(Untitled)

[amadeus_amadeus]

mememe
sleep every other day
every 35 hour red eyes, face looks like puffins, feel like 100% grime, cant think properly. paranoid ideas about evreythgin.
i feel like there's a phantom string hanging around my neck
what is it time to do? seriously? so many useless feelings and just a self perpetuating cycle of lethargy i thought could stay on hiatus a

Comments

[blumelein]

i know what you mean with the sleeping thing. i sleep way too much, sometimes like 11 hours. it makes me feel really annoyed because these are precious hours i could be using to make something, though on the other hand i'm horrible at getting anything done in an even remotely time-effective manner. sleep is good to check the fuck out of this world, and really, with the current conditions, why would you want to be here.

i kinda just wish i could be more normal and more able to get along in the world without all this social difficulty. i have so much anxiety about a good variety of situations that i just avoid avoid avoid. i don't compute well with other human beings, i think, but i also wonder if a lot of my worries about how i'm perceived by others are blown out of proportion falsehoods that are figments of my imagination. why do i always expect the worst of myself and see myself as such a lil shit? it's almost like i define myself more by my weaknesses than my strengths, that i thrive on or continually cultivate this perverse love of self-hate and over-deprecation.

[amadeus_amadeus]

yeah sleep is easily my biggest overindulgence-endless-battle. like a solid 12 hours a day if i force myself not to. i used to have marathons, staying in bed for 2 or 3 days and only getting up for bodily functions, eat something just because it would put me back to sleep. i still do 15-17 hours on a pretty frequent basis because i wipe myself out, being afraid to sleep because i know i won't finish something i'm working on unless i stay awake to see it through. a lot of it ties into productivity for me too, but it's rare when i feel like i am actually doing enough of what i want done.

this probably sounds bad, but alcohol has helped me big time with anxiety. i used to freeze up completely and not even be able to talk around more than one person, when i did it was inaudible, and having to repeat myself three times would make me not even want to bother. it's a crutch, but that seems appropriate considering i have been a social cripple most my life. don't drink often anymore but it sunk in that there isn't much to be afraid of as most people's opinions of you don't hold any weight. you don't have to get along with or like everyone, but just learning how to small talk has been soso helpful, finding least common denominators and building off of that. i made a lot of good friends from the internet though, that is less harmful to your liver/brain.

but also i think it is good to criticize yourself harshly, at least with things that can be changed. if you're totally content, what's the point of trying to be a better human being? as long as it does not stop you from doing/making things. i think it is important to have continually higher standards for yourself - forever