(no subject)
I am depressed.
I have an eating disorder.
I have my first counciling session on Monday, but I'm scared... I'm scared of someone I don't know telling me that there's something seriously wrong with me. I feel like I'm beyond repair.
In an attempt not to fall back into the arms of my good old friend "bulimia" I am attempting to starve myself until I've lost enough weight that I don't feel like a complete whale and think constantly about how I want to slice myself open to rip the fat out of my body.
In 2 days I have consumed:
1 x bowl of soup
1 x small portion of casserole my mum made
Both of these I ate purely because I was pretty much forced into eating it.
After both of them I wanted to be sick.
If I had been alone and not had watchful eyes on me I would have done.
Instead I sat there pretending I was so glad to have something down me.
Inside I was wondering how they'd notice if I slipped away...
Yes, I am back in the throws of an eating disorder. Again. The worst thing is that I'm not stupid and I know I have this wrong with me. It really hit me yesterday how much it's really effecting my mental health, my physical health, and my life.
My social life is about to take a nose dive:
- No more getting stoned and munchies
- No more eating out in restaurants
- No more take aways in front of DVDs
- No more drinking pints at the pub
- No more drinking full stop really.
The thing is I know I'm going to fall of the wagon. That is the worst part. Next week my Mum is on holiday for a week and her boyfriend is going to propose to her (but she doesn't know yet) and I know what will happen. My new boyfriend is staying with me which will mean 2 things:
1) I'll cave into some form of eating
2) I'll sneak off to be sick
The only problem is he will be looking out for me. He knows about my problems and said he won't stand by and watch me do that to myself no matter what I threaten him with. It's both comforting but frustrating. What a contradiction!
The only thing I'm hoping will save me from eating so much crap that week is the amount of substances that will be in my body that surpress appetite. With some luck I won't even want to eat!!
One of the exercises I've been told to do is to keep a record of my feelings. Well there's a tangent of my current thoughts going around my head at this very moment. Enjoy the Diary of a Bulimic Waster with severe 'Emotional' issues.
I have an eating disorder.
I have my first counciling session on Monday, but I'm scared... I'm scared of someone I don't know telling me that there's something seriously wrong with me. I feel like I'm beyond repair.
In an attempt not to fall back into the arms of my good old friend "bulimia" I am attempting to starve myself until I've lost enough weight that I don't feel like a complete whale and think constantly about how I want to slice myself open to rip the fat out of my body.
In 2 days I have consumed:
1 x bowl of soup
1 x small portion of casserole my mum made
Both of these I ate purely because I was pretty much forced into eating it.
After both of them I wanted to be sick.
If I had been alone and not had watchful eyes on me I would have done.
Instead I sat there pretending I was so glad to have something down me.
Inside I was wondering how they'd notice if I slipped away...
Yes, I am back in the throws of an eating disorder. Again. The worst thing is that I'm not stupid and I know I have this wrong with me. It really hit me yesterday how much it's really effecting my mental health, my physical health, and my life.
My social life is about to take a nose dive:
- No more getting stoned and munchies
- No more eating out in restaurants
- No more take aways in front of DVDs
- No more drinking pints at the pub
- No more drinking full stop really.
The thing is I know I'm going to fall of the wagon. That is the worst part. Next week my Mum is on holiday for a week and her boyfriend is going to propose to her (but she doesn't know yet) and I know what will happen. My new boyfriend is staying with me which will mean 2 things:
1) I'll cave into some form of eating
2) I'll sneak off to be sick
The only problem is he will be looking out for me. He knows about my problems and said he won't stand by and watch me do that to myself no matter what I threaten him with. It's both comforting but frustrating. What a contradiction!
The only thing I'm hoping will save me from eating so much crap that week is the amount of substances that will be in my body that surpress appetite. With some luck I won't even want to eat!!
One of the exercises I've been told to do is to keep a record of my feelings. Well there's a tangent of my current thoughts going around my head at this very moment. Enjoy the Diary of a Bulimic Waster with severe 'Emotional' issues.