Synapses they happen too infrequently for me
I accept that death is a natural part of life. Death happens and that’s all there is to it. But it’s not. There’s a whole aspect of grieving that I over-looked. That for every life that ends, there was someone connected to that life and someone that hurts because it ended.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand it. Today, I saw pure grief and sorrow and it made me nauseous to know that there was all this pain behind a natural act. For as much as it hurts and for as much as it sucks, I can see that it won’t be easier for a long time.
I’m trying to not let things bother me as much, not to get too agitated too quickly. It’s working well enough. It’s a lot better. Lately, I’ve been thinking about a couple of people that I miss, and it’s weird. I keep wondering what I did wrong, part of it’s just bad luck that follows me around and I believe that to the fullest, because if it weren’t true it wouldn’t be repeated history. It’s not the blame phase anymore, I’m past all that. I’m pretty much to myself again and it’s easier sometimes. Someone said that fun and friends are a big part of life and help keep you sane. And maybe that’s true for him, he needs his friends and that’s okay, but I just feel like I’ve been loved and lost so much that it’s easier to be alone. I don’t mind my own company, it’s simple. If I want to go out, I go out, no one else has to be there. I was house-sitting for a few days last week and had a entire house to myself, it was great. Now, not to say I want to be alone forever, but being independent has a lot of great advantages and a lot less letdowns. And it was feeling letdown that screwed everything up. Yeah, part of that was my own fault, but it just seems like everyone moves at different paces and people get lost. It happens and it’s dealt with.
It’s kind of funny and partially frustrating explaining why I only have a few friends.
I’m in the process of working things out and it’s going okay. If I just write more and if I just tell someone when something is wrong, it’ll help. I just want that to be enough. I just want to feel like enough. My life is progressing a lot slower than I’d like it too and I’m trying not to let that bother me as much anymore. I’m trying to take everything as is. “This is how it is, and you’re moving slowly but it’s better that than nothing.” I’ve pretty much figured out by now that I barely ever get lucky so the one thing I did get lucky at is pretty much what keeps me going. Whatever happens, happens.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand it. Today, I saw pure grief and sorrow and it made me nauseous to know that there was all this pain behind a natural act. For as much as it hurts and for as much as it sucks, I can see that it won’t be easier for a long time.
I’m trying to not let things bother me as much, not to get too agitated too quickly. It’s working well enough. It’s a lot better. Lately, I’ve been thinking about a couple of people that I miss, and it’s weird. I keep wondering what I did wrong, part of it’s just bad luck that follows me around and I believe that to the fullest, because if it weren’t true it wouldn’t be repeated history. It’s not the blame phase anymore, I’m past all that. I’m pretty much to myself again and it’s easier sometimes. Someone said that fun and friends are a big part of life and help keep you sane. And maybe that’s true for him, he needs his friends and that’s okay, but I just feel like I’ve been loved and lost so much that it’s easier to be alone. I don’t mind my own company, it’s simple. If I want to go out, I go out, no one else has to be there. I was house-sitting for a few days last week and had a entire house to myself, it was great. Now, not to say I want to be alone forever, but being independent has a lot of great advantages and a lot less letdowns. And it was feeling letdown that screwed everything up. Yeah, part of that was my own fault, but it just seems like everyone moves at different paces and people get lost. It happens and it’s dealt with.
It’s kind of funny and partially frustrating explaining why I only have a few friends.
I’m in the process of working things out and it’s going okay. If I just write more and if I just tell someone when something is wrong, it’ll help. I just want that to be enough. I just want to feel like enough. My life is progressing a lot slower than I’d like it too and I’m trying not to let that bother me as much anymore. I’m trying to take everything as is. “This is how it is, and you’re moving slowly but it’s better that than nothing.” I’ve pretty much figured out by now that I barely ever get lucky so the one thing I did get lucky at is pretty much what keeps me going. Whatever happens, happens.