Kaddish for Joel (could be triggering)
WARNING - COULD BE VERY TRIGGERING -
but it hasnt been sitting well not to post this.
read at your own risk.
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hey joel. i miss you. i wish i knew you better. it was beautiful to hear people talk about you. i wish you knew about this site. I wonder if that would have made a difference.
I wish they gave you ECTs - they scare the shit out of me and i know you've been angry about them in the past. But I know they worked for you. And at this point you feared that nothing else would. If it is what you wanted to try, you should have had that option.
Out a window - onto 19th? I kept imagining the balcony, but they explained that the balcony below juts further out, so it wouldnt have made sense. Plus the balcony’s not on 19th is it?
I can't imagine it. I wish i knew what you were feeling. And how it felt. Was it a relief? Did you let go? Did you have any regrets?
Could you feel the breeze? See your history? See your future? Feel the landing? You landed on your back. Your face, though slightly bruised, was intact. K said when in the morgue picture that you looked peaceful.
When D gets recognized as executor, he and K are going to sort everything out. He talked of a novel you wrote - longhand - of heartbreak. We all want to read it. I wonder if you left any pictures behind.
I know that you felt the patriarchy of the cousins - and after B’s death, of the family. Notions of patriarchy aside, I want you to know that folks are being really solid. D an dK are on the ball in terms of logistics (remember the Oy Gevalt Grapevine they used to put together?- apparently the rabbi said Oy Gevalt to D_ today.)- I never really understood K’s compassion and empathy before today. And I_, too, of course, though the distance means he can’t take care of things in NY.
Still, I think that, push comes to shove, folks got each others backs. We’ll miss you madly but will make it nonetheless.
I am glad i saw your face one last time. You did seem at peace. Though i suppose i just saw an organic casing that once held you, perhaps it reflects the last moment of your life. Perhaps you are a member of the time travel fund and are now living in a post-revolutionary world. Here's hoping we meet there.
I am glad - so glad that E came. And that she saw you one last time, too. That she said goodbye. It was her first time out since she's been at the nursing home - youngest one there. It was so hard on her. People are kind to her but not compassionate enough. They get impatient. make her needs be instead about their inconvenience. I believe it was often, or at least sometimes, the same with you.
But everyone ws glad she was there. She said you were a good brother.
We met a wonderful woman at the home who’s mother is there. But this person advocates for others and has been really supportive of E. Your sis is in good hands.
Many of us thought you refused to talk to anyone for months. It is a comfort to know that wasn’t true, though many regret not having called. I am speculating that you were resigned to it for the last week or so - after you shut down your answering machine etc. I hope that was a relief and brought peace. I wish you had lived. You looked for help. You tried.
No one should have no alternative other than death.
Never.
I want to thank you for sticking it out as long as you did. I am so happy that i got to know you, if only a little
Folks talked at great length about your love. your compassion. your generousity. your desire to be surrounded by beauty - by art and music. Your joy for cooking. I remember you cooking me borscht and showing me photos you had taken - really amazing photos - of Jazz musicians.
People said that you were too loving, compassionate, creative for this world. They are right. Of course the answer is to change the world. I try. And will carry on. My kaddish to you.
Folks talked a lot about your passion and your joy - description of you at the end of the Jutty maybe on Long Beach or at Croton reveling in the wind and the water. Sounds familiar. I am sorry we never swam in the Atlantic together.
Folks also talked about your love of darkness and of the night. And also about the fire that burned inside of you.
Y takled about how much you meant to his mother. How much joy she got from your visits.
And M delivered a message from her mom, about how welcome you made her feel when she came. that you went out of her way to hang with her and speak spanish, since she couldnt speak english. That you took her out and danced a lot with her.
People spoke, too, of your humour. A 2005 photo caught you looking so joyfull and full of life. It was seeing that - and reading your note - and talking to K_ that made me realize that you shouldn’t have had to die.
Some people are saying that you had to do it; that at least now you are at peace. I hope that is true but, damn it, for whatever reason - for you or for others - you really did try to hang on. You wrote that you could see no other alternative. And the shitty thing is then it is no longer a choice. You were impelled. You acted under duress. That is not a choice. That is coercion. As J said, there was no place for you. No housing. No money. No programs. No work. You were not of this world.
Thank you for hanging on long enough for us to meet. I know its never been easy. You have such strength to have lasted this long and to never have capitulated. To live and love and trust throughout it all. Inspired.
It was hard to explain to people how close we were. I don't know if you ever even thought of me. But i know you are my tribe - in that G Family tapestry that you 10 wove together over the years. I carry so stories of the 10 of you all growing up in NYC. It s better than a Richler or Singer novel. But also, of course, we are tribes-mates in the mad tribe way. I guess you never knew i was a member.
I talked a little about bi-polar stuff and about people i know who are suicidal so often. I was not able to say that i was one of those people. I am sorry. I should have. Perhaps.
My dad spoke highly of you. The only fish he ever caught was with you as was the first sunrise and sunset he ever saw
Some people were angry. Many didn’t understand -not so much family though. The G Family all seemed to get it at least to a point. After all we are all a little fuckin’ crazy. But everyone expressed sadness at the way that and that the system, other people, this life let you down.
C said that he is not sad that you made a decision about your life - that you were in control at the end of the day. He said that he felt guilty for not being there at times when you reached out. But rather than dwelling on guilt, that we should all strive to make sure no one has to go through this again. Brave words. True words. I don't know him well enough to know if he will follow through.
You would have enjoyed the day. As they often are, funerals bring people together. It was the typical logistical mayhem and general G Family fracas - but also loving caring moments. And good food. So much food. I’ve had my fill of salmon and whitefish for a long time to come.
I love you Joel. Always will. You live on in so many of us.
And you are liberated.
Be at peace.