I'm lonely in my pseudo cozy, couchless paradise of an apartment where I've no on to eat dinner with
It's strange, this summer, with it's recurring motto of 'It's okay that everything is hard, you're growing up.' That has failed as my current mantra, and I've decided I despise it.
Everything that has escalated into a problem is due to one contraction and a word.
I'm lonely.
The only time I'm lucky enough to talk to someone, it's for brief moments in class, or turning in an application for the numerous (well over twenty) applications I have floating in the world or when by chance Corey and I stay together when I don't have to rush to class in the morning.
The only time I leave to do something productive is to class and the gym.
The jobless-ness is affecting my life dramatically (in my relationships, mentally, and physically).
From that, I've been clinging, apparently a bit too strong, to the only person I have to talk to in person. I see his side and agree, but it's hard to comply with. The last week has been confusing, frightening and hard. He's been keeping a lot in the last month and when it came out Friday... well I was afraid I was going to be even more lonely. But, the fortunes I have taped to my laptop are keeping their promises, atleast for now. I'm so afraid of losing him. His assurances that it's not going to happen only suffice for a few minutes, and I go back to watching, ever so closely, what I do and say.
In one conversation we were having he said he missed the old, enigmatic Amanda. The one that didn't cry at the drop of a hat, said 'yes' like it meant 'no,' went through life as though the world couldn't touch her. Something happended and I lost that. I lost my upper hand on the world. My greatest fear isn't dying or spiders or becoming a soccer mom; it's losing the power to keep the world guessing. I want it back. I can be explained, I can be understood; and that's the last thing I want.
Everything that has escalated into a problem is due to one contraction and a word.
I'm lonely.
The only time I'm lucky enough to talk to someone, it's for brief moments in class, or turning in an application for the numerous (well over twenty) applications I have floating in the world or when by chance Corey and I stay together when I don't have to rush to class in the morning.
The only time I leave to do something productive is to class and the gym.
The jobless-ness is affecting my life dramatically (in my relationships, mentally, and physically).
From that, I've been clinging, apparently a bit too strong, to the only person I have to talk to in person. I see his side and agree, but it's hard to comply with. The last week has been confusing, frightening and hard. He's been keeping a lot in the last month and when it came out Friday... well I was afraid I was going to be even more lonely. But, the fortunes I have taped to my laptop are keeping their promises, atleast for now. I'm so afraid of losing him. His assurances that it's not going to happen only suffice for a few minutes, and I go back to watching, ever so closely, what I do and say.
In one conversation we were having he said he missed the old, enigmatic Amanda. The one that didn't cry at the drop of a hat, said 'yes' like it meant 'no,' went through life as though the world couldn't touch her. Something happended and I lost that. I lost my upper hand on the world. My greatest fear isn't dying or spiders or becoming a soccer mom; it's losing the power to keep the world guessing. I want it back. I can be explained, I can be understood; and that's the last thing I want.