(no subject)
And if I could teach the world to be, I'd teach them how to be something just like me - frustrated, bitter, depressing.
I told you I loved you. I meant it. I still do. You were my best friend...or so I thought. I cared about you so much, that I can honestly say I would've taken a bullet for you without hesitation. But you didn't feel it. You threw me the "really really good friend" line. You stood me up - on more than one occassion. Everything that went wrong, I made it somehow my fault. Maybe I never put the blame where it truly belongs. Maybe thinking that it's anybody's fault is a mistake...So the first hot blonde in a short skirt means more to you than I do. Well, ok...I guess I have to accept that. I can't MAKE you want me, I can't MAKE you need me, and I can't MAKE you feel the same nagging, gut-wrenching disgust that I feel. I guess I have to accept that, too. It's been 49 days since I've even spoken to you. GOD knows how many days since I've actually seen you in person. You know, the last time that I saw you, you were at work...you were standing behind the counter at the till...you were wearing your black manager's shirt, and your Quicksilver hat, because your shift was almost over...Your little winged hair flipped perfectly out from underneath your hat - the way you always complained about, because it had gotten so long. You seemed so happy to see me, because it had been 3 weeks before that since we'd spoken or seen each other. You never mentioned that you were considering quitting. You never mentioned you were already down to part-time. You never mentioned that the single most important person in my life was slipping further and further away from me, while I had no idea. You never mentioned I would never see you again.
They say some things are better left unsaid, right? Would it have been better if I had never said I love you? Would we be any closer or any more distant than we are now, if I had never written that confession and forced myself to let you read it? If I had never boughten you anything for Christmas, if I had never told you I love you, if I had never let myself fall so deeply for you, would I be any better off now? Would you? Was there any point to what we had? So many questions...and no answers. I've been told I need to let go...well, yeah, I guess I do. I've been told I need to get over you, and move on...well, yeah, I guess I should do that, too. But it's easier said than done.
Do you even think about me anymore? Have I even so much as crossed your mind at all within the past few months? And if I did, what stopped you from calling me? Well, this is my weak attempt to "get it all out" so to speak. This is me releasing you from my veins, and trying to rid myself of the poison I've somehow managed to create.
I know you're the kind of person I'll never forget. And maybe part of me will never really get over you...You'll always be the one that got away. I guess the Big Guy up there had some point to the time he gave us...I guess He also had some point in taking you out of my life as quickly and surprisingly as He brought you into it.
So I guess that's all. I have to get comfortable on my own...I have to get used to not having you here, and being ok with it. I have to let you go, as badly as it hurts, and with all the faded memories that seem so long ago. It was only a year and a half. 18 months. Maybe not even. Just know that the time I had with you was the best year and a half I have ever had, depsite the drama, and all the bullshit we went through. You meant more to me than anybody else I've ever met, and part of me will always love you, no matter what. I'll never forget you...But maybe eventually I'll learn to completely let you go. For now, this is me trying to keep the good memories and forget the bad; trying to let you go, and keep the parts of you that made me a better person; and trying to be ok with the fact that you're happy without me.
I love you. I miss you. I'm done.