when all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along...
hi. my name is amanda and im going to college in 9 days. (hi amanda.) pretty surreal, eh?
i havent packed but im not stressed about that. im having such completely mixed feelings. i realized this morning that the thign that bothers me the absolute most about my immediate future is that i dont have any control over it. i'm going next thursday, whether i like it or not. if i wanted to stay just a few more days, i couldnt. if i wanted to get out of here early and run away, i still couldnt. Manheim Blvd, New Paltz, NY is waiting for me open-endedly, with a crooked, slightly nauseated smile on it's strange new face. the lack of control kills me. it really does, as it does with every college-bound young adult. but it's not just lack of control of living location. it's what seems like a heavy lack of control of communication, surroundings, familiar relationships, and self. everything is going to change. and though i know that the important things now will stay the important things throughout my lifetime, the strangeness creeps me out to a point that i cant really express in actual words. when people ask if im nervous, i just make this twisted face. i dont know what to say when they ask...because...am i? or am i just anxious to have it all start?
or am i just anxious to get it all over with?
i cant sleep comfortably at night anymore. i keep feeling very unsettled, thinking there is another person sleeping in my room with me at all hours. i guess its my subconscious prepping me for a roommate. but gosh darnit. why does my subconscious gotta be so disruptive at the most inconvenient hours?!
ive planned out who im seeing and when the day before i leave. im scared. i dont want anyone i love to leave me. or to forget about me. or to not miss me. i'm just so scared that im the only one who is afraid of losing this. there are sometimes some things you need to know without being obvious about it. does anyone know what i mean? like, i think i'll realize some things about certain aspects of my life, but somehow i doubt that it'll be blatant. and i guess it doesnt matter. because right now, the thing in my life that currently makes me the happiest...is the most unblatant thing i've ever experienced.
it IS the perfect time to go. but at the same time...why do i have to go JUST when i started to get content with EVERYTHING. remember when i used to write somewhat bitter entries and consistency, and solidity? well hey. i'm so happy right now. and if you're one of the people who have made me this way, you know it. and thank you. i love you.
but why now? i feel like im smart enough to get along in the world. and smart enough to know that there is too much to know, and that i'll never surpass that. simply because as humans, we can not ever know all there is to know. i'm pretty much in touch with how i feel about almost everything. and the things i dont know how i feel about...i dont really need to know just yet. so why go to college? to learn about these things? to explore new ideas and career paths? how's about my generation just grows up to be a bunch of lazy hippies who are too stoned to care about success. amen sista. or we can just be communists in their purest form and just all get a piece of the good life. and why the hell not. afterall, we dont need no education anyway.
oh, but quite the contrare. and im actually quite excited to take Adjustment to Psychology, Intro to Acting, Images and Ideas of the Asian Culture, U.S. History Since 1865, and Intro to Philosophy. i got all my first choices. and im going to a place where everyone is smart and theyre going to interest me and i will find it quite thrilling to get the fuck out of this homogeneous shelter i've been living in since i was four. but i must say, this shelter has given me the best education i could have ever asked for in all my 17 almost 18 years of life. afterall, education is the key to learning about yourself.
look how schizophrenic i am. i have so many different personalities right now. but hey, if i werent so darn dumb and ignorant, i would know that schizophrenia has nothing to do with split personalities at all, but instead deals with people living lives of unreal antagonism and false fears.
how ironic. hmph.
so. ask me how i feel about leaving: How do you feel, amanda?
Amanda: nauseus. whoa. get me a cold towel.
goodnight.
i havent packed but im not stressed about that. im having such completely mixed feelings. i realized this morning that the thign that bothers me the absolute most about my immediate future is that i dont have any control over it. i'm going next thursday, whether i like it or not. if i wanted to stay just a few more days, i couldnt. if i wanted to get out of here early and run away, i still couldnt. Manheim Blvd, New Paltz, NY is waiting for me open-endedly, with a crooked, slightly nauseated smile on it's strange new face. the lack of control kills me. it really does, as it does with every college-bound young adult. but it's not just lack of control of living location. it's what seems like a heavy lack of control of communication, surroundings, familiar relationships, and self. everything is going to change. and though i know that the important things now will stay the important things throughout my lifetime, the strangeness creeps me out to a point that i cant really express in actual words. when people ask if im nervous, i just make this twisted face. i dont know what to say when they ask...because...am i? or am i just anxious to have it all start?
or am i just anxious to get it all over with?
i cant sleep comfortably at night anymore. i keep feeling very unsettled, thinking there is another person sleeping in my room with me at all hours. i guess its my subconscious prepping me for a roommate. but gosh darnit. why does my subconscious gotta be so disruptive at the most inconvenient hours?!
ive planned out who im seeing and when the day before i leave. im scared. i dont want anyone i love to leave me. or to forget about me. or to not miss me. i'm just so scared that im the only one who is afraid of losing this. there are sometimes some things you need to know without being obvious about it. does anyone know what i mean? like, i think i'll realize some things about certain aspects of my life, but somehow i doubt that it'll be blatant. and i guess it doesnt matter. because right now, the thing in my life that currently makes me the happiest...is the most unblatant thing i've ever experienced.
it IS the perfect time to go. but at the same time...why do i have to go JUST when i started to get content with EVERYTHING. remember when i used to write somewhat bitter entries and consistency, and solidity? well hey. i'm so happy right now. and if you're one of the people who have made me this way, you know it. and thank you. i love you.
but why now? i feel like im smart enough to get along in the world. and smart enough to know that there is too much to know, and that i'll never surpass that. simply because as humans, we can not ever know all there is to know. i'm pretty much in touch with how i feel about almost everything. and the things i dont know how i feel about...i dont really need to know just yet. so why go to college? to learn about these things? to explore new ideas and career paths? how's about my generation just grows up to be a bunch of lazy hippies who are too stoned to care about success. amen sista. or we can just be communists in their purest form and just all get a piece of the good life. and why the hell not. afterall, we dont need no education anyway.
oh, but quite the contrare. and im actually quite excited to take Adjustment to Psychology, Intro to Acting, Images and Ideas of the Asian Culture, U.S. History Since 1865, and Intro to Philosophy. i got all my first choices. and im going to a place where everyone is smart and theyre going to interest me and i will find it quite thrilling to get the fuck out of this homogeneous shelter i've been living in since i was four. but i must say, this shelter has given me the best education i could have ever asked for in all my 17 almost 18 years of life. afterall, education is the key to learning about yourself.
look how schizophrenic i am. i have so many different personalities right now. but hey, if i werent so darn dumb and ignorant, i would know that schizophrenia has nothing to do with split personalities at all, but instead deals with people living lives of unreal antagonism and false fears.
how ironic. hmph.
so. ask me how i feel about leaving: How do you feel, amanda?
Amanda: nauseus. whoa. get me a cold towel.
goodnight.