This may be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive
I last wrote so "long" ago, I still hadn't finished my masters paper (that was turned in on 14ish May). I was feeling paralyzed, tired overwhelmed. I still am feeling pretty worn down, lately, for some reason, but overall so much calmer within.
But just some breakthroughs. I read Eat Pray Love, and though it was an easy, fun read... I also loved many of the spiritual ideas in it. I didn't change anything too drastic. A typical week I do some kind of activity at least 20-30 minutes for 5-7 days per week (have a decent basic library of workout dvds I enjoy - so I can get a good workout in, have decent variety, and not have to leave my home, or do the stationary bike - less than 200 bucks at walmart) and I don't deprive myself, I just try not to eat to excess, or just for fun (which is hard for me) and... I'm consistently back in the 120's, which I probably haven't been since 2005 (except for when I hurt my leg, and all I could do was swim and physical rehab and get around my place with my arms, abs, and 1 also hurting leg, the other useless and atrophied). Now I am whole and mostly able bodied again. But - I can't run... yet I still maintain good shape and fitness. I still want to lose maybe 5-7 more lbs. No need to break into the 110s, don't know if that's healthy for me. Over the last year, even with all of the exhaustion and stress of school, and missing my love, I have come to realize that I finally love my body, even if I know I would still like some improvement. I accept it's general shape, and I appreciate the strength it has, esp for something so short :) I have come to love walking, though I still miss running a lot. There's something wonderful able the way your feet and legs push you forward. Strike the ground, pull then push forward. Strong, and reliable. I enjoy it. I like the pavement better than the treadmill, but being outside in Georgia can be just a little oppressive, so you just do what you can. I have corny meditative-y thoughts come to me, like I delight in the strength of my body, and I do. I appreciate yoga more (def have some good yoga and pilates workouts - 2 great 50 min workout dvds have become my weekend routine) and the idea of holding the pose, being in the moment, appreciating the work your body does. Sure helps during surgery when you're just standing there, or retracting something at an awkward angle that makes a limb fall asleep and making sure it's steady and just enough tension for the surgeon to do his/her thing. Interesting, the overlap you can see.
I'm also more than halfway done with this second year of school. In less than 6 months, I'll be a real PA. Awesome, and ridiculous - there's so much else I want to learn before I start... But I know I'll be ready enough. I finally broke the code on studying, even just in little pieces at a time. And it's frustratingly different - studying for by the book tests versus studying for day to day patient encounters. Staying motivated, not feeling intimidated or defeated before I start. I look forward to this weekend, to knock out a lot of ENT studying, and finish up the apt for Ashley, my guest next week! I knocked out the Internal Medicine test - which covers literally hundreds of objectives, a LOT of medicine - great to get behind me, that's for sure. Paper is in (just waiting, waiting) and technically I only have 4 rotations left in phase 2 (Peds, Derm, Surgery, Ortho) WHAT?! awesome. I can do this, and it's kind of great. Start to feel like things are falling into place. Tired though, weirdly tired. Like, going to bed within the next hour even though it's 8:40 weird. Guess I put a lot of myself into my days, even the normalish hours ones. Sigh.
I went to the mailbox today and there was a card from Dru, from Iraq, just cause. It made me so happy to see that perfect handwriting on a crisp white envelope in my mailbox. He does NOT get enough sleep - taking a few minutes to grab a card and write to me, well it kind of melts my heart. Elated joyful tears even sprang to my eyes, and a smile that would have probably looked way too happy for mail had anybody else seen it. I am the Luckiest, and there is so much good ahead of us.
To him being safest always and coming Home to me. To being happy with yourself (I think health is so interconnected with how you feel inside, though that's only one aspect in a very complex mix of factors), even though you know you're not perfect. To being open to the moment, and planning for the future, but appreciating the now, too. Yeah. To be continued (and that's the joy of it)
But just some breakthroughs. I read Eat Pray Love, and though it was an easy, fun read... I also loved many of the spiritual ideas in it. I didn't change anything too drastic. A typical week I do some kind of activity at least 20-30 minutes for 5-7 days per week (have a decent basic library of workout dvds I enjoy - so I can get a good workout in, have decent variety, and not have to leave my home, or do the stationary bike - less than 200 bucks at walmart) and I don't deprive myself, I just try not to eat to excess, or just for fun (which is hard for me) and... I'm consistently back in the 120's, which I probably haven't been since 2005 (except for when I hurt my leg, and all I could do was swim and physical rehab and get around my place with my arms, abs, and 1 also hurting leg, the other useless and atrophied). Now I am whole and mostly able bodied again. But - I can't run... yet I still maintain good shape and fitness. I still want to lose maybe 5-7 more lbs. No need to break into the 110s, don't know if that's healthy for me. Over the last year, even with all of the exhaustion and stress of school, and missing my love, I have come to realize that I finally love my body, even if I know I would still like some improvement. I accept it's general shape, and I appreciate the strength it has, esp for something so short :) I have come to love walking, though I still miss running a lot. There's something wonderful able the way your feet and legs push you forward. Strike the ground, pull then push forward. Strong, and reliable. I enjoy it. I like the pavement better than the treadmill, but being outside in Georgia can be just a little oppressive, so you just do what you can. I have corny meditative-y thoughts come to me, like I delight in the strength of my body, and I do. I appreciate yoga more (def have some good yoga and pilates workouts - 2 great 50 min workout dvds have become my weekend routine) and the idea of holding the pose, being in the moment, appreciating the work your body does. Sure helps during surgery when you're just standing there, or retracting something at an awkward angle that makes a limb fall asleep and making sure it's steady and just enough tension for the surgeon to do his/her thing. Interesting, the overlap you can see.
I'm also more than halfway done with this second year of school. In less than 6 months, I'll be a real PA. Awesome, and ridiculous - there's so much else I want to learn before I start... But I know I'll be ready enough. I finally broke the code on studying, even just in little pieces at a time. And it's frustratingly different - studying for by the book tests versus studying for day to day patient encounters. Staying motivated, not feeling intimidated or defeated before I start. I look forward to this weekend, to knock out a lot of ENT studying, and finish up the apt for Ashley, my guest next week! I knocked out the Internal Medicine test - which covers literally hundreds of objectives, a LOT of medicine - great to get behind me, that's for sure. Paper is in (just waiting, waiting) and technically I only have 4 rotations left in phase 2 (Peds, Derm, Surgery, Ortho) WHAT?! awesome. I can do this, and it's kind of great. Start to feel like things are falling into place. Tired though, weirdly tired. Like, going to bed within the next hour even though it's 8:40 weird. Guess I put a lot of myself into my days, even the normalish hours ones. Sigh.
I went to the mailbox today and there was a card from Dru, from Iraq, just cause. It made me so happy to see that perfect handwriting on a crisp white envelope in my mailbox. He does NOT get enough sleep - taking a few minutes to grab a card and write to me, well it kind of melts my heart. Elated joyful tears even sprang to my eyes, and a smile that would have probably looked way too happy for mail had anybody else seen it. I am the Luckiest, and there is so much good ahead of us.
To him being safest always and coming Home to me. To being happy with yourself (I think health is so interconnected with how you feel inside, though that's only one aspect in a very complex mix of factors), even though you know you're not perfect. To being open to the moment, and planning for the future, but appreciating the now, too. Yeah. To be continued (and that's the joy of it)