(no subject)
So life is very wierd lately. I want something physical to drastically change about me. I talked to Leah about this. My hair I asked? She said my hair was great the way it was. What could I possibly do with it? It is decent. What color would I dye it? What style would I make it? I just don't like who I see in the mirror. I've been sick as a dog for two days straight. I slept on my face for hours and was rewarded with 2 pimples. I've realized that no matter what I do my parents will always be 2 steps behind me. If I got an apartment I wouldn't put it past them to drive by and see who was in the driveway at random times. No escape from them and their values and morals which pull me down into the ground. I am my own person. But not really. I have to hide the real me...or move to Japan.
I look like I'm 12. I need to grow bigger boobs, grow an inch or two taller and start shopping at places that make me look older. Matt and I's 1 years is coming in a little more than a month. We have discussed this openly. I love him so much. Even so, I think I love him more than I know. And I think it's going to take some dumb ass decision for me to realize the truth. But I think I need to make that dumb ass decision if I'm ever going to be happy without reservation. I don't want to make that dumb ass decision. What I actually want to do is crawl into a hole and...well not die, but something where I don't have to use my mind.
All I do is compare myself. She got a huge scholarship, she has nicer hair, she's taller, she's thinner, I'm dumb, I applied to one college. But what does it matter if I did? It's the only college I want to get into. I will get into it with no doubt in my mind. Why do I care if other people announce acceptance after acceptance into college? I choose to go to a $10000 a year college and I won't get a scholarship for that small a tuition. So why do I feel threatened? Why am I so unbelieveably nervous and upset about a contest that will have one winner and 48 losers. Why do I feel threatened when others announce how great there significant others are? I'm good, right? Who cares if I'm one of the 48 losers? Will it dictate my life? NOOOOOO. So stop it Meghan. For godsakes. Just be happy with who you are and stop analyzing every bit and frickin piece of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
I walked in my room today. It was messy. I started crying. Emotionally unstable? Just scratching the surface.
I look like I'm 12. I need to grow bigger boobs, grow an inch or two taller and start shopping at places that make me look older. Matt and I's 1 years is coming in a little more than a month. We have discussed this openly. I love him so much. Even so, I think I love him more than I know. And I think it's going to take some dumb ass decision for me to realize the truth. But I think I need to make that dumb ass decision if I'm ever going to be happy without reservation. I don't want to make that dumb ass decision. What I actually want to do is crawl into a hole and...well not die, but something where I don't have to use my mind.
All I do is compare myself. She got a huge scholarship, she has nicer hair, she's taller, she's thinner, I'm dumb, I applied to one college. But what does it matter if I did? It's the only college I want to get into. I will get into it with no doubt in my mind. Why do I care if other people announce acceptance after acceptance into college? I choose to go to a $10000 a year college and I won't get a scholarship for that small a tuition. So why do I feel threatened? Why am I so unbelieveably nervous and upset about a contest that will have one winner and 48 losers. Why do I feel threatened when others announce how great there significant others are? I'm good, right? Who cares if I'm one of the 48 losers? Will it dictate my life? NOOOOOO. So stop it Meghan. For godsakes. Just be happy with who you are and stop analyzing every bit and frickin piece of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
I walked in my room today. It was messy. I started crying. Emotionally unstable? Just scratching the surface.