Where My Mind Has Been Lately...
I've been feeling really nostalgic lately.
It seems that everywhere I go I'm reminded of things from my past.
Not just from a few years ago, but from my childhood and high school years.
On my way home from work I can easily pass my old Elementary School, Jr High and High School, in that order. For some reason it makes me remember my past.
I don't really miss being a child...
In fact, I'm glad I'm an adult now.
I guess I just miss how I felt.
Everything seemed so much easier or simple.
I may not have felt like it at the time, but I was happier then.
Maybe I've let everything in my life become too serious lately.
I don't know...
Maybe I've been around here for too long...
It seems that everything looks the same, but everything is different...
As a result of thinking so much of the times from before, I've begun to really miss the people I haven't talked to in a long time.
I've been thinking about calling Alex soon...
I haven't spoken to him in about a year.
I wonder how he's doing, how his studies are going...
Inevitability with all of this thinking comes waves of regret and guilt for the things I have done in the past, the way I've treated people and made them feel.
Even after all this time, I still can't seem to get away from it.
For a while I'll be ok and I'll think that I've gotten over all of it and it really is in the past.
And then out of nowhere, there it all is again...
And I feel like it all just happened yesterday.
I know that living in past is dangerous and can lead to problems...
I don't really think that is what I've been suffering from lately.
I think I'm having a hard time letting things go.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I dwell on things too much sometimes.
I just need to deal with the fact that I've made mistakes like anyone else...
What's done is done...
I can't take back the things I'd said or done...
The hurt I've delivered and the hate I've created.
I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't ever again do the things that have caused people hurt in the past.
So far I have stuck that rule and it has paid off.
Not only would I ever dream of doing those things now, but others have noticed that I've changed too.
In the last year, quite a few people who thought I was a bad person have realized that I'm not and given me a chance to be their friend.
For that I am grateful.
Completely off the topic...
Things between Mark and I seem to be ok now.
I'm sure we'll eventually talk about all the bullshit that transpired right before Sez and I started dating...
Find out exactly who really said what.
But for right now I really don't care all much...
I'm just glad that one of my closest friends had decided to start talking to me again.
I really missed him during the months that we didn't speak.
I ran into Heidi the other day...
We both startled each other because we didn't recognize each other right away and when we did it was a surprise.
We had a laugh about how different we each looked since the last time we saw each other. I enjoyed talking to her. We got caught up on what the other has been up to and talked about other things. She always manages to make me feel comfortable...
She seems to understand what I'm going through at any given time and support the way I feel. I suppose it always makes someone feel good when another person does that.
I start school next week...
I'm a little nervous.
I guess it's because I'm not going to De Anza and I don't really know what to expect.
To be perfectly honest, I'm also afraid I won't be smart enough to actually do well at a university. I know it's stupid of me to think that because I have always done well in school or anything else I've decided to do...
I guess I just don't want to disappoint myself.
I'll have to wait and see how it goes.
And now I'm tired...
It seems that everywhere I go I'm reminded of things from my past.
Not just from a few years ago, but from my childhood and high school years.
On my way home from work I can easily pass my old Elementary School, Jr High and High School, in that order. For some reason it makes me remember my past.
I don't really miss being a child...
In fact, I'm glad I'm an adult now.
I guess I just miss how I felt.
Everything seemed so much easier or simple.
I may not have felt like it at the time, but I was happier then.
Maybe I've let everything in my life become too serious lately.
I don't know...
Maybe I've been around here for too long...
It seems that everything looks the same, but everything is different...
As a result of thinking so much of the times from before, I've begun to really miss the people I haven't talked to in a long time.
I've been thinking about calling Alex soon...
I haven't spoken to him in about a year.
I wonder how he's doing, how his studies are going...
Inevitability with all of this thinking comes waves of regret and guilt for the things I have done in the past, the way I've treated people and made them feel.
Even after all this time, I still can't seem to get away from it.
For a while I'll be ok and I'll think that I've gotten over all of it and it really is in the past.
And then out of nowhere, there it all is again...
And I feel like it all just happened yesterday.
I know that living in past is dangerous and can lead to problems...
I don't really think that is what I've been suffering from lately.
I think I'm having a hard time letting things go.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I dwell on things too much sometimes.
I just need to deal with the fact that I've made mistakes like anyone else...
What's done is done...
I can't take back the things I'd said or done...
The hurt I've delivered and the hate I've created.
I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't ever again do the things that have caused people hurt in the past.
So far I have stuck that rule and it has paid off.
Not only would I ever dream of doing those things now, but others have noticed that I've changed too.
In the last year, quite a few people who thought I was a bad person have realized that I'm not and given me a chance to be their friend.
For that I am grateful.
Completely off the topic...
Things between Mark and I seem to be ok now.
I'm sure we'll eventually talk about all the bullshit that transpired right before Sez and I started dating...
Find out exactly who really said what.
But for right now I really don't care all much...
I'm just glad that one of my closest friends had decided to start talking to me again.
I really missed him during the months that we didn't speak.
I ran into Heidi the other day...
We both startled each other because we didn't recognize each other right away and when we did it was a surprise.
We had a laugh about how different we each looked since the last time we saw each other. I enjoyed talking to her. We got caught up on what the other has been up to and talked about other things. She always manages to make me feel comfortable...
She seems to understand what I'm going through at any given time and support the way I feel. I suppose it always makes someone feel good when another person does that.
I start school next week...
I'm a little nervous.
I guess it's because I'm not going to De Anza and I don't really know what to expect.
To be perfectly honest, I'm also afraid I won't be smart enough to actually do well at a university. I know it's stupid of me to think that because I have always done well in school or anything else I've decided to do...
I guess I just don't want to disappoint myself.
I'll have to wait and see how it goes.
And now I'm tired...