testing now

Dec 28, 2007 22:56

i'm so relieved. my life is so much more wonderful. but i'm still eating so much. enough for two you may say. and i'll get nice and fat while i'm home. i don't care. yes, i'm home. i'm home and i love it. i'm home and i don't sleep very much. i'm home and i stay up late and i get up early and i see my friends and i hang out with my grandmother and i eat and then i sit in my bed and read about senegal. i'm not going. balaji is. senegal is pretty safe. really, balaji will be fine because he's responsible and knows people who live there and with be living there.  i've been super worried about him recently due to some horrible dreams. dreams are scary! in one he and i weren't together and he was with this girl i don't like. i ran out of my dorm with a broken heart (in my dream). in another he was dead and i never saw him again. emptiness. and then the one in between those two was just freaky and a reflection on the stresses i was having for a while.
but those stresses are gone! and i hope the bad dreams are too. i had a stretch of bad dreams this summer...for a few weeks i would wake up and feel lonely, lost, totally pointless. that feeling would last until the late afternoon. i would get to work in the morning, tired, lonely, and everything would be bad until i left work. then i would go hang out with someone. a someone. and every thing is better. more life. but then sleep and dreams and bad feelings. it was a shitty time. the whole thing. this summer, relationships, haha, it was actually a lot of fun and personal drama is always exciting, even if it unwanted and perhaps even harmful!
i saw amanda for two days in a row. we talked and told stories and went to cvs together and loved each other like old friends do. and tomorrow i'll see mari, who is the oldest friend i can remember. :)
i love email so much. it's fast and there and i can email anyone and they can email me back. and i love looking back on old emails but sometimes i want to but then i'm even too lazy for that. i'm really a lazy person. i tell people this all the time and most of them don't believe me. maybe that means i present myself as a motivated person...anyways. email. i was reading some recent emails and i realized that the conversations i have through those emails make some of my relationships easier because some of the email exchanges replace awkward conversations that are necessary. it's really nonconfrontational. but writing is always hard. even now, i don't know if i'm even saying what i mean to say. so i receive emails that say things like: i didn't mean that but i meant to say this....and then a really long explanation to clarify or change a point that would be obvious if you have a face to face conversation. and writing also leads to much randomness, not that conversations don't. i'm lazy. i don't feel likee finishing this.
i love you
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