(no subject)
i put my trust in a lot of people in the past. i told them a lot of things. most of these people have hurt me pretty bad in ways that will never heal. others have just disappeared out of my life. i dont why, and i dont need an explanation. ive been going to church and i dont know why, i dont know what i believe, and i dont know why i cry every time i go. i think i mostly go just to get out of this house, to get away, and even though it sounds wierd, to be alone. im staying pretty busy which is good b/c i dont have time to think so much. i tried to pray, thinking maybe if i felt something i could believe. it felt like someone was holding my hand, or maybe i just wanted to feel that. im not asking anyone to understand. i dont understand. but im not afraid anymore. i feel alone alot even when im surrounded by tons of people, but im becoming numb to it. im making a lot of new friends, they cant replace the old though, they never will, it hurts to say that but thats how it feels. i cant write anymore which sucks b/c writing is my ticket out of here. i need to feel loved right now, i just need to hear it even if its a lie. shit, i just need something just to get me through the day, just to feel worth it, to just fucking wake up and know that if i leave this world it will mean something to someone. i dont know who i am. no one knows whats goin on right now b/c i cant tell anyone, i cant. i dont want to be disappointed anymore, how could i possibly believe anyone who said forever, forever is a lie. a fucked up lie that should never be used, ever.