leaving again...
I'm lying on the beach by my family's beach house while i'm writing this, with the tide rushing in and the waves angrily crashing onto shore.
I cannot believe that i am leaving all these again for the second time. The first time i left seemed like a natural progression to my increasingly somewhat nomadic ways, but this time, it doesnt feel like it is.
I have been here the past 8 months, and as of today, only have 30 days before i have to pick up and move to Germany. Take about 14 days of that for my trip across Southeast Asia.
This has been the longest that i have lived at "home" my whole adult life. And right now, i am experiencing pangs of guilt and uncertainty. Guilty because i'm leaving for myself ad knowing that i'll be missing out on a lot of their lives. Uncertainty because even though i know where i'm going, i don't know what else is in store for me.
I definitely know that i'm going to miss my siblings and my family. A lot. This was something that i realized, is very important in my life. The presence of a support group, and even though i dont agree with my family in so many ways, i know that they'll be there to support me against all odds.
It is the same thing with friends, good friends. They were somewhat my support group in the big NYC, yet i knew they were there behind me and with me each step of the way.
One of my really closest friends' (and family) mom was recebtly diagnosed with a brain tumor. I can't even fathom how i would feel if this happened to any of my immediate family, mush lest if i were 10000 miles away.
The past 8 months have been great, and I feel like i have shared so much with everyone here, but i know there is so much more.
I'm scared of not being able to find the same things that i fall back on where i'm going. That sense of security, of being "home". I have somehow succumbed to routine, and have grown comfortable with familiarity, things which i never thought i'd find myself having before.
I feel like an idiot crying amidst all this beauty and nature. As it stands, i know that there is that next great adventure coming up, and that i will always find myself coming back home no matter what, and i hope these feelings fade away or at least becomes easier to bear with each wave that comes crashing to shore.
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