Nothing Left
This hurts. I knew that it would hurt, but I didn't realize that it would hurt this much. 16 years. 16 years I've tortured myself, for letting her walk away without fighting to keep her. And now, to have her back in my life, to know that she loves me, to know that she finds some good and worthy man in me, and all that she asks of me is that I wait, and I can't. Because, to paraphrase the first thing that I ever said to her. "If they'll keep you waiting now, they'll keep you waiting forever."
I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. I feel like the middle of me is gnawing away from the inside, and like all of the powers greater than myself are laughing at my misery. Laughing at my hubris. I dared to lift my head, and presume myself to be worthy of looking up. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of joy. And for one day. One fleeting day, I had more joy than I would ever have thought possible, more evidently than was the measure that I was intended to receive in my life. And then they ripped it away from me. I would do nothing less than give my entire life, every shred of will and love and devotion, committed to her happiness, and it's either an offering not worth taking, or that I'm not worthy to give. I put all of me into making that offer, because I can't love any other way. And there is nothing of me left. Beaten. Broken. Done.
I wasn't worth coming to. I don't understand what I could have done differently. I don't understand why.
I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. I feel like the middle of me is gnawing away from the inside, and like all of the powers greater than myself are laughing at my misery. Laughing at my hubris. I dared to lift my head, and presume myself to be worthy of looking up. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of joy. And for one day. One fleeting day, I had more joy than I would ever have thought possible, more evidently than was the measure that I was intended to receive in my life. And then they ripped it away from me. I would do nothing less than give my entire life, every shred of will and love and devotion, committed to her happiness, and it's either an offering not worth taking, or that I'm not worthy to give. I put all of me into making that offer, because I can't love any other way. And there is nothing of me left. Beaten. Broken. Done.
I wasn't worth coming to. I don't understand what I could have done differently. I don't understand why.