a celebration of three years of fucking...
Tipsy again, my new perpetual state of being.
Spent Monday and Tuesday night at my sister's because my bro-in-law went out of town. Fun, yes, but I always get kind of funky when my routine gets messed up. Plus, Sunday night, Uh-oh the dog got out of the basement and chewed up Hunter and Jenna's hamsters, Gary and Carrie. Laura calls me at work all freaked out, asks if there's any way I can go to the pet store and replace the hamsters before the kids get home from school and figure out what happened. I called all over town to find a place that carried Siberian Dwarf hamsters, finally found the pet store at the mall, and went there after work at the playschool. These aren't your $3.99 hamsters. Oh, no. These little fuckers cost $13.99. And I had to get two. Anyway, I got them in the cage before the kids got home from school, went to work at Postnet and thought that was the end of it. Laura calls REALLY freaked out. She decided to clean the cage and found that, prior to their decease, Gary and Carrie had had BABIES. Five babies, to be exact...three of which have at this point been partially eaten by the new Gary and Carrie. The other two are still alive. Laura wrapped them in a paper towel and stuck them in her bra to keep them warm. On my way to Laura's after work, I stop at Petsmart and buy a can of kitten milk replacement ($7.99) which is apparently good for hand-rearing baby hamsters as well, and a teeny tiny little bottle and nipple set ($5.99). So at this point, I'm out approximately $45 on hamster related paraphernalia, only to get to Laura's house and discover that the last two babies are dead. Fuck me. Oh well. Hunter and Jenna are still none the wiser about the unfortunated demise of Gary and Carrie. I felt kind of sneaky pulling this over on them, but also very grown up.
Saw my psychiatrist yesterday. Mentioned to him the HEINOUS headache I'd had since Monday night from clenching my jaw when I get anxious. He prescribed Klonopin. Hoorah for anti-anxiety medication! It's taken me two and a half years to get some. I took half of one yesterday and fell sound asleep for five hours. Here's hoping I can build up a tolerance. Anyway, he also recommended I start taking omega-3 fish oils. He says there's no conclusive evidence that it helps with mood stabilization, but since I haven't responded well to conventional mood stabilizers, it's worth a try. I mentioned my weight gain problem, and he recommended using way less Risperdal. He said to use the Klonopin when I feel anxious or am having a panic attack, and to save the Risperdal for when I'm actually psychotic, seeing things, delusional, etc. Also, next time I see him in May, he wants to try switching me to Lamictal. He said it's not very good with the mania, but lithium hasn't been that great for me anyway. Said he might put me on Lamictal, but leave me on a low dose of lithium, which would bring the number of psychotropic medications to FIVE. Somehow, I don't feel that crazy.
That said, I'm still cutting all the time. I cut while waiting in line for the drive-thru teller at the bank today. Got blood all over my jeans and had to make up a lame ass excuse at work. Spent 30 minutes carving my leg in the bathtub tonight. Justin saw the blood in the tub. Commented on it, but didn't seem to care that much. Half of me wants to show it to him, so he can know how bad I feel inside. The other half feels like I've committed a cardinal sin. I think I cut to punish myself. I always cut when I'm having thoughts of how badly I've fucked up some social situation, how I've let somebody down, not done something I should have done, that kind of thing. Cutting is like atoning for all I've done wrong during the day. It's so addictive. I have to force myself to stop. Tonight, I cut and cut and cut. Now my entire upper left thigh is on fire, but I kind of like the pain. I feel like I deserve it.
Wednesday was Justin and my three year anniversary, and wonder of wonders, Justin got me flowers. I shit you not. It's amazing. We have reservations at the Melting Pot tomorrow, and I have nothing to wear. I think I'm going to use my last few gift certificates from Xmas to piece together some kind of outfit. Mom's out of town, and I doubt I'll be able to get in touch with Laura, which means I'll probably be shopping alone. The sadness of which is only surpassed by eating alone. Oh well.
My eBay account got suspended. Apparently, Rob had been using my account to spike his auctions, drive the prices higher, and he got caught. Or should I say, we got caught. I'm a little pissed, mostly because he hasn't responded to any of my calls or emails. I don't know what I have to do to get a new account, or if I'm going to be stuck using Justin's account forever. It just sucks that all that positive feedback is gone forever. Oh well.
So...the plan is, a hefty dose of Klonopin and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Spent Monday and Tuesday night at my sister's because my bro-in-law went out of town. Fun, yes, but I always get kind of funky when my routine gets messed up. Plus, Sunday night, Uh-oh the dog got out of the basement and chewed up Hunter and Jenna's hamsters, Gary and Carrie. Laura calls me at work all freaked out, asks if there's any way I can go to the pet store and replace the hamsters before the kids get home from school and figure out what happened. I called all over town to find a place that carried Siberian Dwarf hamsters, finally found the pet store at the mall, and went there after work at the playschool. These aren't your $3.99 hamsters. Oh, no. These little fuckers cost $13.99. And I had to get two. Anyway, I got them in the cage before the kids got home from school, went to work at Postnet and thought that was the end of it. Laura calls REALLY freaked out. She decided to clean the cage and found that, prior to their decease, Gary and Carrie had had BABIES. Five babies, to be exact...three of which have at this point been partially eaten by the new Gary and Carrie. The other two are still alive. Laura wrapped them in a paper towel and stuck them in her bra to keep them warm. On my way to Laura's after work, I stop at Petsmart and buy a can of kitten milk replacement ($7.99) which is apparently good for hand-rearing baby hamsters as well, and a teeny tiny little bottle and nipple set ($5.99). So at this point, I'm out approximately $45 on hamster related paraphernalia, only to get to Laura's house and discover that the last two babies are dead. Fuck me. Oh well. Hunter and Jenna are still none the wiser about the unfortunated demise of Gary and Carrie. I felt kind of sneaky pulling this over on them, but also very grown up.
Saw my psychiatrist yesterday. Mentioned to him the HEINOUS headache I'd had since Monday night from clenching my jaw when I get anxious. He prescribed Klonopin. Hoorah for anti-anxiety medication! It's taken me two and a half years to get some. I took half of one yesterday and fell sound asleep for five hours. Here's hoping I can build up a tolerance. Anyway, he also recommended I start taking omega-3 fish oils. He says there's no conclusive evidence that it helps with mood stabilization, but since I haven't responded well to conventional mood stabilizers, it's worth a try. I mentioned my weight gain problem, and he recommended using way less Risperdal. He said to use the Klonopin when I feel anxious or am having a panic attack, and to save the Risperdal for when I'm actually psychotic, seeing things, delusional, etc. Also, next time I see him in May, he wants to try switching me to Lamictal. He said it's not very good with the mania, but lithium hasn't been that great for me anyway. Said he might put me on Lamictal, but leave me on a low dose of lithium, which would bring the number of psychotropic medications to FIVE. Somehow, I don't feel that crazy.
That said, I'm still cutting all the time. I cut while waiting in line for the drive-thru teller at the bank today. Got blood all over my jeans and had to make up a lame ass excuse at work. Spent 30 minutes carving my leg in the bathtub tonight. Justin saw the blood in the tub. Commented on it, but didn't seem to care that much. Half of me wants to show it to him, so he can know how bad I feel inside. The other half feels like I've committed a cardinal sin. I think I cut to punish myself. I always cut when I'm having thoughts of how badly I've fucked up some social situation, how I've let somebody down, not done something I should have done, that kind of thing. Cutting is like atoning for all I've done wrong during the day. It's so addictive. I have to force myself to stop. Tonight, I cut and cut and cut. Now my entire upper left thigh is on fire, but I kind of like the pain. I feel like I deserve it.
Wednesday was Justin and my three year anniversary, and wonder of wonders, Justin got me flowers. I shit you not. It's amazing. We have reservations at the Melting Pot tomorrow, and I have nothing to wear. I think I'm going to use my last few gift certificates from Xmas to piece together some kind of outfit. Mom's out of town, and I doubt I'll be able to get in touch with Laura, which means I'll probably be shopping alone. The sadness of which is only surpassed by eating alone. Oh well.
My eBay account got suspended. Apparently, Rob had been using my account to spike his auctions, drive the prices higher, and he got caught. Or should I say, we got caught. I'm a little pissed, mostly because he hasn't responded to any of my calls or emails. I don't know what I have to do to get a new account, or if I'm going to be stuck using Justin's account forever. It just sucks that all that positive feedback is gone forever. Oh well.
So...the plan is, a hefty dose of Klonopin and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.