I can ride my bike with no handlebars...
I'm trying to find a way to look at things positively right now. None of my family is dead. We're currently not homeless, with utilities. My son held my hand when I walked him in to school this morning, and gave me a hug. He also just brought me a drink, grabbed me by the face, and rubbed noses with me. My littlest girl is now saying "Dabbie, I wub you." Work has been going fairly well. Busy. Busy is good. It's not all silver lining, though.
I bought groceries this evening, knowing that when it was over, and my car payment clears, I'll be close to $400 overdrawn. I had 5 items bounce last month that, thanks to NSF fees and returned check fees, cost me almost $600. Friends have asked me to come over to their places and hang, and some have gotten excuses, when in reality I know how much gas is in my tank, how much I need to get work and back, and what it would cost me in gas to go to their places, and how much I don't have to put back into the tank. The ones that I feel closer to didn't get lies, I just never responded. I'm sorry, Dan. I didn't want to lie and offer you some lame excuse, but I didn't want to burden you down with my own concerns. All of my friends deserve better than that.
I've been unmedicated for at least a month now. It's odd, really. I don't feel buried under a mountain of darkness, although I do feel like I've got alot to worry about. Our entire "stimulus" check is going to be spent toward averting foreclosure. I'm praying that it comes in before the 15th, and that I'll still be able to afford to pay the rest of my bills with what's left.
That brings about another odd development. I've begun praying lately. To what, I don't know, but I've felt a need to have an honest dialogue with someone other than myself, who isn't wrapped up in all of this like I am. I don't know if any good can come of it, but it can't hurt. It's kind of a one sided conversation, but sometimes that's all that we need. When I throw my troubles into the void, the void can't tell me what I already know about what I need to do to fix the problems.
I was talking to a younger kid at work today who loves to ask me what my opinions are on matters of social, political, and spiritual discourse. And, me being me, I can't stop myself from answering his questions. Somehow we had gotten into a conversation about people like the Duggar family, who have more children than they can afford to maintain and rely on the charity of others to take care of them all. At some point I ventured forth the notion that people who can't afford to take care of the children that they have shouldn't be allowed to have more. In retrospect, that was the stupidest goddamned thing that's left my mouth in a long time. I retracted myself later and expressed that the purpose of my previously stated opinion had been to demonstrate that ultimately, we should do away with the social welfare programs in place at present.
This kid, at 25, has 2 children already, and a wife who stays at home. They rent, have 1 car, and previously he's bragged to noone really interested that his finances are well in order. Today he started asking if I had any experience with financial management software, which I laughed at. It's none of his business, but I'm so financially fucked that I just don't think about it much. His wife is pregnant with their 3rd child. I think that he's worried about how he's going to take care of his family, a worry that I share closely. And I ventured to say that anyone who can't afford to take care of their families shouldn't be allowed to have more children. It was insensitive, and unfeeling, and I have no idea what made me say it. Even if I thought it were true (which would make me hypocritical) I shouldn't have told him that. I've had my own children taken from my home because of their living conditions, and technically, under the letter of state law, my oldest daughter is neglected because we haven't bought her glasses to replace the last pair that she broke. I need to start putting careful thought into my responses in the future.
Blargh, enough, I'm tired.
I bought groceries this evening, knowing that when it was over, and my car payment clears, I'll be close to $400 overdrawn. I had 5 items bounce last month that, thanks to NSF fees and returned check fees, cost me almost $600. Friends have asked me to come over to their places and hang, and some have gotten excuses, when in reality I know how much gas is in my tank, how much I need to get work and back, and what it would cost me in gas to go to their places, and how much I don't have to put back into the tank. The ones that I feel closer to didn't get lies, I just never responded. I'm sorry, Dan. I didn't want to lie and offer you some lame excuse, but I didn't want to burden you down with my own concerns. All of my friends deserve better than that.
I've been unmedicated for at least a month now. It's odd, really. I don't feel buried under a mountain of darkness, although I do feel like I've got alot to worry about. Our entire "stimulus" check is going to be spent toward averting foreclosure. I'm praying that it comes in before the 15th, and that I'll still be able to afford to pay the rest of my bills with what's left.
That brings about another odd development. I've begun praying lately. To what, I don't know, but I've felt a need to have an honest dialogue with someone other than myself, who isn't wrapped up in all of this like I am. I don't know if any good can come of it, but it can't hurt. It's kind of a one sided conversation, but sometimes that's all that we need. When I throw my troubles into the void, the void can't tell me what I already know about what I need to do to fix the problems.
I was talking to a younger kid at work today who loves to ask me what my opinions are on matters of social, political, and spiritual discourse. And, me being me, I can't stop myself from answering his questions. Somehow we had gotten into a conversation about people like the Duggar family, who have more children than they can afford to maintain and rely on the charity of others to take care of them all. At some point I ventured forth the notion that people who can't afford to take care of the children that they have shouldn't be allowed to have more. In retrospect, that was the stupidest goddamned thing that's left my mouth in a long time. I retracted myself later and expressed that the purpose of my previously stated opinion had been to demonstrate that ultimately, we should do away with the social welfare programs in place at present.
This kid, at 25, has 2 children already, and a wife who stays at home. They rent, have 1 car, and previously he's bragged to noone really interested that his finances are well in order. Today he started asking if I had any experience with financial management software, which I laughed at. It's none of his business, but I'm so financially fucked that I just don't think about it much. His wife is pregnant with their 3rd child. I think that he's worried about how he's going to take care of his family, a worry that I share closely. And I ventured to say that anyone who can't afford to take care of their families shouldn't be allowed to have more children. It was insensitive, and unfeeling, and I have no idea what made me say it. Even if I thought it were true (which would make me hypocritical) I shouldn't have told him that. I've had my own children taken from my home because of their living conditions, and technically, under the letter of state law, my oldest daughter is neglected because we haven't bought her glasses to replace the last pair that she broke. I need to start putting careful thought into my responses in the future.
Blargh, enough, I'm tired.