sunday.
All of my memories and associations
Lost their innocence
In one single split second.
I feel alienated in my own home.
It's completely wrong I tell you.
I've lived here for seven years.
I shouldn't just lose all of the good feelings like this.
Not to mention the chance to get all of the good feelings back.
Sunday night I couldn't turn the key.
I couldn't flip the light switch...
Or breathe the air inside the house,
Knowing that she was the last one
To touch the knob, the switch,
To breathe that air.
I can't bear to look at the mess we've made, searching for all of the greatest belongings. And important documents...Things she always meant to be for us after she left. Money she hid for a funeral. I can't get my head to think straight at all.
I walk up to the microwave and want to use it, but think it must not be able to work
Because my Omi isn't here anymore to turn the start knob. She'll never use it again so therefore it cannot possibly work. I can't touch the dried dishes in the sink
Knowing that she was the one to put them there. I can't use the dried kitchen knife
Because again, she used it last. And can never use it again.
I want to take all of the food sitting around the kitchen, because I can't stand to think that it will just sit here...That she'll never eat any of it.
...And some crazy voice in my head keeps telling me that I have to pack up all of the food, mail, clothes, makeup...Any daily needed items really, and put them all into one huge duffel bag just so that I can save them for her. Because she can't really be gone can she? She's gonna be back soon. She'll need her things.
She has her visit home to Germany trip to look forward to.
She was my mom.
Maybe not the one that birthed me,
But definetly the one that shared
A tremendous chunk in raising me.
And now I'm being told that she's just..
...An empty body?
Nononono.
Everyone is just confused.
She's coming back.
She'll be pulling up in her little Red 1984 Mercury Capri any minute now.
She'll even honk her horn at my mom for taking up the driveway.
I love that horn. Can't ever mistake it.
Crap.
Even going to school tomorrow is going to remind me of her.
< edit >
School keeps bringing back these "voice memories"...
I'm remembering things she's told me throughout the years,
Things she told me throughout these past few months.
I lost my only constant in life.
I'm so lost right now.
Lost their innocence
In one single split second.
I feel alienated in my own home.
It's completely wrong I tell you.
I've lived here for seven years.
I shouldn't just lose all of the good feelings like this.
Not to mention the chance to get all of the good feelings back.
Sunday night I couldn't turn the key.
I couldn't flip the light switch...
Or breathe the air inside the house,
Knowing that she was the last one
To touch the knob, the switch,
To breathe that air.
I can't bear to look at the mess we've made, searching for all of the greatest belongings. And important documents...Things she always meant to be for us after she left. Money she hid for a funeral. I can't get my head to think straight at all.
I walk up to the microwave and want to use it, but think it must not be able to work
Because my Omi isn't here anymore to turn the start knob. She'll never use it again so therefore it cannot possibly work. I can't touch the dried dishes in the sink
Knowing that she was the one to put them there. I can't use the dried kitchen knife
Because again, she used it last. And can never use it again.
I want to take all of the food sitting around the kitchen, because I can't stand to think that it will just sit here...That she'll never eat any of it.
...And some crazy voice in my head keeps telling me that I have to pack up all of the food, mail, clothes, makeup...Any daily needed items really, and put them all into one huge duffel bag just so that I can save them for her. Because she can't really be gone can she? She's gonna be back soon. She'll need her things.
She has her visit home to Germany trip to look forward to.
She was my mom.
Maybe not the one that birthed me,
But definetly the one that shared
A tremendous chunk in raising me.
And now I'm being told that she's just..
...An empty body?
Nononono.
Everyone is just confused.
She's coming back.
She'll be pulling up in her little Red 1984 Mercury Capri any minute now.
She'll even honk her horn at my mom for taking up the driveway.
I love that horn. Can't ever mistake it.
Crap.
Even going to school tomorrow is going to remind me of her.
< edit >
School keeps bringing back these "voice memories"...
I'm remembering things she's told me throughout the years,
Things she told me throughout these past few months.
I lost my only constant in life.
I'm so lost right now.