wide awake
so i decided that i would start to update my journal again. it's been a few months. i dont know if anyone ever reads these things anymore, but it gives me a place to vent if nothing else and sometimes a little venting is good for you. so, it's 5:40 am and i've been awake for hours now. i haven't been able to sleep in days. i wonder if it's because i haven't been taking my medicine like i should, or if it's because i'm staring at the celing thinking about the same dang person all night long. every night...i don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i'm not even tired. i wonder how long it's going to be until all this not sleeping kicks in and i like break down because i'm so tired and weak. i don't really even care. it's a good thing it's the summer or i wouldn't be getting any work done. i'm gonna be in some serious trouble come august. who even knows what's going to happen then. my guess is i'll still be staying up every night except you can go ahead and add crying to that as well. there are people that i'm going to miss when i leave, but i don't feel like i'm losing them...i feel like i'm losing him, and it honestly, breaks my heart. i shouldn't let him get to me like this...it's only been a little over a month. it's just that he seems so perfect except for one thing..and i can't push that on him...he has to believe it for himself. i feel so helpless though. i almost want him to really piss me off, you know make me so mad that i don't even want to talk to him anymore. it seems like that'd be easier than missing him everyday. but, then i might just be even more heartbroken. seems pathetic huh? well, you're right, it is. but i don't know what to do about it all. doesn't seem like there's anything i can do other than to just get over it. my roomates sure are going to LOVE me when i first get there. geez, they're gonna think i'm the biggest freaking baby. oh well, i don't care. who knows, maybe we'll make it work. and maybe some guys will knock on his door that'll make him change his mind about a few things. i guess i'll just have to hit my knees and pray for that to happen. what's a girl to do?