Treeplanting Journal- The Legible Version. Volume 2.
May 17
Day 12 + 13
12: I don’t remember much, and this pen is running out did 1200
13: Trees 850
Very unscary, very crappy, had a moment where I felt I wanted to die. The morning had been awesome, and I was totally loving life and everything lots of cream with Moragh but as soon as we ran out of land it sucked because we ended up wasting so much time walking around. In the afternoon it was crazy. I was wading through a fucking forest getting stuck in logs, trees and everything and I was beyond frustrated. I really flat out wanted to cry, just lay down and bawl. I hated everything that was me, Outland and treeplanting and I just couldn’t deal. Just when I was having tears well up in my eyes I just started laughing hysterically. I had a moment of insanity, moment with God, I don’t know what, but He replied with a tree molestation and a prickle to the face. I was so happy when I found out it was the end of the day. The one good thing about this treeplanting business is that you leave your shit on the block (literally and figuratively). I had probably the worst afternoon of my life and still 10 minutes later I was laughing with my crew. I am really thankful that I’ve started to not let thing that get me down drag on.
May 18
Day 14
Today was a crazy day. All day I was just in such a great planting mood. Yesterday near breakdown, Erin’s mentor meeting and the promise of the weekend all rolled into one happy Amanda, which was great, especially for today. As I am writing this it is fucking raining ice, and my fly has ice and snow coming down on it. AWESOME. . . . So right now I’m very bitter and shocked about that. This is a moment when I truly, gut wrenching, hate my life. Whenever I’m in a good mood (like all today) I almost think to myself that I never feel bad, that its never so bad. But right now, in this instance, is a mood where I really just don’t know why I am here and hate myself for wanting to come. This is a moment where I am saying to myself, once I get through this I never have to do it again. Shithole weather aside, I know its bound to get warmer soon and at least my day was good, and tomorrow is a half day.
I planted in all unscarified today and I think I did very well. Even Jay was impressed with how well I figured it out, which was great to hear. I always kept moving, had really short, efficient breaks and always tried to plant just one more bundle. I was going super fast in the morning, despite being molested by trees and abused by prickles. Certainly today, shorts were a bad call. I had my music though, and despite me listening to it at least more than once it totally kept me motivated and wanting to plant more. I find that treeplanting doesn’t lend itself well to socializing. Its always too cold, or too early, or too late or I’m too tired to be with people. Maybe everyone is feeling the same thing, and I actually love talking with and hanging out with my crew, but after work I really just stick to myself or wherever Moragh is. I think I’m like one of those babies that takes a while to warm up to a group of people. Oh, one think that I didn’t mention yesterday was that 4 people left Christy for work, but Kailand, Luke and Mike quit! Total shock to everyone, especially since Kai was a vet. I don’t know why they left, but it was weird to see people leave. I really want to stick this out and have it be one of those accomplishments but every love moment I had comes with the ‘but what if I was home’ thought. Everyone else has to be thinking it too, or they’d certainly be lying. When I think that it keeps me going, to think of the community here of people who have toughed it out day after day, year after year and are in this, all together. People can’t just leave, because it lowers the morale of everyone.
Guh, its so fucking cold out!
As crappy as I feel right now, tomorrow we only work until 1, and then we have 2 days off! I really want to party, but you know, I don’t even care if I get in or not. I just want to be in a warm, real bed, inside and have a real hot shower. I’m going to hope or pray that I get in and can actually party with everyone (especially Tomasz?) but hey I’ll take solo non planting days if I have to. What a sad life I lead when I look forward all week to staying in a motel in Thunder Bay. I think I am insane for being here. Seriously.
May 19
Day 15
Just when I thought the weather couldn’t get worse, I woke up to a ice cube tent, with zippers frozen and 3 inches of snow on the ground. Very irritating, very freezing. I just didn’t want to go out and plant even though it would only be a half day. All through breakfast people were saying, yes we’re going to plant, or no it’s a work hazard use your right to refuse. I felt like a loser if I had to pull that out (which I guess I shouldn’t have because it is my right) and wanted to plant if we were going to just to prove that I can be here. But oh man was I relieved when Cuddy got up and said, no its way too shitty out, we can’t work in this we are going to Thunder Bay early. Wow, I felt so happy to get out of there, the best possible timing for the snow, our days off were a complete rescue. So we got our shit together and left around 8.30, which was great. Car ride was decent was with great people had a bit of a nap, and we rolled into town around 1:30. I’ve never been so happy to see a strip mall! We stayed at the illustrious Prince Arthur hotel overlooking Lake Superior. It’ a funny place, there’s a ceiling mural of angels and sky and cerubs and big oversized furniture, but its actually so cheap and tacky. I was just so thankful to be inside and have a real bed for a bit. I roomed with Sophie, Meredith, Emma and Moragh this time; Sophie kind of invited herself there was even only enough room for 4 but she took up a bed anyway. I don’t know what I feel about Sophie- she’s totally vapid, obsessed with Lach and doesn’t listen unless it revolves around her. She is a nicer Jen really, and it gets on my nerves constantly. I hope it doesn’t keep getting worse, because I don’t want to be that girl to bitch her out. I would do it if I had too, but I hope it don’t have to. . . .
So we checked into the hotel and got settled, went for a quest for booze which was harder than I thought. We got clean and liquored up, and everyone was in our room including guys from other crews. It was really a lot of fun, some pretty good looking guys. It was good, everyone was drunk and clean and having a good time. I was worried I wouldn’t get into the bar, because I had no ID at all, but thank god for Moragh when she was giving her ID I just flat ran in, and hid in the washroom for a while. Classy, no, but it worked. I was so happy to be in I kept buying drinks for everyone. The music wasn’t that good, more like jazz but I danced nonetheless. Elek grabbed me to dance, which was odd, so when it was over I saw one of the guys from the other crew and just started talking to him. I swore he looked exactly like McSteamy! And he had his arm around me and kept flirting with me, saying how our crew is so hot and even said ‘you look like you need a shot’, so I expected him to get me one or something like that at least. No dice though, he kept walking away when I turned around, although I walked by he would grab my hand. (His name was Brandon btw) weird but oh well. The night was a flurry of drinks and I stumbled home with Natalie. I don’t know how it got to this, but as soon as I was in the lobby of the hotel, Will came in (and was totally hammered) and sat down. I went over to take care of him and he was very, well, cuddly. He demanded I sit down with him and put my head on him and we sat there for probably an hour. I thought he was going to kiss me at first, but he ran outside to puke, so that was not on the agenda. After that I figured he had to go to bed, so I took him up to his room. When we got there Ben was passed out on the ground in front of the door. Fucking hilarious. Will wanted to lie down, but I didn’t want to just leave him so I was standing over him. Again he looked at me and demanded I lay down with him. So we spooned on the floor outside of his room for probably a half hour. I was not that drunk and wanted to take advantage of this time (while he was grabbing my boob nonetheless) and was like, flat out, so I know you like Meredith eh, and he responded, yeah but she’s a bitch and that’s over now, so I don’t know what that was about but hey. I think its funny how Will and I always end up drunkenly together, but we don’t really talk as much during the week. If we have another one of these encounters next day off I’m either going to make a move or call him on them, and ask him about it when we’re sober. Also, as it turns out, when I went back to my room, I found it colonized by Matt tripping balls on E, and Lach on top of Sophie so I hightailed it out of there and jumped into bed with Will. (After I has some good, old fashioned drunken facebooking) Nothing happened, and Will seemed to not really remember what happened the next day, so maybe its for the best. Only time will tell.
May 20
Day 16
Today was a run around day, did laundry, went to Value Village and got some hang out drunk time in the hotel. It was a chill, laid back, (kind of boring) night, but it was alright. Moragh, Sophie, Will, Brad, Adrian and I went for a midnight lake walk which was really nice, and we started talking about lots of stuff, which was hilarious. A good, fun chill day overall. The Laundromat was so ridiculously old school I should have got a picture of it. Also, it was sort of weird to watch Adrian, Will, and Ben all bend over backwards for Meredith and Stephane and Brad do the same for Moragh. I’m not jealous, I certainly don’t need more drama in my life, but its just so crazy obvious its hard to avoid.
May 21
Day 17
Today was the last day in Thunder Bay, we just packed up and drove the 5ish hours back to Armstrong. This weekend I had some time to go on the internet and facebook and talk to people which was really really good. I was drunk most of the time I was on the computer, but hey. Getting messages from Christine and Katlynd really lifted my spirit. I really miss them, especially Christine because she’s been my go to all year. I saw Tall Dave on msn too, which was awesome. I had talked to him everyday before I left and its good to see that he hadn’t forgotten about me and he still really wants to talk to me. This is a crazy up and down place and I’m certainly looking forward to going home, mostly just to tell all those guys about my stories. Also I got a hold of my parents but by that time I was about 2 or 3 beers deep so had to really try to sound sober, which apparently just came off as me being upset. Next time hopefully I’ll be able to talk to them sober, so they don’t worry too much, and also so I can remember what they say more. Oh well. I also facebooked Chris which was really great. He is officially accepted to UWI which I’m so happy for. I don’t know, it was great to hear from because I know he really loves and misses me and talking to him really made me miss him too. I really just, more than anything, want us to be able to actually try a real relationship because I wonder sometimes how he can feel so strongly for me even though we don’t have anything outside of an internet thing really. Today with the long ride I gave myself time to really think about Chris, because I find that whenever I start to thinking about him I distract myself to avoid thinking seriously about it. The truth is that he loves me and wants to marry me. Honestly; which is crazy for me to accept at all. I’ve never been loved by someone like he seems to love me so I find it really hard. He wants to marry me?! That I can’t believe even more. Today I was trying to entertain that possibility, ignoring how young we are and how far away we are. Its really flattering and secure to hear that he would wait years for me, but again. I’m a no self esteem recovering ana so I can’t believe that. I feel also that I don’t really know what the best think to say to him is, I think that if I say anything with less commitment than he feels, we will never work. You can’t answer someone who’s says ‘I see a future with you, I see you as my wife’ with a ‘well, I think you’re good looking and your accent is hot’. I really just want to spend time with him to have at least a taste of seeing how it would work. The truth is that both my brain and heart know how much work this would be, so are constantly looking for an easier match. I know I can’t see any crazy commitment with him, because theres no commitment right now. I can’t keep myself from kissing Dave Reed because he’s in Ottawa and close by, even though I know if I told Chris that he would be really upset. The truth is too, tht I can’t see myself ever living in Jamaica, unless I was to take a gap year off or something. Obviously I don’t know what is going to happen in the future though. Best case scenario is I get some money and can fly down to see him either this summer or over our reading week and try a bit of this relationship biz. Its great to hear that he is thinking of and missing and praying for me. I want to love him, I really do, but I can’t say it, and I can’t tell him that I don’t. I guess I have to seriously talk to him about all the sacrifices this would require. I know he’ll say I love you and would do anything , but again I’m cynical and know that everyone has a limit. Sigh.
I miss him so much and Brad makes it so hard. Another best scenario; Chris gets a Visa and comes planting with me-we could make money for school and actually see what it would eb likes to be together for an extended period of time. I cold go on forever. I long for him and hearing from him makes me week.
Day off hookups: Meredith Henry and Scotty
May 22
Day 18 Trees 1525 unscary
First day of the third week holy shit. My thumb is split open and its hard to write, hence the messiness. Today was a really good day actually. It rained all night and in the morning which made for a messy plant but it warmed up and was an awesome day. I don’t know what it was, but I just felt on today. I dragged my ass a bit because there were moments where I really needed water/food but overall good job for me today. I didn’t think about anything in particular which was good. I know I’m self absorbed girl but it was good to have Harper and Tom close by. Whenever they’re at my cache I have a hilarious, happy day. Tom chose to buddy plant with Harper and he saw me at the cache and was like ‘hey theres my favourite person’ so joke or not, it meant something. I was even invited to their table because he was saving a story to tell me but I didn’t get a seat in time. I don’t know what the deal with him and Candace are, they aren’t as together constantly as they used to be, but she sleeps over? Just more drama to keep my brain occupied. Today I highballed the rookies of our crew, which felt awesome and had overall a great sunny day and was pretty happy and socialable. Now my head is pounding and my cold is catching up with me and feel very grumpy so went to go to bed early. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow because my goal is to be more sociable after supper. I though of another verson of the limerick but I’m too tired to remember it. Happy, hilarious, sick, tired, fulfilling, happily short day. I’m hoping that my experience in this shit unscary land will allow me to really pound out the scary land. I really want to break 2000 for sure.
May 23
Day 19 Trees 2000
Woo! Good day overall. Certainly had its low points, like when I was tweaking out hard core for most of the afternoon. And being soaking wet during the thunderstorm was not a great moment either. So today we had a super long drive to the block, actually got to sleep a lot with was very nice. Today was the first day of the last block in this contract and Cuddy even had is in for a morning meeting and said this land was so creamy everyone should put in 2000 so I was excited to hear that. Mmm cream. We got to the block and our whole crew was way back in the block so we (as Jay put it) Mexican’d it the whole way there, everyone in the truck bed. Fucking hilarious.
So then I planted and planted and planted. I started off so fast and great but as the day got hotter I got much more dehydrated and a bit hallucinogenic. I didn’t want to die, which I think is an improvement, I just fantasized about water all day and was very close to the point where I wanted to drink from the puddles. God was on my side, although a little bit late. I was dying of heat and prayed for rain, but the sky opened up in the last hour and started thunderstorming. I guess that was another good thing though because that was the push I needed to bag out and reach my goal and new personal best woo! It was pretty scary/crappy with the rain though. I booked it out of the block and under the tarp as soon as I could. Oh and I most certainly ran in work boots, too big pants, with a sports bra and hard hat up a muddy hill to get to the other cache. What can I say, I’m pretty fucking hardcore. The rain did suck, but it was also good because it as a bonding thing for sure. Under the tarp, Lach, Sophie, Harper and I got to talk it out, which was good. Also, the pissing rain, lightening strikes, 4 planters under a silvi tarp after givin’r all day, moment was the official I’m a Treeplanter moment. Tomasz’s piece was next to mine, but I didn’t see him all day, so the walk and to the van was our time to talk/for him to be hilarious. Fuck, just thinking back to that moment, I really should have had a camera. Tom and I are fucking soaked and caked with mud walking down a gravel road to a green and yellow school bus that is empty and trying to get it up a hill of mud, but is sliding backwards, and there is one van off behind it, just waiting. Oh and another great moment was when we were all in the warm, dry, van behind the bus and we see everyone walking toward the bus, and then 25 planters with all their gear get behind this bus and start pushing it up the hill for half an hour so a truck can hitch it and tow it back to camp. I was so thankful to be in that van, that is for sure. Tomasz sat beside me the whole way, which was obviously a hilarious ride. The back seat and really most of the van had a great talk about so many random things like doctors, parents, grandparents, diets, etc. It was really good that we had that time to just sit and chill all in one spot, despite the crappy weather and how late we got back from the block that time made it all worthwhile. And I even got a seat with the ‘cool kids’ (not really, I’m just always separating people into social groups) with Harper and Tm and some of the W-5 and Steph: hilarious again. I really like hanging out with them, I always laugh my ass off, and don’t want to kill myself which is how I feel with Sophie. And I’m feeling a bit better too, which is good. I know I won’t have as much sleep tonight as I did last night, but whatever. Its finally getting warm too, so I don’t have to wear 5 layers to sleep.
Day 12 + 13
12: I don’t remember much, and this pen is running out did 1200
13: Trees 850
Very unscary, very crappy, had a moment where I felt I wanted to die. The morning had been awesome, and I was totally loving life and everything lots of cream with Moragh but as soon as we ran out of land it sucked because we ended up wasting so much time walking around. In the afternoon it was crazy. I was wading through a fucking forest getting stuck in logs, trees and everything and I was beyond frustrated. I really flat out wanted to cry, just lay down and bawl. I hated everything that was me, Outland and treeplanting and I just couldn’t deal. Just when I was having tears well up in my eyes I just started laughing hysterically. I had a moment of insanity, moment with God, I don’t know what, but He replied with a tree molestation and a prickle to the face. I was so happy when I found out it was the end of the day. The one good thing about this treeplanting business is that you leave your shit on the block (literally and figuratively). I had probably the worst afternoon of my life and still 10 minutes later I was laughing with my crew. I am really thankful that I’ve started to not let thing that get me down drag on.
May 18
Day 14
Today was a crazy day. All day I was just in such a great planting mood. Yesterday near breakdown, Erin’s mentor meeting and the promise of the weekend all rolled into one happy Amanda, which was great, especially for today. As I am writing this it is fucking raining ice, and my fly has ice and snow coming down on it. AWESOME. . . . So right now I’m very bitter and shocked about that. This is a moment when I truly, gut wrenching, hate my life. Whenever I’m in a good mood (like all today) I almost think to myself that I never feel bad, that its never so bad. But right now, in this instance, is a mood where I really just don’t know why I am here and hate myself for wanting to come. This is a moment where I am saying to myself, once I get through this I never have to do it again. Shithole weather aside, I know its bound to get warmer soon and at least my day was good, and tomorrow is a half day.
I planted in all unscarified today and I think I did very well. Even Jay was impressed with how well I figured it out, which was great to hear. I always kept moving, had really short, efficient breaks and always tried to plant just one more bundle. I was going super fast in the morning, despite being molested by trees and abused by prickles. Certainly today, shorts were a bad call. I had my music though, and despite me listening to it at least more than once it totally kept me motivated and wanting to plant more. I find that treeplanting doesn’t lend itself well to socializing. Its always too cold, or too early, or too late or I’m too tired to be with people. Maybe everyone is feeling the same thing, and I actually love talking with and hanging out with my crew, but after work I really just stick to myself or wherever Moragh is. I think I’m like one of those babies that takes a while to warm up to a group of people. Oh, one think that I didn’t mention yesterday was that 4 people left Christy for work, but Kailand, Luke and Mike quit! Total shock to everyone, especially since Kai was a vet. I don’t know why they left, but it was weird to see people leave. I really want to stick this out and have it be one of those accomplishments but every love moment I had comes with the ‘but what if I was home’ thought. Everyone else has to be thinking it too, or they’d certainly be lying. When I think that it keeps me going, to think of the community here of people who have toughed it out day after day, year after year and are in this, all together. People can’t just leave, because it lowers the morale of everyone.
Guh, its so fucking cold out!
As crappy as I feel right now, tomorrow we only work until 1, and then we have 2 days off! I really want to party, but you know, I don’t even care if I get in or not. I just want to be in a warm, real bed, inside and have a real hot shower. I’m going to hope or pray that I get in and can actually party with everyone (especially Tomasz?) but hey I’ll take solo non planting days if I have to. What a sad life I lead when I look forward all week to staying in a motel in Thunder Bay. I think I am insane for being here. Seriously.
May 19
Day 15
Just when I thought the weather couldn’t get worse, I woke up to a ice cube tent, with zippers frozen and 3 inches of snow on the ground. Very irritating, very freezing. I just didn’t want to go out and plant even though it would only be a half day. All through breakfast people were saying, yes we’re going to plant, or no it’s a work hazard use your right to refuse. I felt like a loser if I had to pull that out (which I guess I shouldn’t have because it is my right) and wanted to plant if we were going to just to prove that I can be here. But oh man was I relieved when Cuddy got up and said, no its way too shitty out, we can’t work in this we are going to Thunder Bay early. Wow, I felt so happy to get out of there, the best possible timing for the snow, our days off were a complete rescue. So we got our shit together and left around 8.30, which was great. Car ride was decent was with great people had a bit of a nap, and we rolled into town around 1:30. I’ve never been so happy to see a strip mall! We stayed at the illustrious Prince Arthur hotel overlooking Lake Superior. It’ a funny place, there’s a ceiling mural of angels and sky and cerubs and big oversized furniture, but its actually so cheap and tacky. I was just so thankful to be inside and have a real bed for a bit. I roomed with Sophie, Meredith, Emma and Moragh this time; Sophie kind of invited herself there was even only enough room for 4 but she took up a bed anyway. I don’t know what I feel about Sophie- she’s totally vapid, obsessed with Lach and doesn’t listen unless it revolves around her. She is a nicer Jen really, and it gets on my nerves constantly. I hope it doesn’t keep getting worse, because I don’t want to be that girl to bitch her out. I would do it if I had too, but I hope it don’t have to. . . .
So we checked into the hotel and got settled, went for a quest for booze which was harder than I thought. We got clean and liquored up, and everyone was in our room including guys from other crews. It was really a lot of fun, some pretty good looking guys. It was good, everyone was drunk and clean and having a good time. I was worried I wouldn’t get into the bar, because I had no ID at all, but thank god for Moragh when she was giving her ID I just flat ran in, and hid in the washroom for a while. Classy, no, but it worked. I was so happy to be in I kept buying drinks for everyone. The music wasn’t that good, more like jazz but I danced nonetheless. Elek grabbed me to dance, which was odd, so when it was over I saw one of the guys from the other crew and just started talking to him. I swore he looked exactly like McSteamy! And he had his arm around me and kept flirting with me, saying how our crew is so hot and even said ‘you look like you need a shot’, so I expected him to get me one or something like that at least. No dice though, he kept walking away when I turned around, although I walked by he would grab my hand. (His name was Brandon btw) weird but oh well. The night was a flurry of drinks and I stumbled home with Natalie. I don’t know how it got to this, but as soon as I was in the lobby of the hotel, Will came in (and was totally hammered) and sat down. I went over to take care of him and he was very, well, cuddly. He demanded I sit down with him and put my head on him and we sat there for probably an hour. I thought he was going to kiss me at first, but he ran outside to puke, so that was not on the agenda. After that I figured he had to go to bed, so I took him up to his room. When we got there Ben was passed out on the ground in front of the door. Fucking hilarious. Will wanted to lie down, but I didn’t want to just leave him so I was standing over him. Again he looked at me and demanded I lay down with him. So we spooned on the floor outside of his room for probably a half hour. I was not that drunk and wanted to take advantage of this time (while he was grabbing my boob nonetheless) and was like, flat out, so I know you like Meredith eh, and he responded, yeah but she’s a bitch and that’s over now, so I don’t know what that was about but hey. I think its funny how Will and I always end up drunkenly together, but we don’t really talk as much during the week. If we have another one of these encounters next day off I’m either going to make a move or call him on them, and ask him about it when we’re sober. Also, as it turns out, when I went back to my room, I found it colonized by Matt tripping balls on E, and Lach on top of Sophie so I hightailed it out of there and jumped into bed with Will. (After I has some good, old fashioned drunken facebooking) Nothing happened, and Will seemed to not really remember what happened the next day, so maybe its for the best. Only time will tell.
May 20
Day 16
Today was a run around day, did laundry, went to Value Village and got some hang out drunk time in the hotel. It was a chill, laid back, (kind of boring) night, but it was alright. Moragh, Sophie, Will, Brad, Adrian and I went for a midnight lake walk which was really nice, and we started talking about lots of stuff, which was hilarious. A good, fun chill day overall. The Laundromat was so ridiculously old school I should have got a picture of it. Also, it was sort of weird to watch Adrian, Will, and Ben all bend over backwards for Meredith and Stephane and Brad do the same for Moragh. I’m not jealous, I certainly don’t need more drama in my life, but its just so crazy obvious its hard to avoid.
May 21
Day 17
Today was the last day in Thunder Bay, we just packed up and drove the 5ish hours back to Armstrong. This weekend I had some time to go on the internet and facebook and talk to people which was really really good. I was drunk most of the time I was on the computer, but hey. Getting messages from Christine and Katlynd really lifted my spirit. I really miss them, especially Christine because she’s been my go to all year. I saw Tall Dave on msn too, which was awesome. I had talked to him everyday before I left and its good to see that he hadn’t forgotten about me and he still really wants to talk to me. This is a crazy up and down place and I’m certainly looking forward to going home, mostly just to tell all those guys about my stories. Also I got a hold of my parents but by that time I was about 2 or 3 beers deep so had to really try to sound sober, which apparently just came off as me being upset. Next time hopefully I’ll be able to talk to them sober, so they don’t worry too much, and also so I can remember what they say more. Oh well. I also facebooked Chris which was really great. He is officially accepted to UWI which I’m so happy for. I don’t know, it was great to hear from because I know he really loves and misses me and talking to him really made me miss him too. I really just, more than anything, want us to be able to actually try a real relationship because I wonder sometimes how he can feel so strongly for me even though we don’t have anything outside of an internet thing really. Today with the long ride I gave myself time to really think about Chris, because I find that whenever I start to thinking about him I distract myself to avoid thinking seriously about it. The truth is that he loves me and wants to marry me. Honestly; which is crazy for me to accept at all. I’ve never been loved by someone like he seems to love me so I find it really hard. He wants to marry me?! That I can’t believe even more. Today I was trying to entertain that possibility, ignoring how young we are and how far away we are. Its really flattering and secure to hear that he would wait years for me, but again. I’m a no self esteem recovering ana so I can’t believe that. I feel also that I don’t really know what the best think to say to him is, I think that if I say anything with less commitment than he feels, we will never work. You can’t answer someone who’s says ‘I see a future with you, I see you as my wife’ with a ‘well, I think you’re good looking and your accent is hot’. I really just want to spend time with him to have at least a taste of seeing how it would work. The truth is that both my brain and heart know how much work this would be, so are constantly looking for an easier match. I know I can’t see any crazy commitment with him, because theres no commitment right now. I can’t keep myself from kissing Dave Reed because he’s in Ottawa and close by, even though I know if I told Chris that he would be really upset. The truth is too, tht I can’t see myself ever living in Jamaica, unless I was to take a gap year off or something. Obviously I don’t know what is going to happen in the future though. Best case scenario is I get some money and can fly down to see him either this summer or over our reading week and try a bit of this relationship biz. Its great to hear that he is thinking of and missing and praying for me. I want to love him, I really do, but I can’t say it, and I can’t tell him that I don’t. I guess I have to seriously talk to him about all the sacrifices this would require. I know he’ll say I love you and would do anything , but again I’m cynical and know that everyone has a limit. Sigh.
I miss him so much and Brad makes it so hard. Another best scenario; Chris gets a Visa and comes planting with me-we could make money for school and actually see what it would eb likes to be together for an extended period of time. I cold go on forever. I long for him and hearing from him makes me week.
Day off hookups: Meredith Henry and Scotty
May 22
Day 18 Trees 1525 unscary
First day of the third week holy shit. My thumb is split open and its hard to write, hence the messiness. Today was a really good day actually. It rained all night and in the morning which made for a messy plant but it warmed up and was an awesome day. I don’t know what it was, but I just felt on today. I dragged my ass a bit because there were moments where I really needed water/food but overall good job for me today. I didn’t think about anything in particular which was good. I know I’m self absorbed girl but it was good to have Harper and Tom close by. Whenever they’re at my cache I have a hilarious, happy day. Tom chose to buddy plant with Harper and he saw me at the cache and was like ‘hey theres my favourite person’ so joke or not, it meant something. I was even invited to their table because he was saving a story to tell me but I didn’t get a seat in time. I don’t know what the deal with him and Candace are, they aren’t as together constantly as they used to be, but she sleeps over? Just more drama to keep my brain occupied. Today I highballed the rookies of our crew, which felt awesome and had overall a great sunny day and was pretty happy and socialable. Now my head is pounding and my cold is catching up with me and feel very grumpy so went to go to bed early. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow because my goal is to be more sociable after supper. I though of another verson of the limerick but I’m too tired to remember it. Happy, hilarious, sick, tired, fulfilling, happily short day. I’m hoping that my experience in this shit unscary land will allow me to really pound out the scary land. I really want to break 2000 for sure.
May 23
Day 19 Trees 2000
Woo! Good day overall. Certainly had its low points, like when I was tweaking out hard core for most of the afternoon. And being soaking wet during the thunderstorm was not a great moment either. So today we had a super long drive to the block, actually got to sleep a lot with was very nice. Today was the first day of the last block in this contract and Cuddy even had is in for a morning meeting and said this land was so creamy everyone should put in 2000 so I was excited to hear that. Mmm cream. We got to the block and our whole crew was way back in the block so we (as Jay put it) Mexican’d it the whole way there, everyone in the truck bed. Fucking hilarious.
So then I planted and planted and planted. I started off so fast and great but as the day got hotter I got much more dehydrated and a bit hallucinogenic. I didn’t want to die, which I think is an improvement, I just fantasized about water all day and was very close to the point where I wanted to drink from the puddles. God was on my side, although a little bit late. I was dying of heat and prayed for rain, but the sky opened up in the last hour and started thunderstorming. I guess that was another good thing though because that was the push I needed to bag out and reach my goal and new personal best woo! It was pretty scary/crappy with the rain though. I booked it out of the block and under the tarp as soon as I could. Oh and I most certainly ran in work boots, too big pants, with a sports bra and hard hat up a muddy hill to get to the other cache. What can I say, I’m pretty fucking hardcore. The rain did suck, but it was also good because it as a bonding thing for sure. Under the tarp, Lach, Sophie, Harper and I got to talk it out, which was good. Also, the pissing rain, lightening strikes, 4 planters under a silvi tarp after givin’r all day, moment was the official I’m a Treeplanter moment. Tomasz’s piece was next to mine, but I didn’t see him all day, so the walk and to the van was our time to talk/for him to be hilarious. Fuck, just thinking back to that moment, I really should have had a camera. Tom and I are fucking soaked and caked with mud walking down a gravel road to a green and yellow school bus that is empty and trying to get it up a hill of mud, but is sliding backwards, and there is one van off behind it, just waiting. Oh and another great moment was when we were all in the warm, dry, van behind the bus and we see everyone walking toward the bus, and then 25 planters with all their gear get behind this bus and start pushing it up the hill for half an hour so a truck can hitch it and tow it back to camp. I was so thankful to be in that van, that is for sure. Tomasz sat beside me the whole way, which was obviously a hilarious ride. The back seat and really most of the van had a great talk about so many random things like doctors, parents, grandparents, diets, etc. It was really good that we had that time to just sit and chill all in one spot, despite the crappy weather and how late we got back from the block that time made it all worthwhile. And I even got a seat with the ‘cool kids’ (not really, I’m just always separating people into social groups) with Harper and Tm and some of the W-5 and Steph: hilarious again. I really like hanging out with them, I always laugh my ass off, and don’t want to kill myself which is how I feel with Sophie. And I’m feeling a bit better too, which is good. I know I won’t have as much sleep tonight as I did last night, but whatever. Its finally getting warm too, so I don’t have to wear 5 layers to sleep.