(no subject)
Today I had two really scary full-blown panic attacks. I think I had one yesterday, too.
I don't feel any better than I did a week ago. If anything I feel worse. And confused. And I am physically unable to think of anything else. I can't stop crying all of the time. I am going crazy. I hate this.
I ruined absolutely everything, forever. And it is entirely my fault. On top of which I cannot remember what happened. I hurt people. If there is one thing that can be said about me, it is that I generally go to great lengths not to hurt people. And not only that, but people who were wonderful to me. People I care a lot about.
I don't know if anyone would understand praying for a brain tumor so that they have some real reason for what went wrong, but that is almost what I feel like I am doing. Hopefully someone will take a look at my MRI tomorrow and say "Oh my God, of course you acted that way. You need serious help, but I think we can fix you." Because otherwise I will never know what made me act like that.
Can't you understand that this is really scary for me? I was having a great time. Everything was wonderful. And then I wake up in the morning and am told that I was violent. I bit people, I slapped people. I tried to run away. I was manipulative. I was mean. I was hurtful and vindictive. I was paranoid and hysteric. I told my mother I was suicidal. I ruined my relationship to people that I truly care about. People that I love.
And now I am left to deal with this. The idea that there may be something in me that caused all of this to happen. The idea that perhaps (and ironically, hopefully), there is something wrong with my brain. Maybe I had a temporal lobe seizure. Maybe I have a tumor. If someone drugged me, the only way to have ever known that would have been for me to have been taken immediately to a hospital. I will never know that. And it is a difficult option for me to consider. It seems too unlikely to offer any peace of mind. And it will never be accepted by the people who matter, anyway. The people to whom I owe an explanation.
Supposedly, if I have a brain tumor, everything will be forgiven. People will be sorry that they refused to talk to me during this period of time, but I will understand, I hurt them very deeply. And they will understand, I didn't mean to hurt them at all, it was that pesky brain tumor. Imagine your life if this were the situation that you are hoping for.
But would it all really go away, even then? The things that I said (which are so harmful, I am not even allowed to know what they are) will still have been said, and they will still have hurt. Even if I didn't mean them. Even if it wasn't really me. (Which, to be honest, is the situation we encounter anyway, as I had no control over my actions, and anyone who knows me would know that I would never mean to say anything remotely hurtful to them.) But everyone will still be stuck with the haunting image of the way that I acted, even if it’s not my fault.
And the fact that they left will still be there. When I didn't know what was wrong with me. When I had nightmares every night. When I was racked with guilt over something I couldn't control and just wish I could take back. When I went to the doctor and the psychiatrist and the psychologist and then again to them all a second time and then to the neurologist, each time terrified of what I was going to hear - not sure what could be worse: an explanation or a lack of one. When I had panic attacks almost daily and couldn't stop thinking about this, no matter how much I tried. That will always be there. When they said that they loved me, did it mean anything? Did it just mean, during the good times, when I know exactly what's going on, and nothing bad or hurtful has transpired that can't be explained? Or I am not giving anyone enough credit? I'm trying. I know you are hurting, and I would do anything to take it back. I promise I have never felt worse than this in my entire life, and I didn’t mean any of it. But I am scared too. And I need someone. I have people, lots of people willing to help me through this, but I would have thought you would have wanted one of them to be you.
Or just wait for the brain tumor.
I'm sitting here, in the dark, crying, and praying for it.
What a strange turn of events
I’m sorry that this sounded harsh. I didn’t mean for it to. I didn’t even mean for it to be directed at anyone. I am sorry. For everything.