(no subject)
one of my LJ friends posted this:
i realized tonight that i like missing boys more then i like being with them, that's what really gives me chills. because then i can fantasize and anything can happen and all the boys i've ever met are prince charming.
( and i remember every gesture was chivalrous and charming. )
it's not the link nor the pics that got my attention. i am absolutely taken-aback by her ability to read my mind. here's my entry:
it's funny. i used to miss him. now, i could really care less. i finally realized one day that i was just lacking closure, that i didn't really want to be *with* him ever again. did i just suddenly forget this epiphany? why did i agree to *try again.* i knew that's not what i wanted. why can't i say *no*? i think i want him to break up with me. yes. cuz i know i won't do it to him three times... it's the want that keeps me alive, not the having. but what do i have, really? gah. i hate this.
EDIT:
i feel like one of those girls who dates a guy, just to say she has a bf.
i mean, i can't think of a single reason why i'm going back out with him, besides that it's nice to have someone to care, and someone to randomly stop in at my work just for a makeout session.
it's funny, i used to long to be with him so bad. i used to. and then i had a realization, that even if i did still have feelings for him, i didn't want to be *with* him again; i was just lacking closure. and weeks/months after this realization, why is it that i suddenly find myself *going out* with him again. at least, i think that's what we're doing. i'm not too sure, but i know he's taking it pretty seriously. he always does.
it's really quite pathetic how i let myself get in these situations. i always pride myself on being strong-willed. i guess i need to realize i'm not. at all.
the first time we went out, wow, i don't even remember how it started. oh, wait, sure i do. he asked me on the phone, and i just told him "don't have any expectations." the second time, i never even said i wanted to go back out. he just started telling people that we were. and so we did. i guess. this time, we had our fun at camp, and the dance, and avoiding his mother, and on the busride home he asked if I wanted to try at *us* again. I think i had a brainfreeze when I said sure. And it's not that I'm regretting having ever dated him, he was a nice obsession for a while. And I think I've learned a lot about myself [and to trust the judgement of my friends].
We'll see how things work out though. I don't want to be too much of a dumb*ass. I'm really good at that.
Allie woke up 8AM
Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.
When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.
And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.
CHORUS:
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime
It felt like a lifetime
And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through
You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."
[CHORUS]
Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?
When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.
But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.
When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.
[CHORUS]
Felt like a lifetime.
i realized tonight that i like missing boys more then i like being with them, that's what really gives me chills. because then i can fantasize and anything can happen and all the boys i've ever met are prince charming.
( and i remember every gesture was chivalrous and charming. )
it's not the link nor the pics that got my attention. i am absolutely taken-aback by her ability to read my mind. here's my entry:
it's funny. i used to miss him. now, i could really care less. i finally realized one day that i was just lacking closure, that i didn't really want to be *with* him ever again. did i just suddenly forget this epiphany? why did i agree to *try again.* i knew that's not what i wanted. why can't i say *no*? i think i want him to break up with me. yes. cuz i know i won't do it to him three times... it's the want that keeps me alive, not the having. but what do i have, really? gah. i hate this.
EDIT:
i feel like one of those girls who dates a guy, just to say she has a bf.
i mean, i can't think of a single reason why i'm going back out with him, besides that it's nice to have someone to care, and someone to randomly stop in at my work just for a makeout session.
it's funny, i used to long to be with him so bad. i used to. and then i had a realization, that even if i did still have feelings for him, i didn't want to be *with* him again; i was just lacking closure. and weeks/months after this realization, why is it that i suddenly find myself *going out* with him again. at least, i think that's what we're doing. i'm not too sure, but i know he's taking it pretty seriously. he always does.
it's really quite pathetic how i let myself get in these situations. i always pride myself on being strong-willed. i guess i need to realize i'm not. at all.
the first time we went out, wow, i don't even remember how it started. oh, wait, sure i do. he asked me on the phone, and i just told him "don't have any expectations." the second time, i never even said i wanted to go back out. he just started telling people that we were. and so we did. i guess. this time, we had our fun at camp, and the dance, and avoiding his mother, and on the busride home he asked if I wanted to try at *us* again. I think i had a brainfreeze when I said sure. And it's not that I'm regretting having ever dated him, he was a nice obsession for a while. And I think I've learned a lot about myself [and to trust the judgement of my friends].
We'll see how things work out though. I don't want to be too much of a dumb*ass. I'm really good at that.
Allie woke up 8AM
Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.
When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.
And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.
CHORUS:
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime
It felt like a lifetime
And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through
You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."
[CHORUS]
Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?
When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.
But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.
When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.
[CHORUS]
Felt like a lifetime.