I don't think it's news to anyone that I'm an up and down person. I have mood swings, and until recently I have always gone with the flow. Back in February the anger end of those issues started to hinder relationships, so I tried to locate causes and tracking on a calendar, and lo and behold they were cyclical, like another cycle I have, go fig
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I know someone who calibrates his antidepressant according to how much existential angst he feels--if he's paralysed by his own mortality, he's underdosed, but if he doesn't lie awake for a few minutes before being able to fall asleep feeling overwhelmed by how small he is in the grand scheme of things, he needs to cut back a little.
Seriously. This was his therapist's advice after several years of being unable to calibrate a good dose by standard measures.
Anyway, I meant what I said. Love ya, man.
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I just. Man, I think about it all, and I think I'm being thorough, and now maybe I actually mistake thoroughness for too much, and now that I've thought about it this much then I've overthought my overthinkiness.
Clearly this is a problem that must be solved with cake.
I MAKE A GREAT IMAGINARY FRIEND.
THOUGH SOMETIMES I MAKE A GOO CORPOREAL FRIEND BECAUSE I DO COOK A MEAN SPICY FISH.
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I have no urge to ever have a partner ever again, but IN TEN YEARS IF WE DO NOT HAVE SOMEONE WE SHOULD TOTES BECOME HETERO LIFE PARTNERS AND MOVE IN TOGETHER SO THAT WE CAN EAT ICE CREAM AND FISH AND SCOFF AT MEN AND CHANGE THE LITTER BOXES.
I wish I could say that it gets better, because I think everyone is different. I think it's best to say that it mutates. Yeah, your focus mutates.
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I'd just like it if I felt less like a horrible murderer all the time. That would be nice.
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And in my heart of hearts I was like, "well, maaaaaybe."
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I can't tell if I need a therapist or a dominatrix, honestly.
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I wouldn't survive in jail! I can't be anyone's prag!
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Oh, what a sense of humour the universe has.
And yeah, the toll it took on me to live like that? Pretty bad. But it took years for me to come to the end of myself and be like, fuck it, I deserve better than this.
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For serious. And maybe talking to someone. That was what I needed, because DAYUM, I HAVE THINGS TO SAY.
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