indecision...*what's new*
I can't decide if I want to go visit my family tomorrow. I love them, worry about them constantly, pray for them and everything, regardless of anything I type or feel. But the irrational 'it's not fair' will just never go away. I'll always feel like I'm second rate as the female because I was treated SO incredibly different. It's highly documented, outsiders have noticed, teachers at school used to comment on it, family notices, it's not 100% made up in my head. I've talked about it, typed about it, prayed about it...but the list remains and still bothers me. Every time I've been surprised at my parents support and generosity I realize that there was somebody outside of the family around, so they only did it to give the happy family picture. I keep trying to see my wedding as them finally doing the right supportive thing. But since then it's been back to normal. I think if people knew how different reality land was they'd be little shocked.
People constanly yell at me, stop feeling sorry for yourself. That's not really the problem. The consistancy of my brothers difference just really makes me feel like I *AM* different, that there is some reason that my parents mark me differently, that I am bad and therefore deserve any bad thing that happens and any terrible depression face I have to face next. And then it only gets better because I pray about it and God continues to make me carry the burden. Some people he just lifts things of their chest when they beg but not me. For some reason I have to get 'over it' on my own and I just can't.
I do give myself one credit though, it is CONSTANTLY thrown in my face. At some point every visit, band will be the topic of conversation for atleast a half hour, which is fine but at some point someone will inform me that I "have no clue because I wasn't involved in band." And the parents will just nod in agreement. I notice I don't feel as bad in the spring, band is pretty slow then.
My parents go back and forth on acknowledgement. Once when I was thoughtful on it like this I went to talk to mom about it. I think I was about 22. I told Mom that although I was supportive and happy for them, I realized that I was still jealous deep down and wanted to work on that and be a better sister. I was hoping to get advice from her, she was my Christian go to growing up. She's changed a lot. I will NEVER forget her response.
"Yeah we know you are jealous and it makes you a really nasty person. I hope you do get over it soon."
I was so surprised by the remark, we hadn't had any arguements or problems. I figured it would be a constructive time to talk about it. I had just brought it up out of the blue, opened up my heart to have it stomped on. Besides that I've gotten up early and stay up late to see them and be supportive when SLEEP is good lol. I've got a good 10 pounds of band candy bars around my waist.
Then there are other times when Mom will say in passing "I wish I had you all involved more" in various activities. You'd think those thoughts would be translated into action sometimes when there's something they could do that would make a real difference in my life and someone elses. Or atleast make her more sympathetic to the extreme differences in our lives. I have to remember I was raised by basically an only child and the youngest.
It's not just band that's just the most prominent example and band season visits are the worst. And every time they upset me my list of wrongs against me wants to seep through. My last hope that is by Christmas 2008 things will lighten up as Mike finishes school. Then if this continues on, then I really am just the big jealous, inconsiderate big bitch terrible sister I am! I am proud and I am happy for them. I just think it must be easier to get over things when they are actually IN the past. It's hard not to feel like crap about yourself when you are genuinely treated differently and given different expectations than people you should be equal to. It's hard not to see the root of all evil as yourself when you are so different.
As for visiting tomorrow *sigh* I just don't know. I'm usually pretty upbeat and then I visit, get messed with, and go home sad. It's not fair to Matt, he's wonderful and makes me feel the opposite. I saw them all Friday so atleast I got something in. I mentioned I was open Sunday but as usual I got "I don't know." I'm not driving down at 3pm to leave around 8. We'll see if they call today, I don't know why I'm always calling them.
Gosh it's aggravating. Maybe someday I'll just type my list of injustices. I'm so depressed I dream of pain and dying, not cause I don't love my life and Matt but because there is NO END to this pain. I married it first. I think I'll go back to sleep until Matt gets home. That way I can't mope and he's always so cheery. It'll be a fine day :)
People constanly yell at me, stop feeling sorry for yourself. That's not really the problem. The consistancy of my brothers difference just really makes me feel like I *AM* different, that there is some reason that my parents mark me differently, that I am bad and therefore deserve any bad thing that happens and any terrible depression face I have to face next. And then it only gets better because I pray about it and God continues to make me carry the burden. Some people he just lifts things of their chest when they beg but not me. For some reason I have to get 'over it' on my own and I just can't.
I do give myself one credit though, it is CONSTANTLY thrown in my face. At some point every visit, band will be the topic of conversation for atleast a half hour, which is fine but at some point someone will inform me that I "have no clue because I wasn't involved in band." And the parents will just nod in agreement. I notice I don't feel as bad in the spring, band is pretty slow then.
My parents go back and forth on acknowledgement. Once when I was thoughtful on it like this I went to talk to mom about it. I think I was about 22. I told Mom that although I was supportive and happy for them, I realized that I was still jealous deep down and wanted to work on that and be a better sister. I was hoping to get advice from her, she was my Christian go to growing up. She's changed a lot. I will NEVER forget her response.
"Yeah we know you are jealous and it makes you a really nasty person. I hope you do get over it soon."
I was so surprised by the remark, we hadn't had any arguements or problems. I figured it would be a constructive time to talk about it. I had just brought it up out of the blue, opened up my heart to have it stomped on. Besides that I've gotten up early and stay up late to see them and be supportive when SLEEP is good lol. I've got a good 10 pounds of band candy bars around my waist.
Then there are other times when Mom will say in passing "I wish I had you all involved more" in various activities. You'd think those thoughts would be translated into action sometimes when there's something they could do that would make a real difference in my life and someone elses. Or atleast make her more sympathetic to the extreme differences in our lives. I have to remember I was raised by basically an only child and the youngest.
It's not just band that's just the most prominent example and band season visits are the worst. And every time they upset me my list of wrongs against me wants to seep through. My last hope that is by Christmas 2008 things will lighten up as Mike finishes school. Then if this continues on, then I really am just the big jealous, inconsiderate big bitch terrible sister I am! I am proud and I am happy for them. I just think it must be easier to get over things when they are actually IN the past. It's hard not to feel like crap about yourself when you are genuinely treated differently and given different expectations than people you should be equal to. It's hard not to see the root of all evil as yourself when you are so different.
As for visiting tomorrow *sigh* I just don't know. I'm usually pretty upbeat and then I visit, get messed with, and go home sad. It's not fair to Matt, he's wonderful and makes me feel the opposite. I saw them all Friday so atleast I got something in. I mentioned I was open Sunday but as usual I got "I don't know." I'm not driving down at 3pm to leave around 8. We'll see if they call today, I don't know why I'm always calling them.
Gosh it's aggravating. Maybe someday I'll just type my list of injustices. I'm so depressed I dream of pain and dying, not cause I don't love my life and Matt but because there is NO END to this pain. I married it first. I think I'll go back to sleep until Matt gets home. That way I can't mope and he's always so cheery. It'll be a fine day :)