this entry may run quite long
so i went home, it was depressing and refreshing and revealing, and the biggest thing i took away from the experience was "i have grown up so much more than anyone really reaizes"
i'm handling myself so much better in so many situations, slowly i am letting go of the complete selfishness aspect of my nature, and trying to grasp something that is in between what's best for me, but wont hurt other people, keeping in mind that i cant make EVERYONE happy. and the first person i should worry about making happy is me.
im getting a lot better with not turning to other people for my happiness, instead i am now sitting through it in my own mind, working things out, or trying to, and trying is a start and it never hurts.
im beginning to look at my parents through the eyes of the adult im turning into, starting to see them not as these great overbearing and all powerful gods, but as human beings who i need to relate to in order to find a better new level of relatioship with. my father and i aren't having too many problems in that respect, i am now fully at ease with my father's humanity, but realizing his faults upsets me, cuz i know im the only one he'll listen to, so it's up to me to call him on the wrongs.
mom, im starting to learn to stand up to, you wanna fuck with me? that aint cool, i didnt ask to be bron, and i didnt ask to be fucked with, you decided to bring me into this world and call me daughter, start doing a better job of being a MOTHER. it's too late for you to raise me, but you can still try and understand me.
more than that, i realized jamaica is my home, and it always will be. it is what i consider to be the most beautiful place on earth, and i do not want to live anywhere else.
seeing that things werent picture perfectin jamaica either, was a good wake up too. to know that wherever i go it is me, and not my surroundings, that affects how i am in my head and subsequently how i deal with my situations in life, was a good realization.
i feel pretty good getting all this in before the end of july, i feel like i have a headstart on being 19. but we'll see what that holds.
missed you!!
i'm handling myself so much better in so many situations, slowly i am letting go of the complete selfishness aspect of my nature, and trying to grasp something that is in between what's best for me, but wont hurt other people, keeping in mind that i cant make EVERYONE happy. and the first person i should worry about making happy is me.
im getting a lot better with not turning to other people for my happiness, instead i am now sitting through it in my own mind, working things out, or trying to, and trying is a start and it never hurts.
im beginning to look at my parents through the eyes of the adult im turning into, starting to see them not as these great overbearing and all powerful gods, but as human beings who i need to relate to in order to find a better new level of relatioship with. my father and i aren't having too many problems in that respect, i am now fully at ease with my father's humanity, but realizing his faults upsets me, cuz i know im the only one he'll listen to, so it's up to me to call him on the wrongs.
mom, im starting to learn to stand up to, you wanna fuck with me? that aint cool, i didnt ask to be bron, and i didnt ask to be fucked with, you decided to bring me into this world and call me daughter, start doing a better job of being a MOTHER. it's too late for you to raise me, but you can still try and understand me.
more than that, i realized jamaica is my home, and it always will be. it is what i consider to be the most beautiful place on earth, and i do not want to live anywhere else.
seeing that things werent picture perfectin jamaica either, was a good wake up too. to know that wherever i go it is me, and not my surroundings, that affects how i am in my head and subsequently how i deal with my situations in life, was a good realization.
i feel pretty good getting all this in before the end of july, i feel like i have a headstart on being 19. but we'll see what that holds.
missed you!!