i shall sit here in a corner and cry hey-ho for a bagel.
1. I know how much you all like to make fun of me, so let me tell you a story called, "Amand-r and the Smoke Detector That Won't Stop Fucking Beeping."
That's pretty much the story. Like if I had told that story in twitter, it'd be under 140 characters. Like, is there a genre for when the title pretty much tells the whole story? That thing. No, see the funny comes from the fact that I have about a bullion smoke detectors in my home, something about when you rent they have to abide by the law, whereas people who own their own homes treat the law more like guidelines. Piratey. You know. So I have like, okay, maybe eight of them.
The problem stems from the fact that ONE of them will not stop beeping and I cannot tell by listening which one it is. I thought I had narrowed it down today and changed the battery, only five minutes later:
BEEP.
SONOFABITCH.
So it's no surprise to any of you that I fail at all things logical and math oriented. I keep thinking to myself, "There has to be a systematic way to tell which one it is, sans standing under it until it beeps. What if it never beeps? I'll be there all day." I'm like, "Well, you can remove the batteries from them one at a time and then wait to hear a noise," and I'm not even sure that would work because of the whole "randomly beeping nature" of the alarm. I don't even KNOW why I put that in quotes.
Like really, I thought to myself, "Self, here's what you should do. Open Excel, make a spreadsheet with all the possible combinations of batteries in-batteries out."
Me: Self, I don't know how to make an excel spreadsheet.
Self: Sure you do. Open it and-oh wait, this is the program with the formulas and boxes, right?
Me: Yup.
Self: Abort! Abort! Wait, what's that thing here the sideways EZ thing?
Mystery Smoke Detector: BEEP.
Me: I dunno. Epsilon? I dunno, man.
Self: Man, we're stupid.
Me: We should just change ALL the batteries.
Self: Hrm, needlessly expensive, requires a trip out in the car...I like it! This is the kind of plan that says, "Amand-r is a dumbass! Cut the baby in half!"
Me: well, I do have a reputation for jackassery to uphold.
Mystery Smoke Detector: Come and get me if you can!
Self: (pointing in the general direction of all the smoke detectors, so basically waving my hand around like a crazy person) QUIET YOU. YOUR DAY WILL COME.
2. I was in the Rite-Aid buying kitty litter the other day when I stumbled upon all the Valentine's Day stuff, and I immediately did my rendition of, "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEAR" because now is when you can get CONVERSATION HEARTS. Not the new ass ones with the fruit flavors and shit, but the OLD SCHOOL, DUSTY, HARD AS SHIT ONES THAT TASTE LIKE PEPTO AND NECCO WAFERS. YEAH BABY.
SO ANYWAY, ASIDE FROM THE COLOSSIAL DISAPPOINTMENT OF DISCOVERING THAT THEY WERE FRUIT-FLAVOURED (I ATE THEM ALL ANYWAY AND WEPT BITTER TEARS), I was thinking that in December I did a similar song and dance re: egg nog. This made me stop to consider if I could possibly parcel out my whole year as "MOST WONDERFUL TIMES OF THE YEAR" ACCORDING TO SEASONAL FOODS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR ME. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.
January-February CONVERSATION HEARTS
February-March SHAMROCK SHAKES
March-April MARSHMALLOW PEEPS/CADBURY EGGS
…..
June-August RIB FESTIVALS. POSSIBLY FUNNELCAKE SEASON. STREET FOOD. ANY KIND OF SUMMER STREET FOOD.
July-August WATERMELON
September-October HALLOWEEN CANDY. I know you're saying that this is available year round, but no no no, that's REGULAR CANDY. HALLOWEEN CANDY HAS PICTURES OF SPOOKY CATS AND PUMPINS ON THE WRAPPERS. JESUS.
…
December EGG NOG.AND CANDY CANES
So I told this whole thing to mom, who sounded a little enthused about my discovery, and who pointed out funnel cakes, but she also suggested that Reese's makes a peanut butter cup thing shaped like various seasonal objects for like, every holiday now. I remember when they just sold the eggs at Easter, and that was it, and that's the key here: now that I can get them year round, they are no longer something I really care for. IN ORDER FOR SOMETHING TO MAKE IT THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, IT HAS TO BE SEASONAL, SO THAT WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED YOU GO, "OH MY GOD YES IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN" AND GORGE YOURSELF ON THEM LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET ANY BEFORE THEY GO AWAY.
INCIDENTALLY I AM REMINDED THAT MY CAT THREW UP IN THE CAT FOOD BOWL TODAY, AND I WONDER IF HE JUST WAS IN SUCH A HURRY TO EAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE THAT HE GORGED HIMSELF, GOT SICK WILE STILL EATING, AND BOOTED RIGHT WHERE HE WAS.
ANYWAY, MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. THERE HAS TO BE A SHANGRI-LA OR BRIGADOON JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT ROBBIE BURNS DAY AND HAGGIS.
3. After a few days of pretty much having a tenuous grasp on reality, I have decided that there are many forms of defined hallucinations: auditory, aural…uhm, other kinds. But they don't really have a word for the point where you think of shit and say, "Man, that's a great idea," and you write it down for later, and then when you're feeling better you go over the ramblings of your crack-addled mind and think, "What the hell was wrong with me?" I have decided to call these "conceptual hallucinations."
4. I love writing these things so much. Writing about this and the thing about the Snuggie from December makes me wish that I could make them cohesive enough to make into a book.
5. So We held gold dust in our hands was nommed in the kink category over that the forbidden awards, and I'm of two minds. One, I want to win because hey! Yay! BUT, and this is a big but because I like big buts and I cannot lie, there are at least three other stories that I think are kinkier than mine, in the good way. Trixie, Wynkat and Frostie all have stellar stories nommed in there, and I feel. Hrm.
NOM NOM NOM NOM. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU SEE "NOMMED" YOU MAKE THAT NOISE. OMG SOMEONE CONJUGATE NOM.
That's pretty much the story. Like if I had told that story in twitter, it'd be under 140 characters. Like, is there a genre for when the title pretty much tells the whole story? That thing. No, see the funny comes from the fact that I have about a bullion smoke detectors in my home, something about when you rent they have to abide by the law, whereas people who own their own homes treat the law more like guidelines. Piratey. You know. So I have like, okay, maybe eight of them.
The problem stems from the fact that ONE of them will not stop beeping and I cannot tell by listening which one it is. I thought I had narrowed it down today and changed the battery, only five minutes later:
BEEP.
SONOFABITCH.
So it's no surprise to any of you that I fail at all things logical and math oriented. I keep thinking to myself, "There has to be a systematic way to tell which one it is, sans standing under it until it beeps. What if it never beeps? I'll be there all day." I'm like, "Well, you can remove the batteries from them one at a time and then wait to hear a noise," and I'm not even sure that would work because of the whole "randomly beeping nature" of the alarm. I don't even KNOW why I put that in quotes.
Like really, I thought to myself, "Self, here's what you should do. Open Excel, make a spreadsheet with all the possible combinations of batteries in-batteries out."
Me: Self, I don't know how to make an excel spreadsheet.
Self: Sure you do. Open it and-oh wait, this is the program with the formulas and boxes, right?
Me: Yup.
Self: Abort! Abort! Wait, what's that thing here the sideways EZ thing?
Mystery Smoke Detector: BEEP.
Me: I dunno. Epsilon? I dunno, man.
Self: Man, we're stupid.
Me: We should just change ALL the batteries.
Self: Hrm, needlessly expensive, requires a trip out in the car...I like it! This is the kind of plan that says, "Amand-r is a dumbass! Cut the baby in half!"
Me: well, I do have a reputation for jackassery to uphold.
Mystery Smoke Detector: Come and get me if you can!
Self: (pointing in the general direction of all the smoke detectors, so basically waving my hand around like a crazy person) QUIET YOU. YOUR DAY WILL COME.
2. I was in the Rite-Aid buying kitty litter the other day when I stumbled upon all the Valentine's Day stuff, and I immediately did my rendition of, "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEAR" because now is when you can get CONVERSATION HEARTS. Not the new ass ones with the fruit flavors and shit, but the OLD SCHOOL, DUSTY, HARD AS SHIT ONES THAT TASTE LIKE PEPTO AND NECCO WAFERS. YEAH BABY.
SO ANYWAY, ASIDE FROM THE COLOSSIAL DISAPPOINTMENT OF DISCOVERING THAT THEY WERE FRUIT-FLAVOURED (I ATE THEM ALL ANYWAY AND WEPT BITTER TEARS), I was thinking that in December I did a similar song and dance re: egg nog. This made me stop to consider if I could possibly parcel out my whole year as "MOST WONDERFUL TIMES OF THE YEAR" ACCORDING TO SEASONAL FOODS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR ME. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.
January-February CONVERSATION HEARTS
February-March SHAMROCK SHAKES
March-April MARSHMALLOW PEEPS/CADBURY EGGS
…..
June-August RIB FESTIVALS. POSSIBLY FUNNELCAKE SEASON. STREET FOOD. ANY KIND OF SUMMER STREET FOOD.
July-August WATERMELON
September-October HALLOWEEN CANDY. I know you're saying that this is available year round, but no no no, that's REGULAR CANDY. HALLOWEEN CANDY HAS PICTURES OF SPOOKY CATS AND PUMPINS ON THE WRAPPERS. JESUS.
…
December EGG NOG.AND CANDY CANES
So I told this whole thing to mom, who sounded a little enthused about my discovery, and who pointed out funnel cakes, but she also suggested that Reese's makes a peanut butter cup thing shaped like various seasonal objects for like, every holiday now. I remember when they just sold the eggs at Easter, and that was it, and that's the key here: now that I can get them year round, they are no longer something I really care for. IN ORDER FOR SOMETHING TO MAKE IT THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, IT HAS TO BE SEASONAL, SO THAT WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED YOU GO, "OH MY GOD YES IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN" AND GORGE YOURSELF ON THEM LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET ANY BEFORE THEY GO AWAY.
INCIDENTALLY I AM REMINDED THAT MY CAT THREW UP IN THE CAT FOOD BOWL TODAY, AND I WONDER IF HE JUST WAS IN SUCH A HURRY TO EAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE THAT HE GORGED HIMSELF, GOT SICK WILE STILL EATING, AND BOOTED RIGHT WHERE HE WAS.
ANYWAY, MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. THERE HAS TO BE A SHANGRI-LA OR BRIGADOON JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT ROBBIE BURNS DAY AND HAGGIS.
3. After a few days of pretty much having a tenuous grasp on reality, I have decided that there are many forms of defined hallucinations: auditory, aural…uhm, other kinds. But they don't really have a word for the point where you think of shit and say, "Man, that's a great idea," and you write it down for later, and then when you're feeling better you go over the ramblings of your crack-addled mind and think, "What the hell was wrong with me?" I have decided to call these "conceptual hallucinations."
4. I love writing these things so much. Writing about this and the thing about the Snuggie from December makes me wish that I could make them cohesive enough to make into a book.
5. So We held gold dust in our hands was nommed in the kink category over that the forbidden awards, and I'm of two minds. One, I want to win because hey! Yay! BUT, and this is a big but because I like big buts and I cannot lie, there are at least three other stories that I think are kinkier than mine, in the good way. Trixie, Wynkat and Frostie all have stellar stories nommed in there, and I feel. Hrm.
NOM NOM NOM NOM. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU SEE "NOMMED" YOU MAKE THAT NOISE. OMG SOMEONE CONJUGATE NOM.