Weekly recap (x 2)
Raw (Nov. 2)
Guest hosts: Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne. Rock 'n' roll, baby.
Miz comes out to complain about his match last week; Legacy comes out to complain about Kofi Kingston; Big Show comes out to complain and demand an apology from the Raw roster; DX comes out to make fun of everybody and conspire with Ozzy & Sharon to book some grudge matches for tonight.
Miz vs. Evan Bourne, US Championship: Yay Evan! ... Aw, damn it. In the end, he goes for the Air Bourne and misses, and Miz hits the Skill-Crushing Finale for the win. I mean, Miz is entertaining, but I want to see Evan kick some ass.
Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble: Jamie Noble got the shit beat out of him. (He retired at the end of the week, after this match put him in the hospital and he basically asked himself, "What the hell am I doing? I have kids to raise. Screw this.")
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston: They fight, and then Legacy comes out, and the Osbournes call for a six-man tag:
Randy Orton & Legacy vs. Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, & MVP: Oh, god, the Kool-Aid twins are back. Seriously, WWE, can we stop with this stupid shit? Please? On the plus side, hey, the other team really brings the eye candy. Henry slams Cody for the win. Lame. And I'm still waiting for Dibiase's face turn.
Raw's Got Talent: Ah, the goofy guest-host segment; Ozzy & Sharon are the talent judges, along with Khali. Santino has not got talent. Chris Masters does an artform to "Crazy Train" and flexes his manboobs, which earns him Sharon's vote of approval. Chavo & Jillian do a duet, which Chavo makes less horrible because he can actually sing, but the judges no likey. Chavo & Jillian get pissy, so Sharon bitch-slaps Jillian, and Khali chops Chavo. Then Hornswaggle comes out to pile on. I thought we were past this? Arg!
Nikki & Brie Bella, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, & Alicia Fox, Battle Royale for #1 contendership to the diva’s championship: Alicia wins. Why is she getting another push?
DX is still being mean to Hornswaggle, who's just an excited little fanboy. Enter John Cena, who rescues Hornswaggle from the jerks and proceeds to talk some smack about the upcoming triple-threat championship match. DX claims that statistics are on their side (yeah, guys, but only if you can agree on which one of you is going to get the win) but Cena is confident.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show: JeriShow takes control of the match. Jericho attempts a pin, Show breaks it up, Jericho gets in his face about it and Show launches Jericho out of the ring. Show gets back to Cena, Cena turns things around and Show goes out of the ring. Cena goes to town on Jericho, Show clobbers Cena with his massive fist, Jericho gets the pin and the win. But they're not done with Cena, so DX comes in to make the save, and Jericho & Show take them out too. A big victory for JeriShow.
ECW (Nov. 3)
My Man Christian is pissed about the beat-down that William Regal arranged for him last week, and he's ready for a fight right now. GM Tiffany comes out to talk him down, apologizing for last week as she feels responsible. Regal comes out to accept Christian's challenge, but on his own terms: the match will be for the ECW title, and it will be held next week, on Regal's home turf of England. Christian accepts, and Tiffany okays it, but declares that Regal's thugs will be banned from ringside. Hell yeah, My Man is totally gonna kick his ass!
The main event:
Christian & Yoshi Tatsu vs. Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson: Yoshi gets tag-teamed for a while, then finally gets the tag to Christian, who cleans up. He eventually hits the Killswitch on Kozlov for the win.
Post-match, of course, here comes Regal. He mixes it up with Christian, then Jackson hits Christian from behind and it turns into another beat-down. Dudes, this is not cool. I foresee a decisive win in Christian's near future.
Smackdown (Nov. 6)
We open with Undertaker orating in the ring. Then Chris Jericho comes out to talk smack, and Undertaker kicks him in the head. (Note to self: Undertaker does not seem to appreciate being interrupted.)
John Morrison & Cryme Time vs. Dolph Ziggler & The Hart Dynasty: Morrison seems to be favoring his ribs; eventually, Ziggler goes for the cheap shot to get him out of the way and Ziggler gets the pin on Shad.
Backstage, Rey Mysterio does an interview. It seems that Batista has gotten under his skin; Rey swears that he'll show Batista a side of him that Batista's never seen.
Beth Phoenix vs. Britney Carter: Britney is a dancer. WTF is this crap? Why are you throwing random, meaningless squashes at Beth? And it is a squash.
Drew McIntyre vs. Jimmy Wang Yang: Drew the Jerk blindsides Jimmy during his entrance, and then talks smack before turning to leave. Jimmy still wants the match, but it doesn't go too well for him. Drew gets the pin in short order.
Backstage, Batista is in a foul mood and manages to scare off the interviewer.
Rey Mysterio vs. Mike Knox: Eventually, Rey hits the 619 and follows it with a big splash to win.
CM Punk vs. R-Truth: Uh, random match? Truth looks strong, but Punk gets the upper hand after a little while and gets a two-count. He bitches at the ref (Scott Armstrong) about it, and Truth takes the opportunity to hit Punk from behind and roll him up for a pin attempt; Armstrong does a quick three-count, awards the match to R-Truth, and runs away. Punk seems displeased.
Batista vs. Matt Hardy: It's a clean match to start. Hardy gets in some sporadic offense, but Batista pretty much controls the action. Then Batista gets fed up, apparently, and instead of following a spinebuster with a pin attempt, he follows it with a beating that ends up going outside the ring and involving the furniture. Batista clobbers him with a monitor and the ref finally declares Hardy the winner by DQ. Batista doesn't care. He keeps beating on Hardy for a while, until eventually Batista gets bored and leaves.
Raw (Nov. 9)
Tonight's host: Ricky Hatton. The English locals love him. Big Show dares him to try to knock him out, offering Ricky a free shot. Ricky almost goes for it, but Chris Jericho interrupts to tell Show that he should be focused on their upcoming PPV match with Undertaker. Then Jericho takes a moment to explain why he's the greatest, and Show calls him Napoleon. :) Then DX comes out, makes fun of JeriShow, Shawn Michaels takes out Jericho, and Show decides that discretion is the better part of valor, and he leaves.
Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox: Ugh. Alicia wins again.
Sheamus vs. ?: Sheamus crushes the jobber of the week.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger: Yay Evan!!! But, oh shit. Swagger's on this undefeated streak. This can't end well for Evan. Swagger beats on him for a while, and then Evan gets him with a kick to the chin, and Air Bourne connects! He goes for the pin and OMFG EVAN WINS!!! YAY!!!
The Kool-Aid twins are hosting the VIP Lounge in the ring. Kofi Kingston is here and they all agree that they're tired of getting pushed around by Randy Orton and the Fanboyz. Speak of the devil... Orton and his two shadows come down to the ring to look menacing. Orton talks smack, calling them all low-class street thugs; Cody Rhodes adds further insult, and Ted Dibiase says that he's richer than they are. (Uh... face turn? What face turn?)
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry: Orton wins with an RKO. You know, under almost any circumstances, watching him do that move is totally hot, but Mark Henry is just ew.
Ricky Hatton vs. Chavo Guerrero: Can we give Chavo something to do other than feuding with the guest hosts and the comic relief? Chavo loses when Ricky hits a knock-out punch.
Backstage, John Cena is with Hornswaggle. DX shows up to bitch some more about "gimmick infringement" and Hornswaggle runs away while Cena tells DX to get a life. Hornswaggle comes back dressed as Mini-Cena, and then when DX leaves, he trades the Cena look for his DX gear. Can we get Cena & Hornswaggle vs. DX?
JeriShow vs. DX: This will do, I suppose. They go back and forth; for all their "frienemies" wishy-washiness, Jericho & Show are working well together here. Jericho is offering suggestions to the commentators again: “Tell him! Tell him that he’s a giant destroyer.” LOL. (He's such a great cheerleader! I wish I could have had him at my high school soccer games.) At the end of the match, Show goes to take out Shawn Michaels and accidentally clobbers Jericho instead. Triple-H gets Show out of the way and gets a cheap pin on Jericho. Lame, H, really lame.
Next week: JeriShow vs. DX vs. John Cena & the Undertaker. Whoa. My brain might explode.
ECW (Nov. 10)
Christian vs. William Regal, ECW championship: They go back and forth, but My Man Christian's superior speed, agility, and smoking hotness eventually hit the Killswitch for the win. Yessss.
Smackdown (Nov. 13)
CM Punk wins over the English fans by making fun of them, declaring he's better than they are, and P.S. Scott Armstrong is a crappy referee. R-Truth comes out and tells him to shut up.
CM Punk vs. R-Truth: Random match-up is still random, even if they're doing it for the second week in a row. Punk wins by dubious means.
Natalya Neidhart vs. Mickie James: Natalya owns the match for a while. Then Mickie starts to turn it around, and Michelle McCool and Layla come out with some of Mickie's clothes and start trashing them with scissors. Really? Mickie is distracted, and Natalya gets her in a submission hold. Mickie taps, Natalya wins.
Finlay vs. Drew McIntyre: They get into a fistfight, the ref calls the match, and they keep brawling. Finlay goes for his shillelagh, but Drew grabs it. (HA HA! Finlay the cheater fails at cheating!)
Rey Mysterio and Batista have a contract signing for their upcoming PPV match. Batista has some extra paperwork that says Mysterio can't sue if he gets injured in the match. Mysterio seems irritated, but signs that as well, and then throws the table at Batista. Well, Batista might have possibly deserved that.
John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler, intercontinental championship: They go at it for a while, and eventually they end up throwing each other over the top rope to the floor. The ref calls the match a draw by double count-out.
Beth Phoenix vs. Yet Another Random Jobber: Beth hits a cool-looking sequence of moves before nailing the Glam Slam for the win.
Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho: Cool match. They go back and forth, and back, and forth, and eventually they lead up to trading finishing moves and pinfall attempts. Then Taker locks in the Hell's Gate and Jericho finally taps. Big Show comes down after the bell, and he and Jericho team up to beat on Undertaker until Kane puts in an appearance to break it up. Hello, Brothers of Destruction! Next week, we get the hell-raisers vs. JeriShow.
Sources:
Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report - 11.02.09
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration…Oz-Man Cometh
Kevin Innarelli: ECW Real-Time Coverage for 11/03/2009
Brian Eison: Smackdown recap for 11/06/09
Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report - 11.09.09
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration…The Best There Is, The Best There Was
Aaron Glazer: The Wrestling Guy’s Live ECW Report, 11/10/09
Brian Eison: Smackdown recap for 11/13/09
Guest hosts: Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne. Rock 'n' roll, baby.
Miz comes out to complain about his match last week; Legacy comes out to complain about Kofi Kingston; Big Show comes out to complain and demand an apology from the Raw roster; DX comes out to make fun of everybody and conspire with Ozzy & Sharon to book some grudge matches for tonight.
Miz vs. Evan Bourne, US Championship: Yay Evan! ... Aw, damn it. In the end, he goes for the Air Bourne and misses, and Miz hits the Skill-Crushing Finale for the win. I mean, Miz is entertaining, but I want to see Evan kick some ass.
Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble: Jamie Noble got the shit beat out of him. (He retired at the end of the week, after this match put him in the hospital and he basically asked himself, "What the hell am I doing? I have kids to raise. Screw this.")
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston: They fight, and then Legacy comes out, and the Osbournes call for a six-man tag:
Randy Orton & Legacy vs. Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, & MVP: Oh, god, the Kool-Aid twins are back. Seriously, WWE, can we stop with this stupid shit? Please? On the plus side, hey, the other team really brings the eye candy. Henry slams Cody for the win. Lame. And I'm still waiting for Dibiase's face turn.
Raw's Got Talent: Ah, the goofy guest-host segment; Ozzy & Sharon are the talent judges, along with Khali. Santino has not got talent. Chris Masters does an artform to "Crazy Train" and flexes his manboobs, which earns him Sharon's vote of approval. Chavo & Jillian do a duet, which Chavo makes less horrible because he can actually sing, but the judges no likey. Chavo & Jillian get pissy, so Sharon bitch-slaps Jillian, and Khali chops Chavo. Then Hornswaggle comes out to pile on. I thought we were past this? Arg!
Nikki & Brie Bella, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, & Alicia Fox, Battle Royale for #1 contendership to the diva’s championship: Alicia wins. Why is she getting another push?
DX is still being mean to Hornswaggle, who's just an excited little fanboy. Enter John Cena, who rescues Hornswaggle from the jerks and proceeds to talk some smack about the upcoming triple-threat championship match. DX claims that statistics are on their side (yeah, guys, but only if you can agree on which one of you is going to get the win) but Cena is confident.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show: JeriShow takes control of the match. Jericho attempts a pin, Show breaks it up, Jericho gets in his face about it and Show launches Jericho out of the ring. Show gets back to Cena, Cena turns things around and Show goes out of the ring. Cena goes to town on Jericho, Show clobbers Cena with his massive fist, Jericho gets the pin and the win. But they're not done with Cena, so DX comes in to make the save, and Jericho & Show take them out too. A big victory for JeriShow.
ECW (Nov. 3)
My Man Christian is pissed about the beat-down that William Regal arranged for him last week, and he's ready for a fight right now. GM Tiffany comes out to talk him down, apologizing for last week as she feels responsible. Regal comes out to accept Christian's challenge, but on his own terms: the match will be for the ECW title, and it will be held next week, on Regal's home turf of England. Christian accepts, and Tiffany okays it, but declares that Regal's thugs will be banned from ringside. Hell yeah, My Man is totally gonna kick his ass!
The main event:
Christian & Yoshi Tatsu vs. Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson: Yoshi gets tag-teamed for a while, then finally gets the tag to Christian, who cleans up. He eventually hits the Killswitch on Kozlov for the win.
Post-match, of course, here comes Regal. He mixes it up with Christian, then Jackson hits Christian from behind and it turns into another beat-down. Dudes, this is not cool. I foresee a decisive win in Christian's near future.
Smackdown (Nov. 6)
We open with Undertaker orating in the ring. Then Chris Jericho comes out to talk smack, and Undertaker kicks him in the head. (Note to self: Undertaker does not seem to appreciate being interrupted.)
John Morrison & Cryme Time vs. Dolph Ziggler & The Hart Dynasty: Morrison seems to be favoring his ribs; eventually, Ziggler goes for the cheap shot to get him out of the way and Ziggler gets the pin on Shad.
Backstage, Rey Mysterio does an interview. It seems that Batista has gotten under his skin; Rey swears that he'll show Batista a side of him that Batista's never seen.
Beth Phoenix vs. Britney Carter: Britney is a dancer. WTF is this crap? Why are you throwing random, meaningless squashes at Beth? And it is a squash.
Drew McIntyre vs. Jimmy Wang Yang: Drew the Jerk blindsides Jimmy during his entrance, and then talks smack before turning to leave. Jimmy still wants the match, but it doesn't go too well for him. Drew gets the pin in short order.
Backstage, Batista is in a foul mood and manages to scare off the interviewer.
Rey Mysterio vs. Mike Knox: Eventually, Rey hits the 619 and follows it with a big splash to win.
CM Punk vs. R-Truth: Uh, random match? Truth looks strong, but Punk gets the upper hand after a little while and gets a two-count. He bitches at the ref (Scott Armstrong) about it, and Truth takes the opportunity to hit Punk from behind and roll him up for a pin attempt; Armstrong does a quick three-count, awards the match to R-Truth, and runs away. Punk seems displeased.
Batista vs. Matt Hardy: It's a clean match to start. Hardy gets in some sporadic offense, but Batista pretty much controls the action. Then Batista gets fed up, apparently, and instead of following a spinebuster with a pin attempt, he follows it with a beating that ends up going outside the ring and involving the furniture. Batista clobbers him with a monitor and the ref finally declares Hardy the winner by DQ. Batista doesn't care. He keeps beating on Hardy for a while, until eventually Batista gets bored and leaves.
Raw (Nov. 9)
Tonight's host: Ricky Hatton. The English locals love him. Big Show dares him to try to knock him out, offering Ricky a free shot. Ricky almost goes for it, but Chris Jericho interrupts to tell Show that he should be focused on their upcoming PPV match with Undertaker. Then Jericho takes a moment to explain why he's the greatest, and Show calls him Napoleon. :) Then DX comes out, makes fun of JeriShow, Shawn Michaels takes out Jericho, and Show decides that discretion is the better part of valor, and he leaves.
Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox: Ugh. Alicia wins again.
Sheamus vs. ?: Sheamus crushes the jobber of the week.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger: Yay Evan!!! But, oh shit. Swagger's on this undefeated streak. This can't end well for Evan. Swagger beats on him for a while, and then Evan gets him with a kick to the chin, and Air Bourne connects! He goes for the pin and OMFG EVAN WINS!!! YAY!!!
The Kool-Aid twins are hosting the VIP Lounge in the ring. Kofi Kingston is here and they all agree that they're tired of getting pushed around by Randy Orton and the Fanboyz. Speak of the devil... Orton and his two shadows come down to the ring to look menacing. Orton talks smack, calling them all low-class street thugs; Cody Rhodes adds further insult, and Ted Dibiase says that he's richer than they are. (Uh... face turn? What face turn?)
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry: Orton wins with an RKO. You know, under almost any circumstances, watching him do that move is totally hot, but Mark Henry is just ew.
Ricky Hatton vs. Chavo Guerrero: Can we give Chavo something to do other than feuding with the guest hosts and the comic relief? Chavo loses when Ricky hits a knock-out punch.
Backstage, John Cena is with Hornswaggle. DX shows up to bitch some more about "gimmick infringement" and Hornswaggle runs away while Cena tells DX to get a life. Hornswaggle comes back dressed as Mini-Cena, and then when DX leaves, he trades the Cena look for his DX gear. Can we get Cena & Hornswaggle vs. DX?
JeriShow vs. DX: This will do, I suppose. They go back and forth; for all their "frienemies" wishy-washiness, Jericho & Show are working well together here. Jericho is offering suggestions to the commentators again: “Tell him! Tell him that he’s a giant destroyer.” LOL. (He's such a great cheerleader! I wish I could have had him at my high school soccer games.) At the end of the match, Show goes to take out Shawn Michaels and accidentally clobbers Jericho instead. Triple-H gets Show out of the way and gets a cheap pin on Jericho. Lame, H, really lame.
Next week: JeriShow vs. DX vs. John Cena & the Undertaker. Whoa. My brain might explode.
ECW (Nov. 10)
Christian vs. William Regal, ECW championship: They go back and forth, but My Man Christian's superior speed, agility, and smoking hotness eventually hit the Killswitch for the win. Yessss.
Smackdown (Nov. 13)
CM Punk wins over the English fans by making fun of them, declaring he's better than they are, and P.S. Scott Armstrong is a crappy referee. R-Truth comes out and tells him to shut up.
CM Punk vs. R-Truth: Random match-up is still random, even if they're doing it for the second week in a row. Punk wins by dubious means.
Natalya Neidhart vs. Mickie James: Natalya owns the match for a while. Then Mickie starts to turn it around, and Michelle McCool and Layla come out with some of Mickie's clothes and start trashing them with scissors. Really? Mickie is distracted, and Natalya gets her in a submission hold. Mickie taps, Natalya wins.
Finlay vs. Drew McIntyre: They get into a fistfight, the ref calls the match, and they keep brawling. Finlay goes for his shillelagh, but Drew grabs it. (HA HA! Finlay the cheater fails at cheating!)
Rey Mysterio and Batista have a contract signing for their upcoming PPV match. Batista has some extra paperwork that says Mysterio can't sue if he gets injured in the match. Mysterio seems irritated, but signs that as well, and then throws the table at Batista. Well, Batista might have possibly deserved that.
John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler, intercontinental championship: They go at it for a while, and eventually they end up throwing each other over the top rope to the floor. The ref calls the match a draw by double count-out.
Beth Phoenix vs. Yet Another Random Jobber: Beth hits a cool-looking sequence of moves before nailing the Glam Slam for the win.
Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho: Cool match. They go back and forth, and back, and forth, and eventually they lead up to trading finishing moves and pinfall attempts. Then Taker locks in the Hell's Gate and Jericho finally taps. Big Show comes down after the bell, and he and Jericho team up to beat on Undertaker until Kane puts in an appearance to break it up. Hello, Brothers of Destruction! Next week, we get the hell-raisers vs. JeriShow.
Sources:
Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report - 11.02.09
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration…Oz-Man Cometh
Kevin Innarelli: ECW Real-Time Coverage for 11/03/2009
Brian Eison: Smackdown recap for 11/06/09
Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report - 11.09.09
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration…The Best There Is, The Best There Was
Aaron Glazer: The Wrestling Guy’s Live ECW Report, 11/10/09
Brian Eison: Smackdown recap for 11/13/09