almost berfday
So today is my last day of being 25. On one hand, I've been mentally referring to myself as 26 for a few weeks now, so getting confused is not a problem, but on the other hand it still feels weird. Getting older is not exciting anymore, lol.
Objectively I guess things are going pretty well. I have a job with salary and benefits now (though I'm still on my probationary period), and my old side job is still bringing in a decent amount of cash, I have a decent place to live, can afford to buy good food, the odd bottle of wine, and I've gotten good enough at cooking that it's better and faster than eating out most of the time. I live in a foreign country and speak two languages competently and can make basic conversation in a third. It looks like I'll be able to travel and go to GACKT concerts this year (assuming he ever announces any). I live with a roommate and a fat bastard cat and it's pretty cool.
no i am fat bastard cat do not love meee
And while this doesn't completely shut up that little nagging voice telling me "god, you NEVER do ANYTHING useful", it's getting a little easier to tell it to go fuck itself. Well, the escitalopram helps too...
That said, birthdays, as arbitrary as they are, do tend to make you think about your life. And, well, my life is OK. I'm fairly priveliged and have a lot to be grateful for, but there's more to life than food and shelter and the odd concert, right...?
The problem is I don't really have any dreams. When I was a kid, I sometimes had an answer to "What do you want to do when you grow up?", but I never really thought about it unless I was asked. I barely thought about the future at all. I never did anything like play doctor or work hard to be the best at something or draw my wedding dress or decide how many kids I was going to have. Then I spent a lot of my teens in a horrible black hole of "maybe if I'm lucky I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow". For a few years in college, I did have goals. Visit Japan, see GACKT, move to Japan, learn Japanese.
And then I did all that* and now I'm back to square one.
What now?
I really don't have any pull to any specific thing. I'd vaguely like to travel more, but there's nowhere I "have" to go. I sort of want to learn piano again? I feel like I should probably do some volunteering or charity work, but that's out of a sense of guilt more than anything. The clock is ticking on marriage and kids and I still change my mind from day to day if I even want that...
I don't really have any kind of conclusion to write here. I guess what I'm hoping for this year is some clarity.
(*okay technically I do have one dream left and it's meeting GACKT but there's not really any way to "work on" that goal that isn't stalking, SO...)