(no subject)
Uh oh, I'm awake again. It's 1 am. Starin', such a sight. Well, at least the stars are bright...
Wow. It's amazing how boredom can leave someone feeling so completely blank and utterly useless. I've got this strange, empty, awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Some might say it's the carbonation of the Pepsi I drank awhile ago, others might say it's the ache of loneliness and helplessness...some might just disregard it or confuse it for hunger. I, on the other hand, can't really decide. At the risk of proving Kyle right and being "emo" I'm just gonna go with the icky carbonated drink.
You know, I really don't know exactly what to write about. There's no one to talk to. Case left me to go watch a movie, no one interesting is online, everyone is in bed so calling people is out of the question. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I feel like talking to someone, just pouring my heart out for no apparent reason.
Maybe it was the dream I had about Jamie a few nights ago. It was so strange that I actually woke up disoriented and upset. I had this dream that he was a student with me, and we were both part of a school trip...It was kind of an indoor camping trip. All the students were staying in one big room, sleeping in rows on the floor. Jamie and I were laying next to one another, and some girl was on the other side of me. Past that, I have no idea who was there. All the sudden, my mom, who happened to be one of the parent chaperones, walked into the room, right in front of Jamie and I, and started talking a bunch of really harsh stuff about me in front of everyone. She talked about how I'm a total bitch and I'm never happy or grateful for anything, and basically, that I was a total disappointment. Instead of showing any emotion, I said "Mom, go back upstairs." and then she left. After that, it was lights out, and everyone went to sleep. That's when I finally started crying quietly, trying not to let anyone hear or notice that I was upset. Then Jamie, who had his back towards me, rolled over, and put his arms around me and told me not to cry, and that it would all be okay. After that, nothing really important happened, but when I woke up, all I could think about was him putting his arms around me and hugging me and making me feel better like he always used to. I woke up disoriented and it took me a second to realize where I was, and that he wasn't in my arms...I was still almost in tears. It was really weird.
Everything is kinda weird right now. I just don't know where I want to end up. I feel so restless. It's like, I want to run and get away, but I have nowhere to run, and everything I want to get away from is somehow my own fault. I can't really explain it. I guess it doesn't make sense, even to me. I just...I dunno, I don't feel like being ME right now. I feel like leaving town for awhile, and getting away from my family and friends, but at the same time, leaving them behind scares the shit outta me. It's such a catch-22.
So who knows, maybe moving to Quebec right after graduation is my best bet...maybe going to UBC is. At this point, I feel like saying "Fuck it." and moving to Paris, San Francisco or somewhere where I'm completely unattached, unknown, and independent. After all, there's nothing here tying me down once school is over. This summer has been one freak show after another, and I haven't had a break since the day exams ended. I get like 5 days to myself this whole summer, and that's not until the end of August. Great. I think I'm going insane.
All the melodramatic bullshit aside, I think I'm just really tired. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. I have so much anger inside me over things I thought I'd gotten over. Yay for suppression, right? Well, anyway, I guess I'm done.
//End another useless, long over-due blog entry.
-Amanda-
<3
Wow. It's amazing how boredom can leave someone feeling so completely blank and utterly useless. I've got this strange, empty, awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Some might say it's the carbonation of the Pepsi I drank awhile ago, others might say it's the ache of loneliness and helplessness...some might just disregard it or confuse it for hunger. I, on the other hand, can't really decide. At the risk of proving Kyle right and being "emo" I'm just gonna go with the icky carbonated drink.
You know, I really don't know exactly what to write about. There's no one to talk to. Case left me to go watch a movie, no one interesting is online, everyone is in bed so calling people is out of the question. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I feel like talking to someone, just pouring my heart out for no apparent reason.
Maybe it was the dream I had about Jamie a few nights ago. It was so strange that I actually woke up disoriented and upset. I had this dream that he was a student with me, and we were both part of a school trip...It was kind of an indoor camping trip. All the students were staying in one big room, sleeping in rows on the floor. Jamie and I were laying next to one another, and some girl was on the other side of me. Past that, I have no idea who was there. All the sudden, my mom, who happened to be one of the parent chaperones, walked into the room, right in front of Jamie and I, and started talking a bunch of really harsh stuff about me in front of everyone. She talked about how I'm a total bitch and I'm never happy or grateful for anything, and basically, that I was a total disappointment. Instead of showing any emotion, I said "Mom, go back upstairs." and then she left. After that, it was lights out, and everyone went to sleep. That's when I finally started crying quietly, trying not to let anyone hear or notice that I was upset. Then Jamie, who had his back towards me, rolled over, and put his arms around me and told me not to cry, and that it would all be okay. After that, nothing really important happened, but when I woke up, all I could think about was him putting his arms around me and hugging me and making me feel better like he always used to. I woke up disoriented and it took me a second to realize where I was, and that he wasn't in my arms...I was still almost in tears. It was really weird.
Everything is kinda weird right now. I just don't know where I want to end up. I feel so restless. It's like, I want to run and get away, but I have nowhere to run, and everything I want to get away from is somehow my own fault. I can't really explain it. I guess it doesn't make sense, even to me. I just...I dunno, I don't feel like being ME right now. I feel like leaving town for awhile, and getting away from my family and friends, but at the same time, leaving them behind scares the shit outta me. It's such a catch-22.
So who knows, maybe moving to Quebec right after graduation is my best bet...maybe going to UBC is. At this point, I feel like saying "Fuck it." and moving to Paris, San Francisco or somewhere where I'm completely unattached, unknown, and independent. After all, there's nothing here tying me down once school is over. This summer has been one freak show after another, and I haven't had a break since the day exams ended. I get like 5 days to myself this whole summer, and that's not until the end of August. Great. I think I'm going insane.
All the melodramatic bullshit aside, I think I'm just really tired. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. I have so much anger inside me over things I thought I'd gotten over. Yay for suppression, right? Well, anyway, I guess I'm done.
//End another useless, long over-due blog entry.
-Amanda-
<3