(no subject)
Hi ya'll. Haven't posted at all lately because I've been at my bf's almost the whole last two weeks except mon - wed when I have class. He's such a sweetheart, always asking me to go up and I can't say no (my non-ED side won't let me.) A side effect of being there is my adoption of acompletely different mindset. When I'm up north my mentality is pack away as much food as I can, and I'll simply restrict when I get back, and I'll get back to where I was in no time. The problem is I'm hardly back long for my cal restriction diet to take effect. Admittedly it was so bad last time, (10 lb gain in 4 days) that it'd be hard not to lose. Anyhow, I got back this morning and I'll be going again this Thursday (V-day) until Tues morning, since Monday is prez's day.
I forget about ED when I'm with him. All we do is eat and watch TV with the occasional trips out to pickup the stuff for his room remodeling. Forgetting the ED is the closest I have come to real happiness, but the whole time I can't stop nibbling/ munching when I'm watching TV. I suppose it's the typical modern obesity epidemic. We went out grocery shopping and I picked up a bag of chips and a box of ferrero. I opened them both the first night, and must've ate 10 ferreros that first night and did away with 1/4 of the chips. I just can't seem to stop eating... i think I have an oral fixation. Even Mike is amazed with the way I down junkfood.... I need to really buckle down this time and eat in moderation. On a pathetic flashback, I binged on Friday while he was away at work. He lives with his aunt, and they have their groceries as well, even though it's not off limits to us. I discovered my recent fetish for asian bread...omg... ahhh.. it's so frustrating, esp since I use to HATE bread and thought they're the blandest thing in the world, now I can't get enough of the soft fluffiness nor the chewy texture. Long story short, I tried to fast until he gets back, because then at least I'll only be having one meal a day. My fast lasted for approximately 2 hrs, before I went rummaging in the kitchen. I found and orange and ate that, extremely satisfied with myself. 2 hrs later I was digging around in the fridge, and that ended with a lean pocket. Half an hr later I ate a slice of leftover pizza and one wing. By then it was over, all I wanted to do was find all the food I can to stuff my face. I went back to the fridge and polished the only two pork buns in there (aunt's grocery), ate some bread, ate 5 ginger cookies, omg... the list is too ridiculous. I can't believe I binged at his house, esp since that'll very well rouse suspicions with all the food gone. AHHH. I'm so worried now.
To top it off... last week I purged in my dorm room sink. Today when I came back I saw a sticky note on my door that my suitemate left. It says not to dump food in the sink or housekeeping is going to charge us $100 next time they have to unclogg it. 0________0 omg. I have a slight suspicion that my roomate knows I purge. But not having contact with ppl of ED in general, she might not even know what she saw. It wasnt very obvious, she just happend to walk in on me while I was trying to clean up and had... a bit of vomit on my shirt. ugh. It was in the shower too... anyways. I think I'm being hopeful, but who knows.
I'm going to try to be good. I need to lose this weight.
I forget about ED when I'm with him. All we do is eat and watch TV with the occasional trips out to pickup the stuff for his room remodeling. Forgetting the ED is the closest I have come to real happiness, but the whole time I can't stop nibbling/ munching when I'm watching TV. I suppose it's the typical modern obesity epidemic. We went out grocery shopping and I picked up a bag of chips and a box of ferrero. I opened them both the first night, and must've ate 10 ferreros that first night and did away with 1/4 of the chips. I just can't seem to stop eating... i think I have an oral fixation. Even Mike is amazed with the way I down junkfood.... I need to really buckle down this time and eat in moderation. On a pathetic flashback, I binged on Friday while he was away at work. He lives with his aunt, and they have their groceries as well, even though it's not off limits to us. I discovered my recent fetish for asian bread...omg... ahhh.. it's so frustrating, esp since I use to HATE bread and thought they're the blandest thing in the world, now I can't get enough of the soft fluffiness nor the chewy texture. Long story short, I tried to fast until he gets back, because then at least I'll only be having one meal a day. My fast lasted for approximately 2 hrs, before I went rummaging in the kitchen. I found and orange and ate that, extremely satisfied with myself. 2 hrs later I was digging around in the fridge, and that ended with a lean pocket. Half an hr later I ate a slice of leftover pizza and one wing. By then it was over, all I wanted to do was find all the food I can to stuff my face. I went back to the fridge and polished the only two pork buns in there (aunt's grocery), ate some bread, ate 5 ginger cookies, omg... the list is too ridiculous. I can't believe I binged at his house, esp since that'll very well rouse suspicions with all the food gone. AHHH. I'm so worried now.
To top it off... last week I purged in my dorm room sink. Today when I came back I saw a sticky note on my door that my suitemate left. It says not to dump food in the sink or housekeeping is going to charge us $100 next time they have to unclogg it. 0________0 omg. I have a slight suspicion that my roomate knows I purge. But not having contact with ppl of ED in general, she might not even know what she saw. It wasnt very obvious, she just happend to walk in on me while I was trying to clean up and had... a bit of vomit on my shirt. ugh. It was in the shower too... anyways. I think I'm being hopeful, but who knows.
I'm going to try to be good. I need to lose this weight.