You can't be close enough until I'm feeling your heartbeat/All of your love was all that I needed
Quiet day. Last one in Montgomery, AL for the Christmas season. Woke up late today after a horrible 3 hours of trying to sleep the night before. Brought back memories of being 10 and wishing I could just have an off switch so I could suddenly be asleep, then turn ON! and be awake for the next day. Scared the crap out of mom and dad waking them up at 4 AM wailing for a sleeping pill. You'd think at 21 years old I'd be more adult but no, I just collapsed on my mom's belly, tired and desperate for a way to sleep. Nothing really changes. It's comforting and sad at the same time. My whole family's been sick in one-at-a-time order from 2 days before Chrsitmas till now, and i barely have whatever bug's going around. Not enough to have my head in the toilet, but enough to just be vaguely miserable. It was still a pleasant Chrsitmas, even with the sickness. My extra gift money paid for all a spontaneous entertainment shopping spree and I now have many more CDs and DVDs to my name, which gives me a sort of peace in the way only new glossy material things do.
Been reading my new Greek Mythology book I got from my aunt and uncle for Christmas, mostly before bed but also whenever I find the chance. It feels good to have a book within fingertip reach again. The book is written more modern/teaching than I'm used to, but I'm getting used to it. It's funny, and I always like reading them over again from a different perspective. Plus I'm learning a few new things, which is pleasantly suprising, it's raising my opinion of the quality of the book. It also made me want to read more Greek fic again, and I came across the beautiful Persephone poem. I'm gonna write it out in cursive or print it out in some cool font and decorate it, make it into a bookmark for my new Greek myth encyclepedia.
I've been missing Brenda like crazy lately, which is slighly embarrasing because of the intensity, but also slightly relieving in its familiarity. I'm used to missing Brenda, or at least I was for years. That slightly pink-tinged pang in the round part of my heart that smells faintly of roses and makes me wish for supernatural powers so I could talk telepathically or teleport to her to me. It's a nice love I remember, that's been floding back little by little from the ice prison I made around it, so that there's only really a mostly metled lock left. It's selfish and selfless, needy and patient, but above all constant. There for me to rely on, think about. The hard, possessive kind of love that makes me want to take her away from everyone else so it's only us again, until I'm satisfied she'd never leave me. But it's soft as well, like when I see a $200 butterfly necalace and consider spending all my new gift money on that and giving it to her not because it's Christmas or because I want her to be grateful (which I do), but because seeing her smile when she's happy is like seeing the moon shine when it's full on a dark blue lake surrounded by glittering stars. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I'd never met her, where all this love would manifest without her, if it'd just lie dormant and I'd be eaten up by lonliness. But then I stop thinking about it, beacuse it's not useful to do so, and simply to horrible to contemplate anyway. I hope she's having a good Chrsitmas with Kurt and her family, hope she's enjoying the snow.
My brother and I went to bed before midnight, our own little Christmas tradition, in this hundred + year old inn at Fayette, AL and woke up early to stockings. Then Chrsitmas lunch with the aunts and uncles and grandparents and opeing presents, oldest to youngest, a present at a time. Followed by a nap and long card game. Everyhing according to schedule.
Yule was quiet and personal for me on the 21st, my first I celebrated. I stayed up to watch the sunrise outside, showered and pure, with the perfect winter candles picked out. It took FOREVER to come up. I almost froze to death, I swear. When it did I sang "Here Comes the Sun" by the Bealtes softly to myself. I can't stand the cold, and it seriously felt like it would never stop being winter, and that nothign would ever grow. That the world would be frozen in this withered, desolate state and I'd never see flowers again. But then the sun came back and the worst part of winter was over and spring is coming which menas warmth and green and growing and love and movement and food and happiness. Most of all flowers. The sun was so bright and beautiful, I cried a little. I kept the candles burning all day in honor of the Sun King. Really good first Yule.
The family's going to a movie tonight since dad was too tired last night. Sherlock Holmes I think, which I'm excited about. Literature-based, historical, and beautiful, witty men? Yes please. Plus the whole family outing think is rare, with my aunts and cousins and grandparents all in attendance. We may even get icecream afterwards, because we're just that Leave it to Beaver. And I like it that way.
Lousiana is a 50/50 tomorrow says dad, cause mom's worried about the rain and the extra hours. Plus we can't even fit Dylan in our car, cause Sam is with us now, and all of the luggage. It's beyond headachy for me, and if I even touch on it in my mond I get all anxious and frantic and whimpery. Most of all that horrid resigned feeling where I'm already 70% there to giving up. I already told him we were coming! Stupid hopes, I knew seeing him twice in one year was too much to ask. I'm just gonna pray to Aphro and hope for the best. She's probably happy to get some prayers this time of year anyway. It's nice someitmes to have petty gods.
I left my computer charger in Arkansas, so I can't use my computer until we go back through there. But when we DO I'll put all my new CDs onto my iTunes. And then ORGANIZE TIME! yaaaaaaaay. Nothing centers me more than cleaning and organzing. It takes about 20 minutes of meditating to get me into the same space that those tasks do. Just wipes my mind, which is such a blessing. My mind is usually so cluttered (for instacne LAST NIGHT) that it never shuts off and just leaves me in this weird time warp place where everything's either going too slow or too fast, but there's always too much to think about. Which is why alcohol (woohoo for legality now!) is also a blessing, lol. Just slooooooooows me down. :) So glad I'm gonna have a bottle of wine this New Years, even if it is in some po-dunk town while we're travelling back to New Mexico. That bottle's all mine.