(no subject)
Today just sucked even though we made over a 1000 bux for the Cystic Fibrosis Fund. I'm really happy and proud of Matt. It turned out wonderful. It was non-stop today. I had to wake up early. Run around like a chicken without a head. I was in charge of the raffle and we made a good $320 right off of that but people were just flooding the table and I was just constantly going. I lost pool to my dad twice. I played horrible. Just like shit. I was so confident I was going to win. I'm just so competitive in everything I do. I can't help it. I don't want to be this way. I'm not as beautiful as xperson. Xperson's my friend and I shouldn't care. I just feel so shitting ugly. I want bigger boobs. I want to look my age. I want to be taller. I used to feel smart. Lately Matt and I have been working together and I can't get anything and he just breezes through EVERYTHING and I feel like such a dumb fuck. I don't even know what the fuck I want to do with my life. I thought I did but now it's just another thing I must deal with. After the raffle I had to clean up. After that I had to go home and clean up Matt's basement so that I could keep the kittens clean. I had to sweep up dirt and litter and 40% of it went in the air. So I breathed that in. Then I brought home the kittens. I bathed, soaped, combed, picked dead fleas out of their fur and blowdried 6 kittens. Then after that the tub was full of dirty, furry water with dead fleas so I had to scrub the tub out with soap and a brillo pad. Then we went out to eat with Wendy and her sister Sabrina. That was fun but then we went over Josh's and he had the firepit going and the smoke form the pine gave me a headache. Stacy kicked my ass like 10x. These are such immature things to be upset over but they bother me. I need to sleep. I need some frickin sleep. I shouldn't have taken on these kittens. I just got rid of the others. Now I have to get up early in the morning, have my mom drop me off. I have to scoop there shit, clean out their food and water bowls, change the blankets. Sweep up. Run back up and down the stairs to change the water. I can't leave them at the shelter. I just can't. I'd feel so guilty just knowing that they are down there when they could be at a nice home. I am absolutely exhausted and I have to pull my ass to the bathroom brush my teeth, take my medicine, wash my smeared brown eyeliner and mascara off of my eyes, get into my pajamas. I'm contemplating just saying "fuck it" and jumping into the sheets in my underwear and a tee. That'd be soooo cold though. I hate girls with big boobs. Well I dont hate them. They make me feel small. All the girls walking around Boston Billiard in tight black mini dresses with their boobs squeezed in. I need to go to the beach. I need to put on my bathing suit. I need to get some money. I need to feel better because I'm sick. I don't think my prom dress jewelry does enough for me. It's so small. I had a sleepover with Jess planned but she couldn't make it which I complteley understand it's just a bummer. She's going to Montreal. I want to get away. Ahhhh. Well, talking to Wendy helped. I guess I just need to have some sweet dreams.