(no subject)

[amalyna]

So a while ago I decided to add a bunch of tracks to my MP3 player, and I randomly decided to add the Smashing Pumpkins albums I used to have. I hadn't heard them in probably almost 15 years. I started listening... and I'm being thrown full-force into that Spring of '94. The Nexuus, the time I will never forget. Yesterdays. That poem so well captures the feeling of loss that swallowed me whole when those days slipped away. I still wonder sometimes if it could have all been a dream. Can life be that unbearably good? No, and that is why it is the Nexuus. It was like living in a dream, and waking from that dream was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I guess I thought I was over it, I haven't thought about it for so long. Truly I don't even remember the last time I was able to acknowledge it enough for the pain to return. Maybe it's true that nothing stops hurting, it just stops hurting as often. I think it was Dallas playing Vancouver in the play-offs that set it off - the last time that happened was, you guessed it, Spring of 1994. And then, listening to these albums, it all came flooding back. I know I will never forget... and I don't want to. As much as it hurts, it was a time I knew even then to treasure, and the utter joy of those days is something I will forever hold dear - in my mind, and in my heart.

"I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go, it's how you feel for a moment in your life. And if you find that moment, it lasts forever."
- The Beach

"Don't get me wrong; I'm happy now.
But I know that there's no way
I'll ever forget the times I spent
In those joyful yesterdays."
- me, from 'Yesterdays' (1995)