i'm cranky and i don't know why.
maybe it's because i'm suffering separation anxiety? i don't think so. that's been a topic lately- a shared concdition between my roommate, me, and our soon-to-be dog.
i think i'm cranky because- all at the same time- so much is happening, and yet not enough. or not the right stuff. not yet. and i'm impatient, not because i'm childish and must have my way NOW--- just because i'm always anxious and nervous about whether or not the desired outcome will actually happen. i see enough fall through, or people fail to complete tasks out of laziness and self-doubt, and i just want to ensure that the same never happens to me. that i take action to change my world, and that it sees completion- it sees the finish line. before going on to grow more, maybe, even.
i understand stepping stones, and i'm loving this summer and all the opportunities it's brought me. at the same time, i fear its end. i want continued growth and action. i love working for outstanding leaders, for people i love, for friends- but i also want to work for myself, as well, and take my own steps in my own directions as a side job. i want to ensure it happens. i want to build a monarchy to see my visions and ideas collaborate and spread and tower.
people who are similar to me are "home," yet the pretentious ones make me want to deflate a balloon. THEIR balloon. i hate pretentious people- they annoy others and a lot of the time build their path by big talk, and that masks what- in reality- is actually LITTLE action if you study their life and progress close enough.
maybe that's why i act humble. almost too much most the time, so that- often- people don't know much about me, or additional truths, or what not. but i'd rather have a close unit of tight friends who like me for me, appreciate me for me, and know the truth- than a whole collection of associations who dabbled in finding out about me through big talk and big egos. i'm a down-home girl with big-town ambitions. that's me. and that's all- that's how i will remain for my life, and that statement above is probably the most blow-hard thing you'll hear me say. and my declaration of humbleness is the most self-righteous thing i'm likely to admit. even to a private lj. and i'm ok with that. i know the truth- i don't need to shout it to strangers hastily.
When I admit and come to terms with my quiet demeanor, though, it is then that I get scared that I'll be too meak and let my goals slip through the cracks. I guess I'm a constant check-and-balance system on myself. And slide to one end to slide back to the other- just to keep each side leveled out and smoothe out. Take sandpaper to rough wood, then jump into the project. Keep going.
I relish writing, and challenging thoughts, and knowledge, and intellect- but I also know to keep it real, and not let it overtake my life, my well-being, my socializations, my opinions of others, or my ego. ("I'm real- what you get is what you see..." - J.Lo.)
I want to start my own company. Others serve as inspiration for what I've been incubating for some time now, and experience further convinces me of my reasons and motivations and the benefits and outcomes possible- and dare I say likely.
I've hit a creative writing writer's block, but it's turning about in my mind and just a matter of time. Maybe. Maybe not. I associate writing with some hard times, and for the moment, I'm alright with being away from it, I think. Maybe I'll stick to quick blips until I reach another long vacation where I can sit down and pen my thoughts on a fictional situation. FICTIONAL.
That's it for now. Interview time for Starbucks Sean--- ??? I don't even know what to ask him. This will be a fun BS marathon for fun, I think!
XX
Love,
Alyssa
i think i'm cranky because- all at the same time- so much is happening, and yet not enough. or not the right stuff. not yet. and i'm impatient, not because i'm childish and must have my way NOW--- just because i'm always anxious and nervous about whether or not the desired outcome will actually happen. i see enough fall through, or people fail to complete tasks out of laziness and self-doubt, and i just want to ensure that the same never happens to me. that i take action to change my world, and that it sees completion- it sees the finish line. before going on to grow more, maybe, even.
i understand stepping stones, and i'm loving this summer and all the opportunities it's brought me. at the same time, i fear its end. i want continued growth and action. i love working for outstanding leaders, for people i love, for friends- but i also want to work for myself, as well, and take my own steps in my own directions as a side job. i want to ensure it happens. i want to build a monarchy to see my visions and ideas collaborate and spread and tower.
people who are similar to me are "home," yet the pretentious ones make me want to deflate a balloon. THEIR balloon. i hate pretentious people- they annoy others and a lot of the time build their path by big talk, and that masks what- in reality- is actually LITTLE action if you study their life and progress close enough.
maybe that's why i act humble. almost too much most the time, so that- often- people don't know much about me, or additional truths, or what not. but i'd rather have a close unit of tight friends who like me for me, appreciate me for me, and know the truth- than a whole collection of associations who dabbled in finding out about me through big talk and big egos. i'm a down-home girl with big-town ambitions. that's me. and that's all- that's how i will remain for my life, and that statement above is probably the most blow-hard thing you'll hear me say. and my declaration of humbleness is the most self-righteous thing i'm likely to admit. even to a private lj. and i'm ok with that. i know the truth- i don't need to shout it to strangers hastily.
When I admit and come to terms with my quiet demeanor, though, it is then that I get scared that I'll be too meak and let my goals slip through the cracks. I guess I'm a constant check-and-balance system on myself. And slide to one end to slide back to the other- just to keep each side leveled out and smoothe out. Take sandpaper to rough wood, then jump into the project. Keep going.
I relish writing, and challenging thoughts, and knowledge, and intellect- but I also know to keep it real, and not let it overtake my life, my well-being, my socializations, my opinions of others, or my ego. ("I'm real- what you get is what you see..." - J.Lo.)
I want to start my own company. Others serve as inspiration for what I've been incubating for some time now, and experience further convinces me of my reasons and motivations and the benefits and outcomes possible- and dare I say likely.
I've hit a creative writing writer's block, but it's turning about in my mind and just a matter of time. Maybe. Maybe not. I associate writing with some hard times, and for the moment, I'm alright with being away from it, I think. Maybe I'll stick to quick blips until I reach another long vacation where I can sit down and pen my thoughts on a fictional situation. FICTIONAL.
That's it for now. Interview time for Starbucks Sean--- ??? I don't even know what to ask him. This will be a fun BS marathon for fun, I think!
XX
Love,
Alyssa