It's been a while.
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
I know, it's sappy, but did anyone really expect anything different of me? The new job has been going swimmingly, for the most part. I'm continuing to battle anxiety without meds, at least until the insurance kicks in on 2/1. It's fascinating, in a way, to think upon just how much my perception of self worth is tied into my ability to succeed at work. I've already been told that I don't need to prove myself. Familiar words. They don't understand that I DO need to prove myself. To myself. To the haunted ghosts of conversations past with my father. To my family, who are depending on me to do better, so that they can do better. This isn't just a job. It's my livelihood.
I spent an hour or so with our engineers soaking up some scripting knowledge earlier this week, and the level of super geek that they live in was just astounding. I ventured an opinion on a "Round the whiteboard" discussion, and felt immediately abashed. I know now how my 10 year old feels when she tries to inject herself into intelligent conversation, and we patronize her. I like to think that I'm brighter than the average bear. Certainly brighter than the average deep south redneck living with his wife/sister in a trailer on cement blocks. But I've never really felt truly dense until this job. My aspirations to work my way up out of this HelpDesk/Tier 2 support career path seem pretty distant now. I don't know. I'm just hoping that the medication helps when I can get it back into my system. It doesn't make me a better person, but it evidently helps me come to the realization that that's okay.
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
I know, it's sappy, but did anyone really expect anything different of me? The new job has been going swimmingly, for the most part. I'm continuing to battle anxiety without meds, at least until the insurance kicks in on 2/1. It's fascinating, in a way, to think upon just how much my perception of self worth is tied into my ability to succeed at work. I've already been told that I don't need to prove myself. Familiar words. They don't understand that I DO need to prove myself. To myself. To the haunted ghosts of conversations past with my father. To my family, who are depending on me to do better, so that they can do better. This isn't just a job. It's my livelihood.
I spent an hour or so with our engineers soaking up some scripting knowledge earlier this week, and the level of super geek that they live in was just astounding. I ventured an opinion on a "Round the whiteboard" discussion, and felt immediately abashed. I know now how my 10 year old feels when she tries to inject herself into intelligent conversation, and we patronize her. I like to think that I'm brighter than the average bear. Certainly brighter than the average deep south redneck living with his wife/sister in a trailer on cement blocks. But I've never really felt truly dense until this job. My aspirations to work my way up out of this HelpDesk/Tier 2 support career path seem pretty distant now. I don't know. I'm just hoping that the medication helps when I can get it back into my system. It doesn't make me a better person, but it evidently helps me come to the realization that that's okay.