When All Is Said And Done (2/?)
Chapter 2
Sara’s eyes drifted down to their joined hands, trying not to let her chaotic emotions influence her into making a wrong decision. She didn’t want to leave, she really didn’t, but how could she not? Grissom had to understand that he couldn’t keep treating her this way and expect her to accept it. Thoughtlessness was one thing, but blatantly disregarding her was something else entirely. Yes in time she would forgive him because she knew that sometimes he could be totally clueless. But there are just some things that she couldn’t disregard, and she doubted that she would forget about his latest mistake in a hurry.
So where did that leave her? She was still unsure of everything that had happened, and her hormones were all over the place because of the baby. Even if she stayed, the last two days would still have happened. He had still spent the night with another woman, regardless of his lame explanations. Did he just expect her to understand it and carry on as if nothing had happened? Her free hand slid over her abdomen as she thought about the decisions she would need to make, but she was still so confused.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked him quietly, her voice catching as she spoke. “I can’t just forget about this, Gil.”
Grissom had been watching her for the last few moments. He could see the unrest in her eyes and the way she held her hand protectively over their child. Right in that moment when his gaze lingered over her flat stomach, he realised that there was nothing in this world he wanted to share more with her, than what laid beneath the palm of her hand.
“I know,” he nodded. “I don’t expect you to, but I would like a chance to explain myself.”
“You’re always trying to explain yourself,” she sighed. “It just gets us nowhere in the end. You know that.”
“Honey, please just listen to me okay…that’s all I’m asking…just let me-“
“And what if I still decide to leave when you’re done explaining?” she asked quickly, her stomach rolling as she fixed him with a steady gaze. “Will you try and stop me?”
“I…”
“Would you fight for me, Gil?” Her voice was level as she spoke, and it scared him more than he could ever admit. She was always so effervescent and her smile was one to match a thousand stars, but the look in her eyes was far from the vibrant woman he’d come to love so much.
“I would fight with everything I have for you, Sara.” Clasping her hands tighter, he thought he heard a soft whimper slip from her lips, but when he lifted his eyes to hers, all he could see was doubt. “I love you.”
There was that sound again, he mused, a soft whimper that seemed to come from her lips even though she hadn’t moved. He couldn’t help but look into her beautiful eyes, noting how they were still clouded with uncertainty. He needed to prove to her that she was and always had been the only woman he could ever feel this close to.
“I really wish it was that simple, Gil,” she told him quietly. “But there are some things that can’t be erased with words.”
Grissom watched her as she struggled to keep herself from shaking, and not for the first time since this whole nightmare began, he cursed himself for making yet another wrong decision. He needed her so much that sometimes he didn’t know how he had ever survived his fifty years without her. How could one person weave themselves inside another’s heart so tightly? She was everything, had always been everything…so why had he managed to screw things up so badly?
“Honey…” he started, his fingers stroking hers as he spoke. “Nothing happened with Heather-“
“I know you didn’t sleep with her if that’s what you’re thinking,” she told him quickly before he could finish. “But this isn’t only about her.”
“If this isn’t about her then tell me what it is about,” he stepped a little closer to wind his fingers around hers. “Sara, talk to me.”
She saw him gulp when she pulled her hands from his, eyeing him guardedly before turning away. “What do you want to talk about, exactly?”
“Honey-“
Whipping around to face him again, she surveyed him watching her, his expression one of sheer apprehension. Suddenly she felt her hurt transform into irritation when her mouth spurred on ahead of her brain. “Shall we talk about how you seem to think you can do anything you want, and knowing that you can get away with it because I love you too damn much?”
Grissom opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again when she took a step towards him. “Shall we talk about how you seem to forget about me every time it suits you?”
“Sara, I’ve never forgotten about you-“
“No?” she asked, her voice rising. “So what was all this crap with Heather? Did you even think about me at all?”
Grissom was stunned, how had their conversation slipped back to Heather so quickly? Didn’t she know by now that all he wanted to do was talk about their future, their child and how to fix this whole mess? But, he also knew that to begin repairing the damage he’d caused, he had to address the issue of Heather and the fact that yes sometimes he did tend to get a little involved in other things. It certainly didn’t mean he could ever forget whom he shared his life with. At least he thought it didn’t.
“Yes, I thought about you.”
“Okay,” she nodded. “When?”
“When, what?” he asked, slightly confused.
“Was it before or after you decided to stay the night?”
“Sara-“
“Was it before or after you raced to her side at the hospital, because you looked damn near guilty when you saw me there…” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for him to answer, feeling powerful and afraid all in one moment. “Well? Aren’t you going to come out with one of your quotes or long speeches? Because you must know they aren’t going to work this time.”
Grissom was fast becoming frustrated. Yes he had acted without thinking, but he’d been driven to help his friend. He just hadn’t thought at the time that his rushing to Heather’s side would cause so much damage in his relationship with Sara. He wished he could take it back, but he couldn’t. He knew he needed to fix this whole mess but he couldn’t seem to find the right words, and his silence only seemed to be angering Sara further.
“You can’t answer me can you?”
“SARA,” he snapped, but immediately regretting his sharp retort. Drawing in another breath, he reached out to her but she stepped out of his grasp.
She turned away from him then and held out her hand for the boxer who came over to sit at her feet. Swallowing hard, Sara sank down onto her knees beside their dog and stroked his soft fur, grateful for the distraction. He nuzzled her hand and she felt the anger slowly draining away to leave nothing but hopelessness.
“You should have called,” she spoke so softly that he almost didn’t hear her at first. “You shouldn’t have let me find out through someone else.”
Grissom closed his eyes against the visions swirling around inside his head. All he could think of was how much he had hurt her and how she had suffered alone and in silence while he was out playing the knight in shining armour. Opening his eyes again, he could see the anguish in her gaze and slowly moved closer towards her and Bruno.
“I know, honey, and I am truly sorry. I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt-“
“I felt sick,” she told him quickly, looking up to meet his eyes. “I’ve always had this fear when it comes to you, and I can’t help feeling like I’m always living in Heather’s shadow.”
“What? Why?” Coming closer, Grissom knelt down on the floor beside her. “Sara?”
“I only started thinking about dating Hank because of her,” she whispered sadly. “Everyone was telling me how beautiful she was, and how good you two were for each other…”
“Sara, there was never anything serious between Heather and I.”
“But you still chose someone other than me though, didn’t you?” Memories washed over her mind when she remembered how desolate she felt when she’d heard through the rumour mill that he’d found himself a girlfriend. “All I knew was that you didn’t have a problem with loving someone, as long as it wasn’t me…and I just…I couldn’t focus on anything…”
“I’m so sorry, Sara,” he whispered when he heard her voice trailing away. “It’s not something I intended to happen, it just did.”
“You know what the final push was with Hank?” she asked softly when his fingers reached out to close around hers.
He shook his head quickly. He didn’t want to remember how betrayed he’d felt when he had learned that she was seeing the paramedic. Even though she denied it at the time, he’d still set out to punish her for moving on without him, and her penalty had been one that lasted for far too long. He’d watched on silently as her kilowatt smile faded into oblivion, and the sparkle in her eyes had all but disappeared. She lost the bounce in her step and her spark that electrified a whole room.
In just over a year he’d watched her slowly disappear until the day he drove her home after she was almost arrested for DUI. It was then that he realised how much he’d missed her. Shifting a little closer to her he listened as she mentioned the paramedic again and swallowed down the jealousy that raged in his heart whenever he heard that name.
“It was either Hank or no one…and I was done with being alone…”
Guilt welled up inside him again, not just for the Heather incident, but also for his past mistakes too. How many chances did he honestly think he had left until the day would come when she wouldn’t forgive him one more time, then eventually leave him?
“You don’t have to explain to me, Sara. I know all about loneliness, it’s all I had before I met you.” Squeezing her fingers, he urged her to look up into his eyes. “I don’t love Heather.”
“Maybe not, but you yourself said you cared about her,” she told him, hating the depression that crept over her body. “ But at least now I know why you didn’t choose me to begin with...”
“Sara-“
“All I am is this,” she told him, cutting him off before he could finish. Looking down at her body, she waved a hand over it with distaste. “Brains and beauty don’t exactly go together, well not in my case anyway.”
Grissom’s mind was in overdrive. How could she think she was unattractive? She was the most beautiful woman in the world. “Sara, I don’t know what mirror you’ve been looking into sweetheart, but when I look at you, I see someone incredibly beautiful.”
“But I’m not her,” she whispered despondently. “How do I know that you’re only with me until she makes up her mind?”
“Because it’s you that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because there is no woman who could ever come a close second to you.” He saw her stiffen when he reached out to touch her and relieved when she didn’t pull away. “Because you are carrying my child, and I’ve never loved anyone enough to want to have a family with them.”
“Well,” she sighed as she ran a hand over her stomach, “this one wasn’t exactly planned.”
“Maybe he wasn’t, but my aunt Anna always used to say that if you worked with plans to have a baby, then you’d never have one because the time would never be quite right…this way, he’s unexpected, but we’ll love him all the same.”
Sara felt her mood lift slightly as she smiled up at him. “He?”
“Or she,” he nodded, reaching out to lay his hand over hers on her stomach.
“Aren’t you scared of all this?” she asked softly as her eyes drifted down to their joined hands before travelling back up to his meet his gaze. “Because, you’ve gotta know, having a baby scares the crap out of me.”
“Yeah, I’ve got my reservations about it, but the thought of becoming a father is growing on me.”
She knew she should be overjoyed with his new revelations, and to some extent she was. Only a short time ago he had looked at her like something from outer space when she’d reluctantly told him her news, and now here he was practically gushing. She didn’t know whether to embrace him or run away screaming.
“Yeah?” she asked finally although frustration was still simmering beneath her soft smiles. Her whole body ached and her mind was telling her to do one thing while her heart was telling her to do another. She wanted to be able to leave to prove to herself that she wasn’t some pushover that he could treat badly whenever he felt like it. But on the other hand, she wanted him to hold her and force the memory of the last few days out of her mind.
The way he was looking at her caused the guilt she was feeling to rise up inside her again. He was trying so hard to prove to her that he was serious about this, and that he wouldn’t hurt her again, but there was always that pang of irritation that reminded her of why she had her bags packed and was ready to leave. She didn’t want to hurt him, even though on some level she knew he deserved it. Being clueless didn’t give him a free pass to do as he pleased, and she had far too much to prove to herself and even more so to him. No, if there was any point in her life where she had to make a stand, it was now.
Lifting her free hand to his face, she let her fingertips linger over his lips before tracing over his stubbled chin. She caught his loving gaze with a tender one of her own; leaving him was going to be hard. “You should get some sleep,” she told him softly as she slowly pulled her fingers away from his face. “You look tired.”
Reaching forward he caught her hand and brought it to his lips to plant a soft kiss in her palm. “Are we going to be okay?”
Closing her eyes she felt his warm lips lingering over her skin and she suddenly felt a new wave of awareness wash over her. Up until now their whole relationship had existed on Grissom’s terms, and now some of that power had shifted back to her. Opening her eyes she offered him a small smile, “In time, yeah I think so.”
“Please don’t leave,” his voice broke, causing her to lift her eyes to his. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Gil,” she sighed sadly. How could she explain to him that his behaviour had helped to dredge up some raw memories from her childhood? There was still so much he didn’t know, and maybe when the time was right she would tell him some of her darkest fears, but for now she had to deal with the memories that his latest misjudgement had evoked. Looking up, she squeezed his hand on her stomach knowing whatever she said to him from this point on would be tough on both of them, but he deserved to know.
“My father was always sorry after the beatings,” she started, her voice soft and hesitant. “He was always going to change and never hit any of us again, and after the first few times I knew they were just empty promises…”
Grissom nodded slowly as he threaded his fingers through hers, silently waiting for her to continue, even though he feared what she was going to say.
“One day, after he’d beat on us, my mom packed our bags and we managed to reach the door…I had black eyes and my arm was in a sling. Mom was beaten black and blue, and we made it all the way out to the front yard before he grabbed her arm and promised that this would be the very last time…” Tears filled her eyes when she looked into his, and she saw him swallow the lump in his throat.
“Oh Sara…” he whispered sadly as he squeezed her hands tighter. He didn’t want to even think of how much torment she must have endured as a child. All he wanted to do right now was hold her tightly and erase all the pain from her mind, but the sadness in her eyes told him that there was so much more to her heart wrenching past than he knew. Nodding silently he urged her to continue, even though he couldn’t bear to hear of her pain.
“He told her he loved her and he didn’t want her to leave. He promised if we stayed then things would be different, that he would get help to deal with his anger…”
When her voice trailed away, Grissom shifted a little closer to her, urging Bruno out from between them. He could feel her body trembling when he slid an arm around her shoulders to pull her into his chest. “And she stayed?”
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I was ten years old and I wanted to leave but I had nowhere to go…I didn’t trust him…I knew he wouldn’t change because I’d seen the rage in his eyes way before I saw his fist coming at me…” Closing her eyes briefly, she opened them again to see him watching her worriedly. “He’d already driven Joe away by that time…but that didn’t seem to bother her at all…all she could think about was how much she loved him.”
“Sara, you must know I would never hurt you like that, never.”
“I know,” she whispered as she pulled away slightly so she could look up into his eyes. “But if I don’t leave, then I’m no better than my mother…and I will not, ever, be like her.”
Grissom’s eyes filled with tears when he reached up a hand to her face to gently trail his fingers over her cheek. “You don’t have to leave to show that you’re not like her, Sara.”
Sara closed her eyes when the memories of her past almost overwhelmed her, she didn’t want to leave him, ever, but she knew she had to, not only to prove to him that she wouldn’t take his behaviour anymore, but because she needed to demonstrate to herself that she was strong enough to live without him.
Lifting her hand up to his on her cheek, she covered his with her own before opening her eyes. “Yes, I do.”
Grissom was desperate. They were getting nowhere and whatever he said to her he knew it wouldn’t be enough to restore the trust he had broken. He opened his mouth to speak but she spoke before he could say anything.
“I’m not leaving you forever,” she told him gently. “I just need some time on my own to think, that’s all…I need to know that our baby is going to have two parents who are together for the right reasons…I want to know that when I walk out of here that you’ll miss me…and that you’ll remember why I’m not here.”
Tugging on her hands, he stood up and pulled her to her feet. “How can I let you walk out that door and not try to stop you?”
“If you love me you’ll let me do this,” she told him, her voice soft and pleading. “You did something that I can’t just simply forget about, and if anything, me not being here should make you see that.”
“I should have called you,” he groaned in frustration. “Let’s just agree that I was wrong and move past this…please?”
Sara sighed heavily as she stepped closer towards him and leaned in closer to press her lips onto his, kissing him slowly before pulling away from him to stroke a finger down his cheek. “I love you.”
“Please…Sara…” But he couldn’t get the words out when he saw her move away from him.
Bending down, Sara picked up the bag by the door and slipped it over her shoulder before patting Bruno on the head softly. “You be good for your dad, okay baby?” she told him tearfully. “I’ll see you soon.”
Turning back to Grissom again, her breath caught on a sob as tears slipped from her eyes. “I’ll miss you.”
“Don’t go,” he stepped forward, needing to hold her but she moved away. The tears that had been welling in his eyes suddenly broke free to trail wet tracks down his face as he watched her pick up the suitcase and open the door. “Sara-“
She turned to face him, “I have to go.” she was crying hard, but she shook her head when he took a step closer. “No…please…this is hard enough as it is…”
“Then don’t leave…” his voice rasped desperately, and he didn’t care anymore who saw him like this. Trying again, he managed to keep his voice from shaking. “If it feels wrong then don’t do it…please, don’t do it…”
“I have to,” she whispered as tears cascaded over her cheeks when she stopped outside on the step. Part of her wanted to abandon this whole notion and throw herself back into his arms, but she knew if she did, then everything she had deigned to achieve would have been meaningless.
“But…you’re off tonight,” he told her desperately. “When will I see you?”
“After shift,” she told him softly as she sniffed back another onslaught of tears. “We can talk some more if you want.”
“Yes,” he breathed, moving towards her even though she was half way towards her car. “Sara, I’m so sorry…honey, please believe me-“
She turned to look at him, the sorrow in her eyes causing him to catch his breath. He didn’t know what else to do except tell her again how much he needed her in his life.
“I love you,” he managed before his voice broke completely.
She offered him a small smile and nodded her head before turning away again, never once looking back until she was safely in her car. She glanced over to him and Bruno as they hovered in the open doorway side by side, both looking lost and alone, and it took every ounce of strength she had to not jump out of that car and back into his arms. She had done the one thing that her mother couldn’t, so why did it feel so wrong? Tearing her eyes away from his, she started the car and drove away, leaving nothing but heartache behind her.
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Grissom lay in their empty bed and stared up at the ceiling. Sara had only been gone for a few hours but already he could feel the weight of her absence. His mind kept returning back over the last two days, creating a wave of disdain that sent shards of regret to vibrate throughout his body. He’d made a huge mistake, one that would cost him dearly this time.
At first he had been angry, blaming her for overreacting and thrown himself into cleaning the townhouse as he tried to force her out of his mind, but then he would come across some items of clothing that belonged to her and everything would flare up inside him again. He already missed her so much, more than he had when he was away on sabbatical. He hadn’t realised how his time away had caused some cracks in their relationship, either. He’d always taken for granted that she loved him enough to always be there when he needed her. It wasn’t until she had enforced him with this temporary separation that he finally understood how deeply he had hurt her.
At first all he could focus on was his own pain and how she was the one to cause it. No other woman could tie him in knots like she did. Ever since the first time when he met her, she had scared him. She had the capacity to stop his heart in mid beat and cause him to babble incoherently. She had always been the only woman capable of bringing him to his knees.
He couldn’t seem to remember what his life was like before her, and that scared him too. She had quickly gone from the woman he’d always dreamed of to the woman he now shared dreams with. She was interlaced within him on so many levels that he often fought to remember how he had survived for so long without her.
Sighing heavily, he turned onto his side and stretched his arm out to the empty side of the bed. He wanted to feel her there beside him again. How many times had he woken in the night to find her shaking and in tears because she’d had a nightmare about her father? It wasn’t until he was here alone that he started to wonder how many times she had awoken in the night while he was away? Did she have one while he was at Heather’s? The thought of her going through her night terrors alone kept him from seeking the solace he craved. Sleep refused to envelope him, and he knew it was his guilt that kept him awake.
More than anything in the world right now he wanted to touch her and wrap his arms around her body and remind himself that he was the stupidest, luckiest man alive. If only he’d realized just how lucky he was, then maybe he wouldn’t have gotten himself into this mess with Heather, and Sara would still be here.
Closing his eyes again, Grissom’s mind wandered to the baby that Sara was carrying. He could see Sara’s face in his mind when she’d told him her news, and even though he knew he’d reacted somewhat disbelievingly, he wanted this child so badly. He selfishly wanted it all, and right now his career didn’t seem all that important any more. Was it even possible to fall in love with something that wasn’t even here?
Would he even be a good father? Would their son or daughter come to him when they fell and grazed their knee? He had never had any kind of bond with his father, nothing that he could remember anyway. But he wanted to be the right kind of father who would love and protect his child from everything in the world that could hurt them. He couldn’t even remember his dad, or even if he had been loved by him. That was something that his child would know, that he or she was loved more than anything in the world.
Sighing heavily he looked over at the red LCD numbers on the clock and closed his eyes. This bed was all wrong and plumping up the pillows behind him did nothing to ease his discomfort. Laying back down he closed his eyes again, but he knew it wasn’t the bed, or the pillows or his furry bed companion that were the problem. He was missing Sara and the way she wrapped her body around his when they slept.
He missed her warm breath in the back of his neck and the way she always managed to take up the whole bed and leave him almost clinging onto the edge of the mattress. He didn’t care that she was a complete bed hog, or that she moved around so much in her sleep. He didn’t even care that she had freezing cold feet and always used him as her hot water bottle. She always insisted that he had body heat to spare and even though she found his shifting around the bed to avoid her cold toes, often hysterical, he’d give anything right now to let her warm her feet on his legs.
“Aww, come on baby, my feet are cold,” she whined when she slowly edged her toes over towards him in the bed.
“Well, then put some socks on,” he chuckled as he darted his body away from her.
“I was wearing socks, but my feet are still cold…” she moved her legs quickly over to his and buried her toes between his leg and the mattress.
“Jeeze,” he groaned when she started giggling hysterically as she brought her other foot over to do the same. “Damn, honey. Don’t you have any blood in you or something?”
“Aww, quit complaining,” she beamed. “They’ll be warm in a few minutes.”
“Yeah and I’ll be cold!”
“Poor baby,” she told him with a smile as she snuggled the rest of her body closer to his and offered him a seductive smile. “I’ll warm you up with the rest of me.”
“The rest of you huh?” he grinned, “Just make sure it’s not your feet.”
“No feet,” she chuckled. “Got it.”
Grissom smiled at the memory when he turned onto his side and opened his eyes again. His eyes were suddenly drawn to his cell phone as he willed it to ring. He wanted desperately to call her, just to hear her voice. Had she missed him as much as this when he left for Massachusetts, he wondered. He could barely function without her after only a few hours, so how had she coped with a whole month? He had so many things he needed to make up to her, from his years of avoidance, from his month long sabbatical and right through to the whole Heather fiasco.
“You’re an ass,” he muttered to himself. “It’s your own stupid fault she left you.”
Bruno lifted his head and whined before leaping off of the bed to go and sit by the open door. His soft grunts caused Grissom to sit up again and watch the dog with sympathy.
“I know boy, I miss her too.” Patting the bed he urged Bruno to come and lay down but he wouldn’t move. “We’ll go see your mom tomorrow, okay. Now I need to sleep, so either come and lay down or quit staring at me.”
Bruno cocked his head to the side and flopped down onto the floor. Nodding, Grissom lay back down and tried desperately to get some sleep before the alarm would go off for work. This was going to be probably the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, but he would do anything she asked of him, even if it meant them living apart for a while. If their separation was the only way he could convince her that she was everything to him, then he would do it, because everything was about her from now on.
As he closed his eyes, Grissom’s mind drifted into thoughts of how he could make things right again between them, and the one thing that kept coming back to him was that he would take her out to dinner, to a proper restaurant with real people. His days of hiding her were over. It was time that he allowed the rest of the world to see what he’d been keeping to himself for far too long. He was in love with Sara Sidle.
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Sara was dozing on her small sofa when she woke up with a start and looked around her. The first signs of panic slowly ebbed away when she realised where she was. Memories came flooding back in one huge wave and she closed her eyes to keep herself from crying again. That was all she had done since she returned to her tiny apartment earlier, and she was getting sick of feeling like this. This wasn’t her; this was some other pathetic excuse for a woman. Her strength had always been her greatest ally, but it had fled along with everything else in her life lately.
She couldn’t seem to erase the lost figures of Grissom and Bruno out of her mind, and so many times she’d almost turned her car around and headed straight back to them. Yes she knew she was probably being overly stubborn, but she couldn’t seem to let this go. He had been in the wrong; she knew that, she kept telling herself that. He had to learn that people in normal, happy relationships didn’t spend a night alone with an ex lover and think it was okay. She was doing this for herself and to prove to him that she wouldn’t bear the brunt of his clueless-ness any longer, so why did she feel so awful?
Opening her eyes, she looked around her almost empty apartment and sighed heavily. This room held so many memories within it’s tiny walls; secrets that no one else knew apart from her and her entomologist.
A soft smile crept over her lips when she remembered how he had turned up at her door, twisting his hands nervously as he waited for her to invite him in. He’d been utterly adorable and incredibly sweet, and she’d fallen in love with him even more.
“I…um…can I come in?”
She hadn’t realised until he spoke that she had been staring. He’d only ever been to her apartment three times before. The first was after her almost arrest, the second after her suspension and the third was after she’d been attacked in the mental hospital. All three times he’d held her hand and offered her what little comfort he could offer, but it had been enough for her at the time.
“Yeah,” she stepped back to let him pass. “Sorry.”
When he stepped inside he just seemed to stand in the same spot looking around the room. “I…um…I couldn’t sleep…so I decided to go for a drive…and…”
She offered him a tentative smile. “So you decided to come here?”
Grissom’s eyes found hers almost instantly and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “I should have called first-“
“Why?” she asked him with another smile. “You’re always welcome here Grissom, you’ll never need an invitation.”
“I…” his eyes closed briefly before he opened them again to look at her. “Thank you, Sara.”
She grinned at him again before she turned to head towards the small kitchen area. “Go and sit down, Grissom. You want coffee?”
She didn’t bother to wait for a reply, because knowing Grissom he’d either spend the entire time he was here just listening to her babble or he’d turn tail and run away. She was almost afraid to turn around for fear that he would have already fled out of the door before she had a chance to switch the kettle on. But when she did finally chance a glimpse to where he was standing last, she was totally thrown off balance when she realised he was directly behind her.
“Jeeze,” she gasped. “Grissom, you scared me!”
“Sorry,” he smirked, all traces of his previous awkwardness gone as he pushed past her to grab two mugs from the cupboard. “I was thinking that maybe you might like to have dinner with me before shift…I could cook something if you want…or we could find some place to eat…your choice.”
Sara shook her head in bewilderment, had he just asked her out on a date? She was so sure she was dreaming. Gil Grissom only ever came into her home and did this kind of domestic thing in her dreams, but when she opened her eyes again and blinked a few times she heard his soft chuckle.
“What are you doing?”
“I…” she licked her lips and realised he was still smiling. “What am I doing?” she asked indignantly as she placed her hands on her hips to stare at him guardedly. “You have never come to my apartment and asked me to do what you just asked me to do, so forgive me if I’m just a little confused.”
Grissom sighed heavily as he turned to face her. “I know…and you have every right to throw me out after what I’ve done to you, but when I saw Nick in that glass coffin all I could think of was…” his voice trailed off and he looked down at his feet again.
“You didn’t know how you would cope if it was me in that box?” she asked gently as she stepped towards him.
Grissom lifted his head and found her watching him, her eyes so full of emotion that he almost lost his breath. “Yes,” he told her on a whisper. “I don’t know how I would cope if I lost you…Sara…”
“I know. I feel the same way…” Sara felt his fingers touch her arm and she instantly found herself mesmerised in his gaze. He was so close and she needed to feel him so badly, but she was still afraid she would wake up at any moment. She snapped her eyes closed again, squeezing them tight to stop any of the moisture building behind them to break free. “Grissom-“
“Shh,” he whispered, so close that she could feel his warm breath on her face. “Honey, open your eyes.”
She shook her head quickly, much as she had done when she was a child. “You’re not really here…if I open my eyes then this has to end…and…I-“
Her voice was cut off mid sentence when a strong pair of arms pulled her into a tight embrace, forcing the breath out of her body. Opening her eyes she tried to focus but the feel of him around her was intoxicating and she didn’t want him to ever let go.
“Please tell me I’m not too late,” he whispered against her ear. “I’ve already wasted too much time.”
His words caused Sara’s flaccid arms to slowly move. Her hands slid up his back until she was pulling his body closer to hers. “You could never be too late,” she sniffed as she held him.
Her words coursed through him spurring him to slowly pull away so that he could gaze down into her beautiful eyes. “Sara…”
“No,” she whispered as she focussed on his lips. “Don’t say anything…please…”
Grissom closed his eyes briefly when her breath fanned his face. So many times he had dreamt of this, of holding her, kissing her, making love to her. Opening his eyes again he slowly dipped his head, meeting her half way as their lips touched gently, lingering together for a few seconds before they pulled away to gaze into each others eyes. Neither of them had been prepared for the overwhelming desire that shot through them both the second their lips touched. Sara could feel the slight tremble in her knees as she smiled up at him reassuringly, before moving to claim his lips again in at kiss that left them both gasping for more.
“Sara…” he whispered breathlessly when he tore his lips from hers. Her kisses were addictive, and he had to hold his forehead against hers just to stop himself from tumbling headlong into her. He couldn’t stop whispering her name, over and over until his words were replaced with a trail of soft kisses that he adorned over her face. He loved the taste of her as he continued to kiss his way along the column of her throat, and then back up again until he came to hover over her lips again. “My Sara…”
“I’m yours,” she told him softly, her voice breaking when she saw his eyes welling with tears. She had never felt so utterly adored before in her life. “Gil…”
Hearing his name on her lips sent shock waves throughout his body and he suddenly pulled her against him, connecting their lips in a scorching kiss that sealed them both in an unspoken act of devotion. Sara’s hands found their way into his hair, her fingers threading through his greying curls. She was lost in him, and when his tongue ran along her lower lip begging for entry, everything around them melted away. One kiss led into another until they broke away, panting heavily, both of them shocked and elated by what had just happened.
“I…wow…” she managed breathlessly. His eyes seemed to be devouring her and she could feel the rosy blush heating her cheeks. “I-“
His lips were on hers again before she could speak, kissing her with one long kiss that left her body melting into his body. When he slowly pulled away he smiled down into her desire filled eyes. “You’re right,” he whispered against her lips, “ you do talk too much.”
At first she pulled back and just stared at him, stunned, until she saw the laughter in his eyes. She had never seen this side of him before and she couldn’t resist lunging at him to wrap her arms around his neck. “Well you’d best find a way to keep me from talking,” she beamed, delighted when his arms came around to hold her tightly against his body.
“I think I know just how to do that,” he told her in a husky whisper when their lips mashed together again.
Sara smiled with the memory. They had come a long way since then, moving at a more slower pace into intimacy than Sara would have liked,but when they eventually reached that point in their relationship, neither had quite expected to feel so connected to the other. It was unexpected and totally enthralling to be so attached to another human being. Sara had never felt this way about anyone before in her life.
Glancing over at the clock she sighed heavily when she thought of how he must be coping and if he was handling this any better than she was. In two hours, shift ended and he would soon be here. Despite all of her strength, she still found herself needing him despite of what he’d done. Reaching out suddenly, she grabbed her cell phone and hurriedly flipped it open, her finger hovering over the call button. She looked down at the small screen hesitantly, biting her lower lip as she forced herself to close the phone again and replace it onto the sofa beside her.
Closing her eyes she slid a hand over her stomach trying desperately to be strong. She didn’t want to be here in this cold and empty apartment, and for some reason she’d been trying to convince herself all night that this was the right thing to do for the sake of her own sanity. She was determined that she wasn’t going to be a victim like her mother was, but as soon as she stepped into her own apartment she realised she had never understood her mother better than she did right now.
Standing up abruptly, she shook her head in denial; since when had she been anything like her mother? She hadn’t wanted to put them both through all of this madness. All she’d wanted to do for the last few hours was to run back to him. The only thing that stopped her was knowing that everything she’d set out to do would have been totally meaningless if she couldn’t even last a full day.
A wave of dizziness washed over her then and she slowly sat back down onto the couch. She could feel her stomach rolling before she could even think about making her way to the bathroom. She hadn’t been able to keep anything down and she wasn’t sure if her nausea was through lack of food or morning sickness. She hated being ill, and she hated being alone even more. Taking a deep breath she tried to blink the moisture away from her eyes even though she was utterly miserable.
She looked around at the four walls surrounding her and suddenly felt totally isolated. She was tired, her ribs hurt from heaving and she didn’t want to be alone in this anymore. Her body was already starting to change and every tiny pain or ache she had, scared her to death. Looking down over her still flat stomach she slipped a hand across her abdomen. It still didn’t feel real, any of it. Not the baby, not Grissom’s mistakes or the fact that she had managed to transform herself back into the recluse that she had once been. She didn’t want to return to being that sad person again.
Picking up the cell phone, she swallowed heavily as she pressed the speed dial and placed the phone to her ear. All she wanted was to hear his voice, that’s all…just once. But her hopes were deflated almost instantly when her call went straight to voice mail. Sighing heavily, she blinked back the tears in her eyes and couldn’t think for the life of her why she was crying. Snapping her phone closed she threw it onto the couch, instantly feeling a single tear break free to create a wet path over her cheek. For some reason she was desperate to tell him she loved him, but before she could make a reach for her phone to do just that, it vibrated beside her.
Sara picked it up cautiously and felt her heart burst to life when she saw Grissom’s name highlighted in the caller window. Snapping it open she tried to keep her voice from shaking.
“Gil?”
When he eventually spoke she could hear the slight tremor in his voice and she bit down on her lip to stop her breath from catching.
“Honey, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she told him quickly as her heart hammered inside her chest. “I’m fine.”
“Sara... Is something wrong?”
She could hear the slight tremor in his voice and instantly felt the guilt creeping over her again. Keeping up with this self made torture was wearing pretty thin and she could already feel herself slipping away. Despite her determination to remain in control, her hormones were creating an almost impossible balance that shifted her from anger, to remorse and to sadness in a second flat. Whatever she did urged her to cry and she hated it.
“No…everything’s fine,” she lied. “It was nothing…I just…I wanted to see if you were still coming over after work.”
“Oh,” his voice sounded totally dejected, bringing more tears to her eyes. “Yes, I’ll be over later. Is that still all right?”
“Of course,” she answered quickly, and then turned to something work related before he heard the shaking in her voice. “Is it a busy night?”
“The usual,” he sighed. “Nick and Greg’s case is a little interesting…” his voice trailed off, and she was just about to ask him what was wrong when she heard his hurried whisper. “Listen, honey I have to go, Catherine’s on her way over here.”
“Oh, okay,” she nodded, then blurted in a hurried whisper. “I love you.”
He was silent for a few moments, but his reply when it came was hushed. “I love you too, honey. See you soon.”
“Okay, bye,” she whispered softly, but he was already gone.
She kept the phone to her ear even after the phone was silent, and she was suddenly transported back to those early days when they had only just began their blossoming relationship. They would spend hours on the phone, even after seeing each other all night. Even after they’d spent the morning together and gone their separate ways to their own beds, they still talked to each other for an hour at least like loved up teenagers, neither willing to put the phone down first.
Getting to her feet, she made her way slowly towards the kitchen area and picked up a bottle of ginger ale that the woman in the grocery store had recommended. Cautiously, she lifted the rim to her lips and took a small sip, instantly regretting it when she felt another bout of nausea hit her. Banging the bottle onto the counter she made a run for the bathroom, making it with only seconds to spare before she emptied what she thought was her entire food consumption for the last month.
Afterwards she managed to make her way towards her bed before collapsing onto it, completely exhausted. Her last thought was about how tired she was, before falling asleep almost instantly.
Sara’s eyes drifted down to their joined hands, trying not to let her chaotic emotions influence her into making a wrong decision. She didn’t want to leave, she really didn’t, but how could she not? Grissom had to understand that he couldn’t keep treating her this way and expect her to accept it. Thoughtlessness was one thing, but blatantly disregarding her was something else entirely. Yes in time she would forgive him because she knew that sometimes he could be totally clueless. But there are just some things that she couldn’t disregard, and she doubted that she would forget about his latest mistake in a hurry.
So where did that leave her? She was still unsure of everything that had happened, and her hormones were all over the place because of the baby. Even if she stayed, the last two days would still have happened. He had still spent the night with another woman, regardless of his lame explanations. Did he just expect her to understand it and carry on as if nothing had happened? Her free hand slid over her abdomen as she thought about the decisions she would need to make, but she was still so confused.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked him quietly, her voice catching as she spoke. “I can’t just forget about this, Gil.”
Grissom had been watching her for the last few moments. He could see the unrest in her eyes and the way she held her hand protectively over their child. Right in that moment when his gaze lingered over her flat stomach, he realised that there was nothing in this world he wanted to share more with her, than what laid beneath the palm of her hand.
“I know,” he nodded. “I don’t expect you to, but I would like a chance to explain myself.”
“You’re always trying to explain yourself,” she sighed. “It just gets us nowhere in the end. You know that.”
“Honey, please just listen to me okay…that’s all I’m asking…just let me-“
“And what if I still decide to leave when you’re done explaining?” she asked quickly, her stomach rolling as she fixed him with a steady gaze. “Will you try and stop me?”
“I…”
“Would you fight for me, Gil?” Her voice was level as she spoke, and it scared him more than he could ever admit. She was always so effervescent and her smile was one to match a thousand stars, but the look in her eyes was far from the vibrant woman he’d come to love so much.
“I would fight with everything I have for you, Sara.” Clasping her hands tighter, he thought he heard a soft whimper slip from her lips, but when he lifted his eyes to hers, all he could see was doubt. “I love you.”
There was that sound again, he mused, a soft whimper that seemed to come from her lips even though she hadn’t moved. He couldn’t help but look into her beautiful eyes, noting how they were still clouded with uncertainty. He needed to prove to her that she was and always had been the only woman he could ever feel this close to.
“I really wish it was that simple, Gil,” she told him quietly. “But there are some things that can’t be erased with words.”
Grissom watched her as she struggled to keep herself from shaking, and not for the first time since this whole nightmare began, he cursed himself for making yet another wrong decision. He needed her so much that sometimes he didn’t know how he had ever survived his fifty years without her. How could one person weave themselves inside another’s heart so tightly? She was everything, had always been everything…so why had he managed to screw things up so badly?
“Honey…” he started, his fingers stroking hers as he spoke. “Nothing happened with Heather-“
“I know you didn’t sleep with her if that’s what you’re thinking,” she told him quickly before he could finish. “But this isn’t only about her.”
“If this isn’t about her then tell me what it is about,” he stepped a little closer to wind his fingers around hers. “Sara, talk to me.”
She saw him gulp when she pulled her hands from his, eyeing him guardedly before turning away. “What do you want to talk about, exactly?”
“Honey-“
Whipping around to face him again, she surveyed him watching her, his expression one of sheer apprehension. Suddenly she felt her hurt transform into irritation when her mouth spurred on ahead of her brain. “Shall we talk about how you seem to think you can do anything you want, and knowing that you can get away with it because I love you too damn much?”
Grissom opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again when she took a step towards him. “Shall we talk about how you seem to forget about me every time it suits you?”
“Sara, I’ve never forgotten about you-“
“No?” she asked, her voice rising. “So what was all this crap with Heather? Did you even think about me at all?”
Grissom was stunned, how had their conversation slipped back to Heather so quickly? Didn’t she know by now that all he wanted to do was talk about their future, their child and how to fix this whole mess? But, he also knew that to begin repairing the damage he’d caused, he had to address the issue of Heather and the fact that yes sometimes he did tend to get a little involved in other things. It certainly didn’t mean he could ever forget whom he shared his life with. At least he thought it didn’t.
“Yes, I thought about you.”
“Okay,” she nodded. “When?”
“When, what?” he asked, slightly confused.
“Was it before or after you decided to stay the night?”
“Sara-“
“Was it before or after you raced to her side at the hospital, because you looked damn near guilty when you saw me there…” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for him to answer, feeling powerful and afraid all in one moment. “Well? Aren’t you going to come out with one of your quotes or long speeches? Because you must know they aren’t going to work this time.”
Grissom was fast becoming frustrated. Yes he had acted without thinking, but he’d been driven to help his friend. He just hadn’t thought at the time that his rushing to Heather’s side would cause so much damage in his relationship with Sara. He wished he could take it back, but he couldn’t. He knew he needed to fix this whole mess but he couldn’t seem to find the right words, and his silence only seemed to be angering Sara further.
“You can’t answer me can you?”
“SARA,” he snapped, but immediately regretting his sharp retort. Drawing in another breath, he reached out to her but she stepped out of his grasp.
She turned away from him then and held out her hand for the boxer who came over to sit at her feet. Swallowing hard, Sara sank down onto her knees beside their dog and stroked his soft fur, grateful for the distraction. He nuzzled her hand and she felt the anger slowly draining away to leave nothing but hopelessness.
“You should have called,” she spoke so softly that he almost didn’t hear her at first. “You shouldn’t have let me find out through someone else.”
Grissom closed his eyes against the visions swirling around inside his head. All he could think of was how much he had hurt her and how she had suffered alone and in silence while he was out playing the knight in shining armour. Opening his eyes again, he could see the anguish in her gaze and slowly moved closer towards her and Bruno.
“I know, honey, and I am truly sorry. I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt-“
“I felt sick,” she told him quickly, looking up to meet his eyes. “I’ve always had this fear when it comes to you, and I can’t help feeling like I’m always living in Heather’s shadow.”
“What? Why?” Coming closer, Grissom knelt down on the floor beside her. “Sara?”
“I only started thinking about dating Hank because of her,” she whispered sadly. “Everyone was telling me how beautiful she was, and how good you two were for each other…”
“Sara, there was never anything serious between Heather and I.”
“But you still chose someone other than me though, didn’t you?” Memories washed over her mind when she remembered how desolate she felt when she’d heard through the rumour mill that he’d found himself a girlfriend. “All I knew was that you didn’t have a problem with loving someone, as long as it wasn’t me…and I just…I couldn’t focus on anything…”
“I’m so sorry, Sara,” he whispered when he heard her voice trailing away. “It’s not something I intended to happen, it just did.”
“You know what the final push was with Hank?” she asked softly when his fingers reached out to close around hers.
He shook his head quickly. He didn’t want to remember how betrayed he’d felt when he had learned that she was seeing the paramedic. Even though she denied it at the time, he’d still set out to punish her for moving on without him, and her penalty had been one that lasted for far too long. He’d watched on silently as her kilowatt smile faded into oblivion, and the sparkle in her eyes had all but disappeared. She lost the bounce in her step and her spark that electrified a whole room.
In just over a year he’d watched her slowly disappear until the day he drove her home after she was almost arrested for DUI. It was then that he realised how much he’d missed her. Shifting a little closer to her he listened as she mentioned the paramedic again and swallowed down the jealousy that raged in his heart whenever he heard that name.
“It was either Hank or no one…and I was done with being alone…”
Guilt welled up inside him again, not just for the Heather incident, but also for his past mistakes too. How many chances did he honestly think he had left until the day would come when she wouldn’t forgive him one more time, then eventually leave him?
“You don’t have to explain to me, Sara. I know all about loneliness, it’s all I had before I met you.” Squeezing her fingers, he urged her to look up into his eyes. “I don’t love Heather.”
“Maybe not, but you yourself said you cared about her,” she told him, hating the depression that crept over her body. “ But at least now I know why you didn’t choose me to begin with...”
“Sara-“
“All I am is this,” she told him, cutting him off before he could finish. Looking down at her body, she waved a hand over it with distaste. “Brains and beauty don’t exactly go together, well not in my case anyway.”
Grissom’s mind was in overdrive. How could she think she was unattractive? She was the most beautiful woman in the world. “Sara, I don’t know what mirror you’ve been looking into sweetheart, but when I look at you, I see someone incredibly beautiful.”
“But I’m not her,” she whispered despondently. “How do I know that you’re only with me until she makes up her mind?”
“Because it’s you that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because there is no woman who could ever come a close second to you.” He saw her stiffen when he reached out to touch her and relieved when she didn’t pull away. “Because you are carrying my child, and I’ve never loved anyone enough to want to have a family with them.”
“Well,” she sighed as she ran a hand over her stomach, “this one wasn’t exactly planned.”
“Maybe he wasn’t, but my aunt Anna always used to say that if you worked with plans to have a baby, then you’d never have one because the time would never be quite right…this way, he’s unexpected, but we’ll love him all the same.”
Sara felt her mood lift slightly as she smiled up at him. “He?”
“Or she,” he nodded, reaching out to lay his hand over hers on her stomach.
“Aren’t you scared of all this?” she asked softly as her eyes drifted down to their joined hands before travelling back up to his meet his gaze. “Because, you’ve gotta know, having a baby scares the crap out of me.”
“Yeah, I’ve got my reservations about it, but the thought of becoming a father is growing on me.”
She knew she should be overjoyed with his new revelations, and to some extent she was. Only a short time ago he had looked at her like something from outer space when she’d reluctantly told him her news, and now here he was practically gushing. She didn’t know whether to embrace him or run away screaming.
“Yeah?” she asked finally although frustration was still simmering beneath her soft smiles. Her whole body ached and her mind was telling her to do one thing while her heart was telling her to do another. She wanted to be able to leave to prove to herself that she wasn’t some pushover that he could treat badly whenever he felt like it. But on the other hand, she wanted him to hold her and force the memory of the last few days out of her mind.
The way he was looking at her caused the guilt she was feeling to rise up inside her again. He was trying so hard to prove to her that he was serious about this, and that he wouldn’t hurt her again, but there was always that pang of irritation that reminded her of why she had her bags packed and was ready to leave. She didn’t want to hurt him, even though on some level she knew he deserved it. Being clueless didn’t give him a free pass to do as he pleased, and she had far too much to prove to herself and even more so to him. No, if there was any point in her life where she had to make a stand, it was now.
Lifting her free hand to his face, she let her fingertips linger over his lips before tracing over his stubbled chin. She caught his loving gaze with a tender one of her own; leaving him was going to be hard. “You should get some sleep,” she told him softly as she slowly pulled her fingers away from his face. “You look tired.”
Reaching forward he caught her hand and brought it to his lips to plant a soft kiss in her palm. “Are we going to be okay?”
Closing her eyes she felt his warm lips lingering over her skin and she suddenly felt a new wave of awareness wash over her. Up until now their whole relationship had existed on Grissom’s terms, and now some of that power had shifted back to her. Opening her eyes she offered him a small smile, “In time, yeah I think so.”
“Please don’t leave,” his voice broke, causing her to lift her eyes to his. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Gil,” she sighed sadly. How could she explain to him that his behaviour had helped to dredge up some raw memories from her childhood? There was still so much he didn’t know, and maybe when the time was right she would tell him some of her darkest fears, but for now she had to deal with the memories that his latest misjudgement had evoked. Looking up, she squeezed his hand on her stomach knowing whatever she said to him from this point on would be tough on both of them, but he deserved to know.
“My father was always sorry after the beatings,” she started, her voice soft and hesitant. “He was always going to change and never hit any of us again, and after the first few times I knew they were just empty promises…”
Grissom nodded slowly as he threaded his fingers through hers, silently waiting for her to continue, even though he feared what she was going to say.
“One day, after he’d beat on us, my mom packed our bags and we managed to reach the door…I had black eyes and my arm was in a sling. Mom was beaten black and blue, and we made it all the way out to the front yard before he grabbed her arm and promised that this would be the very last time…” Tears filled her eyes when she looked into his, and she saw him swallow the lump in his throat.
“Oh Sara…” he whispered sadly as he squeezed her hands tighter. He didn’t want to even think of how much torment she must have endured as a child. All he wanted to do right now was hold her tightly and erase all the pain from her mind, but the sadness in her eyes told him that there was so much more to her heart wrenching past than he knew. Nodding silently he urged her to continue, even though he couldn’t bear to hear of her pain.
“He told her he loved her and he didn’t want her to leave. He promised if we stayed then things would be different, that he would get help to deal with his anger…”
When her voice trailed away, Grissom shifted a little closer to her, urging Bruno out from between them. He could feel her body trembling when he slid an arm around her shoulders to pull her into his chest. “And she stayed?”
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I was ten years old and I wanted to leave but I had nowhere to go…I didn’t trust him…I knew he wouldn’t change because I’d seen the rage in his eyes way before I saw his fist coming at me…” Closing her eyes briefly, she opened them again to see him watching her worriedly. “He’d already driven Joe away by that time…but that didn’t seem to bother her at all…all she could think about was how much she loved him.”
“Sara, you must know I would never hurt you like that, never.”
“I know,” she whispered as she pulled away slightly so she could look up into his eyes. “But if I don’t leave, then I’m no better than my mother…and I will not, ever, be like her.”
Grissom’s eyes filled with tears when he reached up a hand to her face to gently trail his fingers over her cheek. “You don’t have to leave to show that you’re not like her, Sara.”
Sara closed her eyes when the memories of her past almost overwhelmed her, she didn’t want to leave him, ever, but she knew she had to, not only to prove to him that she wouldn’t take his behaviour anymore, but because she needed to demonstrate to herself that she was strong enough to live without him.
Lifting her hand up to his on her cheek, she covered his with her own before opening her eyes. “Yes, I do.”
Grissom was desperate. They were getting nowhere and whatever he said to her he knew it wouldn’t be enough to restore the trust he had broken. He opened his mouth to speak but she spoke before he could say anything.
“I’m not leaving you forever,” she told him gently. “I just need some time on my own to think, that’s all…I need to know that our baby is going to have two parents who are together for the right reasons…I want to know that when I walk out of here that you’ll miss me…and that you’ll remember why I’m not here.”
Tugging on her hands, he stood up and pulled her to her feet. “How can I let you walk out that door and not try to stop you?”
“If you love me you’ll let me do this,” she told him, her voice soft and pleading. “You did something that I can’t just simply forget about, and if anything, me not being here should make you see that.”
“I should have called you,” he groaned in frustration. “Let’s just agree that I was wrong and move past this…please?”
Sara sighed heavily as she stepped closer towards him and leaned in closer to press her lips onto his, kissing him slowly before pulling away from him to stroke a finger down his cheek. “I love you.”
“Please…Sara…” But he couldn’t get the words out when he saw her move away from him.
Bending down, Sara picked up the bag by the door and slipped it over her shoulder before patting Bruno on the head softly. “You be good for your dad, okay baby?” she told him tearfully. “I’ll see you soon.”
Turning back to Grissom again, her breath caught on a sob as tears slipped from her eyes. “I’ll miss you.”
“Don’t go,” he stepped forward, needing to hold her but she moved away. The tears that had been welling in his eyes suddenly broke free to trail wet tracks down his face as he watched her pick up the suitcase and open the door. “Sara-“
She turned to face him, “I have to go.” she was crying hard, but she shook her head when he took a step closer. “No…please…this is hard enough as it is…”
“Then don’t leave…” his voice rasped desperately, and he didn’t care anymore who saw him like this. Trying again, he managed to keep his voice from shaking. “If it feels wrong then don’t do it…please, don’t do it…”
“I have to,” she whispered as tears cascaded over her cheeks when she stopped outside on the step. Part of her wanted to abandon this whole notion and throw herself back into his arms, but she knew if she did, then everything she had deigned to achieve would have been meaningless.
“But…you’re off tonight,” he told her desperately. “When will I see you?”
“After shift,” she told him softly as she sniffed back another onslaught of tears. “We can talk some more if you want.”
“Yes,” he breathed, moving towards her even though she was half way towards her car. “Sara, I’m so sorry…honey, please believe me-“
She turned to look at him, the sorrow in her eyes causing him to catch his breath. He didn’t know what else to do except tell her again how much he needed her in his life.
“I love you,” he managed before his voice broke completely.
She offered him a small smile and nodded her head before turning away again, never once looking back until she was safely in her car. She glanced over to him and Bruno as they hovered in the open doorway side by side, both looking lost and alone, and it took every ounce of strength she had to not jump out of that car and back into his arms. She had done the one thing that her mother couldn’t, so why did it feel so wrong? Tearing her eyes away from his, she started the car and drove away, leaving nothing but heartache behind her.
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Grissom lay in their empty bed and stared up at the ceiling. Sara had only been gone for a few hours but already he could feel the weight of her absence. His mind kept returning back over the last two days, creating a wave of disdain that sent shards of regret to vibrate throughout his body. He’d made a huge mistake, one that would cost him dearly this time.
At first he had been angry, blaming her for overreacting and thrown himself into cleaning the townhouse as he tried to force her out of his mind, but then he would come across some items of clothing that belonged to her and everything would flare up inside him again. He already missed her so much, more than he had when he was away on sabbatical. He hadn’t realised how his time away had caused some cracks in their relationship, either. He’d always taken for granted that she loved him enough to always be there when he needed her. It wasn’t until she had enforced him with this temporary separation that he finally understood how deeply he had hurt her.
At first all he could focus on was his own pain and how she was the one to cause it. No other woman could tie him in knots like she did. Ever since the first time when he met her, she had scared him. She had the capacity to stop his heart in mid beat and cause him to babble incoherently. She had always been the only woman capable of bringing him to his knees.
He couldn’t seem to remember what his life was like before her, and that scared him too. She had quickly gone from the woman he’d always dreamed of to the woman he now shared dreams with. She was interlaced within him on so many levels that he often fought to remember how he had survived for so long without her.
Sighing heavily, he turned onto his side and stretched his arm out to the empty side of the bed. He wanted to feel her there beside him again. How many times had he woken in the night to find her shaking and in tears because she’d had a nightmare about her father? It wasn’t until he was here alone that he started to wonder how many times she had awoken in the night while he was away? Did she have one while he was at Heather’s? The thought of her going through her night terrors alone kept him from seeking the solace he craved. Sleep refused to envelope him, and he knew it was his guilt that kept him awake.
More than anything in the world right now he wanted to touch her and wrap his arms around her body and remind himself that he was the stupidest, luckiest man alive. If only he’d realized just how lucky he was, then maybe he wouldn’t have gotten himself into this mess with Heather, and Sara would still be here.
Closing his eyes again, Grissom’s mind wandered to the baby that Sara was carrying. He could see Sara’s face in his mind when she’d told him her news, and even though he knew he’d reacted somewhat disbelievingly, he wanted this child so badly. He selfishly wanted it all, and right now his career didn’t seem all that important any more. Was it even possible to fall in love with something that wasn’t even here?
Would he even be a good father? Would their son or daughter come to him when they fell and grazed their knee? He had never had any kind of bond with his father, nothing that he could remember anyway. But he wanted to be the right kind of father who would love and protect his child from everything in the world that could hurt them. He couldn’t even remember his dad, or even if he had been loved by him. That was something that his child would know, that he or she was loved more than anything in the world.
Sighing heavily he looked over at the red LCD numbers on the clock and closed his eyes. This bed was all wrong and plumping up the pillows behind him did nothing to ease his discomfort. Laying back down he closed his eyes again, but he knew it wasn’t the bed, or the pillows or his furry bed companion that were the problem. He was missing Sara and the way she wrapped her body around his when they slept.
He missed her warm breath in the back of his neck and the way she always managed to take up the whole bed and leave him almost clinging onto the edge of the mattress. He didn’t care that she was a complete bed hog, or that she moved around so much in her sleep. He didn’t even care that she had freezing cold feet and always used him as her hot water bottle. She always insisted that he had body heat to spare and even though she found his shifting around the bed to avoid her cold toes, often hysterical, he’d give anything right now to let her warm her feet on his legs.
“Aww, come on baby, my feet are cold,” she whined when she slowly edged her toes over towards him in the bed.
“Well, then put some socks on,” he chuckled as he darted his body away from her.
“I was wearing socks, but my feet are still cold…” she moved her legs quickly over to his and buried her toes between his leg and the mattress.
“Jeeze,” he groaned when she started giggling hysterically as she brought her other foot over to do the same. “Damn, honey. Don’t you have any blood in you or something?”
“Aww, quit complaining,” she beamed. “They’ll be warm in a few minutes.”
“Yeah and I’ll be cold!”
“Poor baby,” she told him with a smile as she snuggled the rest of her body closer to his and offered him a seductive smile. “I’ll warm you up with the rest of me.”
“The rest of you huh?” he grinned, “Just make sure it’s not your feet.”
“No feet,” she chuckled. “Got it.”
Grissom smiled at the memory when he turned onto his side and opened his eyes again. His eyes were suddenly drawn to his cell phone as he willed it to ring. He wanted desperately to call her, just to hear her voice. Had she missed him as much as this when he left for Massachusetts, he wondered. He could barely function without her after only a few hours, so how had she coped with a whole month? He had so many things he needed to make up to her, from his years of avoidance, from his month long sabbatical and right through to the whole Heather fiasco.
“You’re an ass,” he muttered to himself. “It’s your own stupid fault she left you.”
Bruno lifted his head and whined before leaping off of the bed to go and sit by the open door. His soft grunts caused Grissom to sit up again and watch the dog with sympathy.
“I know boy, I miss her too.” Patting the bed he urged Bruno to come and lay down but he wouldn’t move. “We’ll go see your mom tomorrow, okay. Now I need to sleep, so either come and lay down or quit staring at me.”
Bruno cocked his head to the side and flopped down onto the floor. Nodding, Grissom lay back down and tried desperately to get some sleep before the alarm would go off for work. This was going to be probably the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, but he would do anything she asked of him, even if it meant them living apart for a while. If their separation was the only way he could convince her that she was everything to him, then he would do it, because everything was about her from now on.
As he closed his eyes, Grissom’s mind drifted into thoughts of how he could make things right again between them, and the one thing that kept coming back to him was that he would take her out to dinner, to a proper restaurant with real people. His days of hiding her were over. It was time that he allowed the rest of the world to see what he’d been keeping to himself for far too long. He was in love with Sara Sidle.
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Sara was dozing on her small sofa when she woke up with a start and looked around her. The first signs of panic slowly ebbed away when she realised where she was. Memories came flooding back in one huge wave and she closed her eyes to keep herself from crying again. That was all she had done since she returned to her tiny apartment earlier, and she was getting sick of feeling like this. This wasn’t her; this was some other pathetic excuse for a woman. Her strength had always been her greatest ally, but it had fled along with everything else in her life lately.
She couldn’t seem to erase the lost figures of Grissom and Bruno out of her mind, and so many times she’d almost turned her car around and headed straight back to them. Yes she knew she was probably being overly stubborn, but she couldn’t seem to let this go. He had been in the wrong; she knew that, she kept telling herself that. He had to learn that people in normal, happy relationships didn’t spend a night alone with an ex lover and think it was okay. She was doing this for herself and to prove to him that she wouldn’t bear the brunt of his clueless-ness any longer, so why did she feel so awful?
Opening her eyes, she looked around her almost empty apartment and sighed heavily. This room held so many memories within it’s tiny walls; secrets that no one else knew apart from her and her entomologist.
A soft smile crept over her lips when she remembered how he had turned up at her door, twisting his hands nervously as he waited for her to invite him in. He’d been utterly adorable and incredibly sweet, and she’d fallen in love with him even more.
“I…um…can I come in?”
She hadn’t realised until he spoke that she had been staring. He’d only ever been to her apartment three times before. The first was after her almost arrest, the second after her suspension and the third was after she’d been attacked in the mental hospital. All three times he’d held her hand and offered her what little comfort he could offer, but it had been enough for her at the time.
“Yeah,” she stepped back to let him pass. “Sorry.”
When he stepped inside he just seemed to stand in the same spot looking around the room. “I…um…I couldn’t sleep…so I decided to go for a drive…and…”
She offered him a tentative smile. “So you decided to come here?”
Grissom’s eyes found hers almost instantly and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “I should have called first-“
“Why?” she asked him with another smile. “You’re always welcome here Grissom, you’ll never need an invitation.”
“I…” his eyes closed briefly before he opened them again to look at her. “Thank you, Sara.”
She grinned at him again before she turned to head towards the small kitchen area. “Go and sit down, Grissom. You want coffee?”
She didn’t bother to wait for a reply, because knowing Grissom he’d either spend the entire time he was here just listening to her babble or he’d turn tail and run away. She was almost afraid to turn around for fear that he would have already fled out of the door before she had a chance to switch the kettle on. But when she did finally chance a glimpse to where he was standing last, she was totally thrown off balance when she realised he was directly behind her.
“Jeeze,” she gasped. “Grissom, you scared me!”
“Sorry,” he smirked, all traces of his previous awkwardness gone as he pushed past her to grab two mugs from the cupboard. “I was thinking that maybe you might like to have dinner with me before shift…I could cook something if you want…or we could find some place to eat…your choice.”
Sara shook her head in bewilderment, had he just asked her out on a date? She was so sure she was dreaming. Gil Grissom only ever came into her home and did this kind of domestic thing in her dreams, but when she opened her eyes again and blinked a few times she heard his soft chuckle.
“What are you doing?”
“I…” she licked her lips and realised he was still smiling. “What am I doing?” she asked indignantly as she placed her hands on her hips to stare at him guardedly. “You have never come to my apartment and asked me to do what you just asked me to do, so forgive me if I’m just a little confused.”
Grissom sighed heavily as he turned to face her. “I know…and you have every right to throw me out after what I’ve done to you, but when I saw Nick in that glass coffin all I could think of was…” his voice trailed off and he looked down at his feet again.
“You didn’t know how you would cope if it was me in that box?” she asked gently as she stepped towards him.
Grissom lifted his head and found her watching him, her eyes so full of emotion that he almost lost his breath. “Yes,” he told her on a whisper. “I don’t know how I would cope if I lost you…Sara…”
“I know. I feel the same way…” Sara felt his fingers touch her arm and she instantly found herself mesmerised in his gaze. He was so close and she needed to feel him so badly, but she was still afraid she would wake up at any moment. She snapped her eyes closed again, squeezing them tight to stop any of the moisture building behind them to break free. “Grissom-“
“Shh,” he whispered, so close that she could feel his warm breath on her face. “Honey, open your eyes.”
She shook her head quickly, much as she had done when she was a child. “You’re not really here…if I open my eyes then this has to end…and…I-“
Her voice was cut off mid sentence when a strong pair of arms pulled her into a tight embrace, forcing the breath out of her body. Opening her eyes she tried to focus but the feel of him around her was intoxicating and she didn’t want him to ever let go.
“Please tell me I’m not too late,” he whispered against her ear. “I’ve already wasted too much time.”
His words caused Sara’s flaccid arms to slowly move. Her hands slid up his back until she was pulling his body closer to hers. “You could never be too late,” she sniffed as she held him.
Her words coursed through him spurring him to slowly pull away so that he could gaze down into her beautiful eyes. “Sara…”
“No,” she whispered as she focussed on his lips. “Don’t say anything…please…”
Grissom closed his eyes briefly when her breath fanned his face. So many times he had dreamt of this, of holding her, kissing her, making love to her. Opening his eyes again he slowly dipped his head, meeting her half way as their lips touched gently, lingering together for a few seconds before they pulled away to gaze into each others eyes. Neither of them had been prepared for the overwhelming desire that shot through them both the second their lips touched. Sara could feel the slight tremble in her knees as she smiled up at him reassuringly, before moving to claim his lips again in at kiss that left them both gasping for more.
“Sara…” he whispered breathlessly when he tore his lips from hers. Her kisses were addictive, and he had to hold his forehead against hers just to stop himself from tumbling headlong into her. He couldn’t stop whispering her name, over and over until his words were replaced with a trail of soft kisses that he adorned over her face. He loved the taste of her as he continued to kiss his way along the column of her throat, and then back up again until he came to hover over her lips again. “My Sara…”
“I’m yours,” she told him softly, her voice breaking when she saw his eyes welling with tears. She had never felt so utterly adored before in her life. “Gil…”
Hearing his name on her lips sent shock waves throughout his body and he suddenly pulled her against him, connecting their lips in a scorching kiss that sealed them both in an unspoken act of devotion. Sara’s hands found their way into his hair, her fingers threading through his greying curls. She was lost in him, and when his tongue ran along her lower lip begging for entry, everything around them melted away. One kiss led into another until they broke away, panting heavily, both of them shocked and elated by what had just happened.
“I…wow…” she managed breathlessly. His eyes seemed to be devouring her and she could feel the rosy blush heating her cheeks. “I-“
His lips were on hers again before she could speak, kissing her with one long kiss that left her body melting into his body. When he slowly pulled away he smiled down into her desire filled eyes. “You’re right,” he whispered against her lips, “ you do talk too much.”
At first she pulled back and just stared at him, stunned, until she saw the laughter in his eyes. She had never seen this side of him before and she couldn’t resist lunging at him to wrap her arms around his neck. “Well you’d best find a way to keep me from talking,” she beamed, delighted when his arms came around to hold her tightly against his body.
“I think I know just how to do that,” he told her in a husky whisper when their lips mashed together again.
Sara smiled with the memory. They had come a long way since then, moving at a more slower pace into intimacy than Sara would have liked,but when they eventually reached that point in their relationship, neither had quite expected to feel so connected to the other. It was unexpected and totally enthralling to be so attached to another human being. Sara had never felt this way about anyone before in her life.
Glancing over at the clock she sighed heavily when she thought of how he must be coping and if he was handling this any better than she was. In two hours, shift ended and he would soon be here. Despite all of her strength, she still found herself needing him despite of what he’d done. Reaching out suddenly, she grabbed her cell phone and hurriedly flipped it open, her finger hovering over the call button. She looked down at the small screen hesitantly, biting her lower lip as she forced herself to close the phone again and replace it onto the sofa beside her.
Closing her eyes she slid a hand over her stomach trying desperately to be strong. She didn’t want to be here in this cold and empty apartment, and for some reason she’d been trying to convince herself all night that this was the right thing to do for the sake of her own sanity. She was determined that she wasn’t going to be a victim like her mother was, but as soon as she stepped into her own apartment she realised she had never understood her mother better than she did right now.
Standing up abruptly, she shook her head in denial; since when had she been anything like her mother? She hadn’t wanted to put them both through all of this madness. All she’d wanted to do for the last few hours was to run back to him. The only thing that stopped her was knowing that everything she’d set out to do would have been totally meaningless if she couldn’t even last a full day.
A wave of dizziness washed over her then and she slowly sat back down onto the couch. She could feel her stomach rolling before she could even think about making her way to the bathroom. She hadn’t been able to keep anything down and she wasn’t sure if her nausea was through lack of food or morning sickness. She hated being ill, and she hated being alone even more. Taking a deep breath she tried to blink the moisture away from her eyes even though she was utterly miserable.
She looked around at the four walls surrounding her and suddenly felt totally isolated. She was tired, her ribs hurt from heaving and she didn’t want to be alone in this anymore. Her body was already starting to change and every tiny pain or ache she had, scared her to death. Looking down over her still flat stomach she slipped a hand across her abdomen. It still didn’t feel real, any of it. Not the baby, not Grissom’s mistakes or the fact that she had managed to transform herself back into the recluse that she had once been. She didn’t want to return to being that sad person again.
Picking up the cell phone, she swallowed heavily as she pressed the speed dial and placed the phone to her ear. All she wanted was to hear his voice, that’s all…just once. But her hopes were deflated almost instantly when her call went straight to voice mail. Sighing heavily, she blinked back the tears in her eyes and couldn’t think for the life of her why she was crying. Snapping her phone closed she threw it onto the couch, instantly feeling a single tear break free to create a wet path over her cheek. For some reason she was desperate to tell him she loved him, but before she could make a reach for her phone to do just that, it vibrated beside her.
Sara picked it up cautiously and felt her heart burst to life when she saw Grissom’s name highlighted in the caller window. Snapping it open she tried to keep her voice from shaking.
“Gil?”
When he eventually spoke she could hear the slight tremor in his voice and she bit down on her lip to stop her breath from catching.
“Honey, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she told him quickly as her heart hammered inside her chest. “I’m fine.”
“Sara... Is something wrong?”
She could hear the slight tremor in his voice and instantly felt the guilt creeping over her again. Keeping up with this self made torture was wearing pretty thin and she could already feel herself slipping away. Despite her determination to remain in control, her hormones were creating an almost impossible balance that shifted her from anger, to remorse and to sadness in a second flat. Whatever she did urged her to cry and she hated it.
“No…everything’s fine,” she lied. “It was nothing…I just…I wanted to see if you were still coming over after work.”
“Oh,” his voice sounded totally dejected, bringing more tears to her eyes. “Yes, I’ll be over later. Is that still all right?”
“Of course,” she answered quickly, and then turned to something work related before he heard the shaking in her voice. “Is it a busy night?”
“The usual,” he sighed. “Nick and Greg’s case is a little interesting…” his voice trailed off, and she was just about to ask him what was wrong when she heard his hurried whisper. “Listen, honey I have to go, Catherine’s on her way over here.”
“Oh, okay,” she nodded, then blurted in a hurried whisper. “I love you.”
He was silent for a few moments, but his reply when it came was hushed. “I love you too, honey. See you soon.”
“Okay, bye,” she whispered softly, but he was already gone.
She kept the phone to her ear even after the phone was silent, and she was suddenly transported back to those early days when they had only just began their blossoming relationship. They would spend hours on the phone, even after seeing each other all night. Even after they’d spent the morning together and gone their separate ways to their own beds, they still talked to each other for an hour at least like loved up teenagers, neither willing to put the phone down first.
Getting to her feet, she made her way slowly towards the kitchen area and picked up a bottle of ginger ale that the woman in the grocery store had recommended. Cautiously, she lifted the rim to her lips and took a small sip, instantly regretting it when she felt another bout of nausea hit her. Banging the bottle onto the counter she made a run for the bathroom, making it with only seconds to spare before she emptied what she thought was her entire food consumption for the last month.
Afterwards she managed to make her way towards her bed before collapsing onto it, completely exhausted. Her last thought was about how tired she was, before falling asleep almost instantly.