(no subject)
I was so incredibly happy. I miss that.
And yes, I know that I really wasn't. That things weren't perfect.That there were problems. That I ended up crying more than I should have.
But they weren't real problems. They were little things. Things that I could fix. Not like this.
But still, I was happy.
And, yes, I know that I will be happy again. That this isn't the end of the world.
But I really loved what I had before. All of it.
And it's gone. Everything was really great, and it's gone.
And for what?
Something I didn't mean, had no control over, and that everyone knows I feel horrible about and would take back if I could.
But, contrary to popular belief, that is not why I am still upset.
I'm not still crying over the loss of a friend, or a boyfriend, or a family.
Although I do miss them all, terribly.
The thing that I cannot live with is the guilt.
I am crushed under the weight of my own actions, and I cannot come to terms with it.
I hurt people that I loved.
I honestly would have done anything for any one of them.
And somehow, all of this is my fault.
And I really just can't live with myself anymore.
I don't feel any better than I did the day after this happened.
If anything, I just feel less hopeful.
It seems unlikely that I'll ever get any answers for this.
I am so sorry.
I couldn't even begin to describe how desperately sorry I am.
Please let something show up on my EEG.
Everything will still hurt, but at least I won't hate myself anymore.
And yes, I know that I really wasn't. That things weren't perfect.That there were problems. That I ended up crying more than I should have.
But they weren't real problems. They were little things. Things that I could fix. Not like this.
But still, I was happy.
And, yes, I know that I will be happy again. That this isn't the end of the world.
But I really loved what I had before. All of it.
And it's gone. Everything was really great, and it's gone.
And for what?
Something I didn't mean, had no control over, and that everyone knows I feel horrible about and would take back if I could.
But, contrary to popular belief, that is not why I am still upset.
I'm not still crying over the loss of a friend, or a boyfriend, or a family.
Although I do miss them all, terribly.
The thing that I cannot live with is the guilt.
I am crushed under the weight of my own actions, and I cannot come to terms with it.
I hurt people that I loved.
I honestly would have done anything for any one of them.
And somehow, all of this is my fault.
And I really just can't live with myself anymore.
I don't feel any better than I did the day after this happened.
If anything, I just feel less hopeful.
It seems unlikely that I'll ever get any answers for this.
I am so sorry.
I couldn't even begin to describe how desperately sorry I am.
Please let something show up on my EEG.
Everything will still hurt, but at least I won't hate myself anymore.