The New Year
Well, before the new year was a time of drinking and forgetting, it was a time of reflection. I like to think of myself as oldskool fo life, so I'mma lay it down pre-industrial revolution style.
::The Year That Has Passed::
Over the past year I have not been particularily well. I've been drifting about in a haze, falling in and out of drug-addiction and utter despair; I've hated my life, myself, and the environment in which I lived. I've either been obsessively filling my head with ideology or engaging in manic self-destructism. I hated the world and felt that the world hated me.
I could not engage in my usual respite from these feelings, passionate love, because love and sex were hateful to me. Being with a girl who had the same ideas and feelings I did ended up badly, the loneliness, neediness, and poison-ideals we shared manifesting themselves as a physical virus . After contracting this disease, and seeing how it spread, I could not even fathom loving or being loved; my love was poison.
There was always one spark of light, but between violently changing brain-chemistry and constantly shifting world-views, I could only stop the tumourous growth in my spirit to glimpse at it every once in awhile.
Most of the year, now, is a blur to me. Reflecting upon it is like looking through a mirror covered in dirty motor oil.
::Now::
I can't stand the idea of wasting a life. The benefit of living as I have is meeting others who live the same way. I have lived many styles of life up until now, keeping what I like from each and disposing of the trash as I've moved forward. I've worked through many shadow lives recently, and now that I know the shadow, I want to move forward into the light. Living on the inside was hell, but diamonds only develop under intense pressure and, though they can't be burnt for fuel, shine more brightly and are valued more deeply than their original form.
::The Upcoming Year::
The outer world will reflect the power and love I feel inside. I am going to find a way to make a mark: it won't be an easy path, I do not intend to take any roads paved with the crushed souls of generations and slick with their neighbors' blood, but I'm going to walk, goddamn it, fly even, if that's the only way to keep my sole (ha) clean. We'll see if it's even possible to trip-up a man with wings.
Alex
::The Year That Has Passed::
Over the past year I have not been particularily well. I've been drifting about in a haze, falling in and out of drug-addiction and utter despair; I've hated my life, myself, and the environment in which I lived. I've either been obsessively filling my head with ideology or engaging in manic self-destructism. I hated the world and felt that the world hated me.
I could not engage in my usual respite from these feelings, passionate love, because love and sex were hateful to me. Being with a girl who had the same ideas and feelings I did ended up badly, the loneliness, neediness, and poison-ideals we shared manifesting themselves as a physical virus . After contracting this disease, and seeing how it spread, I could not even fathom loving or being loved; my love was poison.
There was always one spark of light, but between violently changing brain-chemistry and constantly shifting world-views, I could only stop the tumourous growth in my spirit to glimpse at it every once in awhile.
Most of the year, now, is a blur to me. Reflecting upon it is like looking through a mirror covered in dirty motor oil.
::Now::
I can't stand the idea of wasting a life. The benefit of living as I have is meeting others who live the same way. I have lived many styles of life up until now, keeping what I like from each and disposing of the trash as I've moved forward. I've worked through many shadow lives recently, and now that I know the shadow, I want to move forward into the light. Living on the inside was hell, but diamonds only develop under intense pressure and, though they can't be burnt for fuel, shine more brightly and are valued more deeply than their original form.
::The Upcoming Year::
The outer world will reflect the power and love I feel inside. I am going to find a way to make a mark: it won't be an easy path, I do not intend to take any roads paved with the crushed souls of generations and slick with their neighbors' blood, but I'm going to walk, goddamn it, fly even, if that's the only way to keep my sole (ha) clean. We'll see if it's even possible to trip-up a man with wings.
Alex