fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Remember how I said it was hard to be mad at the universe when you're disgustingly happy?
Well... the person who makes me all glowy is 800 miles away, and I'm fucking mad at the universe.
I was so optimistic about moving back here. It was a VERY hard decision but I was, in the end, SO sure about it. And I was determined to be pleasant and cautious and diplomatic.
So WHY does life have to put such a huge challenge in front of me right at this time, and make it so that I have barely made it through five days before feeling like I have totally made the wrong decision. Can I just rewind a few weeks and pretend I was never here?
My mom thinks I have always hated her. She thinks I have always thought she is a bad mother. She thinks I have told my friends she is a bad mother. She thinks I tell my friends about our arguments so that they will think badly of her and/or have things to use against her. She thinks I should regret ever moving to MN. She thinks I am (either purposefully or subconsciously) latching onto Leah because I didn't really want to move back here.
WHY can I not just deal with the stress of figuring out our relationship (Leah's and mine)? WHY does there have to be the extra stress of having it thrown in my face, once again, that my mom and I can barely communicate about anything important, and see the world in entirely different ways?
I'm starting to get that disassociated feeling again. This can't be really happening to me, it's just a movie I'm watching from inside my head.
And I hate all of this because FUCK this is not me. I want to revel in the unexpectedness of life, not question it. I want to reach out and grab, not take the easy way.
Well... the person who makes me all glowy is 800 miles away, and I'm fucking mad at the universe.
I was so optimistic about moving back here. It was a VERY hard decision but I was, in the end, SO sure about it. And I was determined to be pleasant and cautious and diplomatic.
So WHY does life have to put such a huge challenge in front of me right at this time, and make it so that I have barely made it through five days before feeling like I have totally made the wrong decision. Can I just rewind a few weeks and pretend I was never here?
My mom thinks I have always hated her. She thinks I have always thought she is a bad mother. She thinks I have told my friends she is a bad mother. She thinks I tell my friends about our arguments so that they will think badly of her and/or have things to use against her. She thinks I should regret ever moving to MN. She thinks I am (either purposefully or subconsciously) latching onto Leah because I didn't really want to move back here.
WHY can I not just deal with the stress of figuring out our relationship (Leah's and mine)? WHY does there have to be the extra stress of having it thrown in my face, once again, that my mom and I can barely communicate about anything important, and see the world in entirely different ways?
I'm starting to get that disassociated feeling again. This can't be really happening to me, it's just a movie I'm watching from inside my head.
And I hate all of this because FUCK this is not me. I want to revel in the unexpectedness of life, not question it. I want to reach out and grab, not take the easy way.