(no subject)
BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG day.......that's what it was supposed to be - the biggest day of my 'professional life' till date. It was a big day too. After all, uthpage CampusNetwork was launched today. I am officially an editor now, and it all seems like a dream.
But it is like it always is - happiness comes in the wake of some really bad thing, and bad things follow the good.
The pre-good bad thing was that I tried to show my best friend how much his friendship means to me (he hates words, or maybe that is because they come from me..), and he responded with a warning and a very polite yet firm reminder that I am only his teammate (not the exact words, but that is what it meant). My fault really, for believing that we are 'friends'. He did tell me right in the very beginning that he does not make friends so easily. I thought that after all this time we are friends, but I forgot to take my own 'weirdness' into consideration. Ok....I did think of it every time I felt low, but then I thought that maybe he will not really dislike me for that since he is such a nice person. He IS a nice person, very nice actually, but then I guess I am bad beyond bearing. Sometimes it seems like he does care, but then we are 'looking out for each other and watching each other's back'. And maybe he is just trying to help me, as a teammate, or as the great human being he is. I am so confused!!!! Anyway, about liking him....do I or do I not? Even I don't know. I guess I do, but it is nothing like a crush or as a 'guy'. Sure he is a smart and good-looking guy, but there is so much more to him. It would be an insult to just have a crush on him or 'like' him. Warning signals I can still live with (though to be honest they scare, annoy, and hurt a lot). His hatred I can understand, but not being his friend I don't like at all.
So anyway, coming back to the big day. He was glaring at me. I smiled and smiled but he just glared at me. As if my very existence annoys him. If I could, I would not exist, but since I already do, I cannot do anything about it, except just staying out of sight, which is impossible since we work together, and he so needs a PA.
Ignore the EDC girls - editors should be used to and immune to abuse.
Then the movie thing. They just didn't want me tagging along. Nowadays I just feel like no one really wants me to be there. Maybe it is my brain being hyperactive, or my intuition telling me to be alert. God knows.
Caesar was great today....sniffling at the bathroom door for five minutes so I would let him in, the hugs, the licks, the warmth. Is it any wonder that losing Prince broke my heart? These li'l guys are just awesome! They don't mind if I am fat or not (fatter the better in fact, more cushiony for them), whether I wear specs or not, branded clothes or normal stuff.. They love me without make up, don't mind if my English accent is totally off, and Caesar loves pulling my long hair. Just that these darn fellows live for too short a time.
Talking to Gesu was weird. I was crying like....just crying. Maybe because of Naani and her emotional blackmail. I know there is very little time, but my grandparents never really cared for me. I am a girl. I am doing BA, not BCom or BSc or whatever. When mum was ill they never tried to help us. Now suddenly they want me to go live with them, love them like ...I don't know. Hard to love people just because we are related. Hard not to love people because we are not related.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone." Not true. I was happy. Does anyone care? Just that msg from Jaspreet Ma'am. Otherwise no one cares. The person I call my best friend hates me. Others .....some of them are my friends, and I do care about them, but even they all together cannot replace that one person. And there was no one to talk to. Preet saved my sanity today, as did Zynga...another dog!! It is at times like these that I really feel what a loser I am. Pathetically staring blankly at the computer when others are out celebrating, no one to talk to, no one who would be happy for me. Not more than 5-6 people either who would at least fake being happy for me.
I feel so alone sometimes that I wish I could die. Doesn't happen. Wonder how much longer God plans to torture people by keeping me alive?
p.s. how am I so horrible that even a nice person like my 'best friend' hates me so much? Poor guy has to keep warning me off.....so disgusted he is at the thought of me liking him. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy, even if it means getting out of his life and staying away forever. I just wish I knew for sure what he wants.