(no subject)
I feel so unimportant. I've been having so many conflicting feelings. I'm starting to realize things but it doesn't make life any easier. It's really depressing actually.
I mean. I look at my friends. And I know I have friends. Alot of people really do love me and care for my well-being but I miss intimacy. I used to have it with Shan but no matter what I did it didn't work. I couldn't build it by myself. She was just never interested like I was. I don't think alot of people see friends like I do. I see friendship as a very deep relationship built on trust and intimacy. I'm not the kind of person to be hang out with one person one minute and then if shit happens go to the next. I work, and I work, and I work to repair that relationship even if it kills me inside.
She has new friends now. So does she. I'm no longer the one either of them goes to when life is tough. All those memories. I don't have friends anymore who know me inside and out. My calls go unreturned, my effort wasted. I don't have that one friend, that best friend. I don't have that person who is everywhere I go. I don't have that person that cheers me on, the one I can pillow fights with, go out on a Friday night with. I want to go to Florida with someone this summer to see my grandpa, all expenses paid. Can you believe that no one would take that oppurtunity? That no one would jump at it? Where is that best friend?
It's really depressing. I'm talking to my brother tonight and he starts gushing to me about how he wants this girl I know. She is everything opposite me. She's an incredible girl, mind you, but she's very different from me. Well, not completely. How lucky must I have been to find Matt? Thank god, because I am apparently not what men are looking for. I just want it to be like the old days when Leah and me would play Pocahontas and make medicine out of the moss growing on the stone walls, the days when we'd creep up on John Smith because he was such a hot Disney character, the days when we'd play doctor, and dig up the T-Rex claw stuck in the front path's concrete.
There are so many deeper things in life that I don't want to keep inside. I think I'm going to start keeping a personal diary. There are just too many things I want to say that I can't say because they're too personal. I like LJ but I can't keep these things inside.
I mean. I look at my friends. And I know I have friends. Alot of people really do love me and care for my well-being but I miss intimacy. I used to have it with Shan but no matter what I did it didn't work. I couldn't build it by myself. She was just never interested like I was. I don't think alot of people see friends like I do. I see friendship as a very deep relationship built on trust and intimacy. I'm not the kind of person to be hang out with one person one minute and then if shit happens go to the next. I work, and I work, and I work to repair that relationship even if it kills me inside.
She has new friends now. So does she. I'm no longer the one either of them goes to when life is tough. All those memories. I don't have friends anymore who know me inside and out. My calls go unreturned, my effort wasted. I don't have that one friend, that best friend. I don't have that person who is everywhere I go. I don't have that person that cheers me on, the one I can pillow fights with, go out on a Friday night with. I want to go to Florida with someone this summer to see my grandpa, all expenses paid. Can you believe that no one would take that oppurtunity? That no one would jump at it? Where is that best friend?
It's really depressing. I'm talking to my brother tonight and he starts gushing to me about how he wants this girl I know. She is everything opposite me. She's an incredible girl, mind you, but she's very different from me. Well, not completely. How lucky must I have been to find Matt? Thank god, because I am apparently not what men are looking for. I just want it to be like the old days when Leah and me would play Pocahontas and make medicine out of the moss growing on the stone walls, the days when we'd creep up on John Smith because he was such a hot Disney character, the days when we'd play doctor, and dig up the T-Rex claw stuck in the front path's concrete.
There are so many deeper things in life that I don't want to keep inside. I think I'm going to start keeping a personal diary. There are just too many things I want to say that I can't say because they're too personal. I like LJ but I can't keep these things inside.