(no subject)

[amandajive]

god my head hurts. i had to darkroom monitor tonight. they were busy little bees in the gang darkroom, i had to mix dektol AND fix, so i got to inhale all of that PLUS selenium b/c i was toning.i'm fucking exhausted. photography is a wet, smelly profession, lemme tell ya.i love it though. i can't wait to have my own darkroom. i will be so excited, i will do a little dance entitled the "amanda has her own darkroom and doesn't have to fuck with shepherds anymore" dance.yes. anywho, leighanne and i are journeying to shippensburg tomorrow night to talk to aaron. she's going to break the news to him that she's less than interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him and i'm going to tell him that i can't stand his behavior as of late and he's driving me crazy.not in those harsh of terms, but i'm just going to gently suggest that we take some time off, maybe a trial separation b/c he has hurt my feelings quite a bit in the last week and made me feel like i don't matter and he's using me for my friends. which is not cool and that's not aaron at all. so i don't know what's up, but we're laying it all out for him.spring break was pretty miserable for me, i had no alone, amanda chill time and i didn't even have fun when i was with everyone else. i just felt shitty and i thought i was being paranoid about the whole aaron thing, but many a person, including leighanne has informed me that it's not just me. i haven't felt comfortable in my own skin at all lately, so of course, i'm a little sensitive, but aarons really acting this way.so all i can do is talk to him and tell him what i'm feeling and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. there's nothing else i can do really. b/c honestly, i'm not interested in pursuing a friendship that makes me feel like shit, and right now, he's making me feel like shit. this is pretty much what happened with brandon and i don't want what happened with brandon to happen with me and aaron, but what else can i do? you know? and it's not like i can handle another person in my life turning their back on me. it was absolutely horrible with mike and everything i believed in was shaken and now with aaron, i'm just dreading saying anything b/c i know it's not going to go well and i don't have the strength to stand up and say "alright, i'm ok, i'm strong, this doesn't phase me" and dust myself off. b/c that's another person gone.they're dropping like flies. but i have to go to bed, i'm dying, but i would like to end with having put this in my journal:

Auto response from Photoboi1973: i am a mastermind

(this is my adorable friend richie and i love him and he truly is a mastermind)