Oh, I do believe, if you don't like things you leave, for some place you've never gone before
What is wrong with me...why can't I let things flow, why can't I let things be? Am I trying to manipulate life? Am I trying to force connections that aren't there? If there is not a connection from the beginning, there will never be a connection. If you do not establish yourself fast enough, you will never establish yourself. I want to leave to Cayucos sooner....even if mine and Michaels friendship falls apart, which I get the feeling it will. I want to leave. I want to develope my own identity. I don't want to be a shadow, I don't want to be. Why don't I want to be...why can't I stay here until october 19th and let things flow. Why am I putting a stop to the stream? Why am I? When you start feeling the way I do, i don't even know. it's a horrible feeling, I'm disgusted by myself...no, not physically (but that too)....but my personality.....right now at this very moment reaks of lameness. Bitterness....helplessness...lonliness....trash. The feeling of second best. I cry for myself....actually, last night was the first time in a VERY long time that i cried. I can't remember the last time I cried, honestly. I cry for myself...I cry for her. I don't want these changes. I want what was there and now is gone. I want what's never coming back. I want myself. I want my sanity. I want to know stability. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being ugly. I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired of lying. FUCK! SHIT! GOD DAMMIT! am i tired of living? no...no please no....once you're tired of that, there is no reason to stay here... am i not strong enough for this life? am i being tooemotional (excuse me for once if i am)...do i have emotions? have they died and whithered away after so much supression? supression...this is why i pop. this is why i can't speak. supression's why i can't smile today...it's why i'm paranoid. I wont feel like this tommorrow....will I be supressing the feeling, or will I have actually gotten over it? It's been so long since I've let my feelings and worries get the best of me.... so long since I've had this negative outlook on life..it's been so long since I"ve let myself that I've forgotten what to do...I've forgotten how to deal with it. It's stupid, it's silly. but life...it's brought nothing good for me...these last 18 years i've been in neutral, waiting for something to happen, anything to happen...anything positive...i've raidiated with positivity, karma...why are you doing this to me? pityful....i am pityful....me just writting this....the mere fact that this is going through my mind makes me undesirable....makes me not want to talk to me anymore...not want to look at me anymore...i think i need some ice cream...candy, colors...anything to get my mind off myself. I want to leave sooner....I asked michael...let's see what happens... I have to remember one thing, one thing to get me through, and it's that I'm not moving up there for friends, i'm not moving up there for connections, as tempting as making them might seem...im moving up there for my education, my education that will put my life in drive, will get me going so i can see what life is. i dont know what life is outside of this home, or outside of the church. i dont. as much as i like to think i do, i don't. i don't know life outside of el centro...is it any different elsewhere? who knows...i will find out. i will find out if i stay focused, if i don't left life affect me...if i dont let myself drag me down. if i step out of this puddle i've made for myself....then, hopefully i will know life. well...i think i should stop now. I will come back and delete this soon enough when i'm feeling better...better feeling better find me soon!
the end