(Untitled)

[amadeus_amadeus]

mememe
sleep every other day
every 35 hour red eyes, face looks like puffins, feel like 100% grime, cant think properly. paranoid ideas about evreythgin.
i feel like there's a phantom string hanging around my neck
what is it time to do? seriously? so many useless feelings and just a self perpetuating cycle of lethargy i thought could stay on hiatus a

Comments

[amadeus_amadeus]

yeah sleep is easily my biggest overindulgence-endless-battle. like a solid 12 hours a day if i force myself not to. i used to have marathons, staying in bed for 2 or 3 days and only getting up for bodily functions, eat something just because it would put me back to sleep. i still do 15-17 hours on a pretty frequent basis because i wipe myself out, being afraid to sleep because i know i won't finish something i'm working on unless i stay awake to see it through. a lot of it ties into productivity for me too, but it's rare when i feel like i am actually doing enough of what i want done.

this probably sounds bad, but alcohol has helped me big time with anxiety. i used to freeze up completely and not even be able to talk around more than one person, when i did it was inaudible, and having to repeat myself three times would make me not even want to bother. it's a crutch, but that seems appropriate considering i have been a social cripple most my life. don't drink often anymore but it sunk in that there isn't much to be afraid of as most people's opinions of you don't hold any weight. you don't have to get along with or like everyone, but just learning how to small talk has been soso helpful, finding least common denominators and building off of that. i made a lot of good friends from the internet though, that is less harmful to your liver/brain.

but also i think it is good to criticize yourself harshly, at least with things that can be changed. if you're totally content, what's the point of trying to be a better human being? as long as it does not stop you from doing/making things. i think it is important to have continually higher standards for yourself - forever