Letter #1
Dear Gandy,
What's the best way to go about wooing a widowed single mother? How do you seem genuine and not look like you're only doing it to move in on her husband's territory, even if you blatantly are? What's the best way to handle the kid if he turns out to be one of these infuriatingly loyal types?
All the best,
Loveless in Andúnië
~*~*~*~
Dear Loveless,
I hope my response finds you whale well on the bottom of the ocean. How is Andúnië this tide time of year? You mortals are nothing if not adaptable!
Now to your problem. First of all, an unshellfish suitor will wait no less than 30 years (or in horny Númenórean time, 12 minutes) before seeking a widow's hand. That may seem an eternity to you, but let's face facts--a moping woman will have far more trouble seeing to your every need, and is bound to be terrible in the sack.
As to your second question, I have a sinking feeling you'd like me to tell you to lie. My dear friend, duplicity is never the answer. Why not take up self-improvement rather than drown yourself in a maelstrom of deception? Perhaps then you wouldn't feel so much like a replacement. Take some lessons in porpoise and presence. Growing facial hair and getting a rhinal implant might not go amiss, either.
The child is the trickiest part, as you well know. Naturally he'll be uncomfortable with what he feels is encroachment upon his father's territory, and will be quick to see you as an anemone enemy. I advise patience, patience, and more patience. Give him plenty of time to adjust. Preferably at boarding school. If you ship him off to boarding school, you're bound to get at least a decade of high-quality boots-knocking in before the little urchin's old enough to return with an armada of his own and kick your sorry usurping ass.
Best of luck to you, Loveless, and I hope all your plans go swimmingly.
Deeply,
Gandy
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Confidential to Frustrated: I'm sorry to hear about your familial and financial difficulties. Just buy yourself some lube, already. And you still owe me thirty-seven dollars.
Boggling questions? Life dilemmas? Flames? Readers can write to Gandy c/o his mun.