what was the question?
Dear me
Sometimes I wonder what to do with you. Lets play a recap of your last year to see what the hell you are thinking. First let me just say that I dont think you have made any major wrong decisions. Its just that this has been a bit of a bumpy ride, and Im not sure if you know what you are getting yourself into.
March 2007... what were you doing? School. School during the week, coffee shop, job interviews, and seeing Clay on weekends. I guess I thought I was happy. Just closing a chapter. April came and went into May. The money month. Graduated, and Clay poped that aweful question. At the time you werent sure what to make of it. You thought... meh I have gone this far might as well keep going, and dont lie to yourself. The feelings were there, but they were built on so many false promises. Promises of being swept away... only to find out that you would be swept away to your parents house with him the basement, months with no sex, and a never filling bank account because you had to feed a horse man of some kind. There were some good things I guess. The fact that I always had someone to talk to... but then again, It wasnt ever me talking. I couldnt come home and say " hi honey, the best part of my day was seeing this guy at work, and the worst part was getting in my car coming home to this." Not him... not all the time. It was the situation. Never working, always sad, no friends, latching on to my every move. Couldnt be alone for a second.. I had no time for me. Which is what I thought I wanted so bad, and its absolutely all I will have soon. So that summed up the year in a paragraph or two... I guess going through each month would be overdramatic and a bit boring.
So lets just get to it. Today... March 2008. Ive been single in my mind now for five months, and physcially single to the world for one month. Its hard because everyone thinks i should be hurting, and all I want to do is celebrate. I finally get to be myself. Im not judged for what I do or say. I can make jokes without getting that look like Im a bad person. I can talk to my family without feeling guilty because for some reason they are not good. Eventhough good is all they ever have been.
Feelings? Not even sure what those are. I cried once... maybe twice after the initial physical break up. Packing up those giant shoes, and putting clothes that I bought him into trash bags had a promenent symbolic effect on me. That was heavy but only for a moment. Its finishing that chapter that takes a toll. Leaving highschool, college, break ups, death. There is always an end to everything and sometimes its not the actual end of the situation that is scary but the begining of a new unknown that makes me worry. Oh yeah feelings... I have some. For someone. I think. Not a big deal. I wanted to put those feelings here first in me, but sometimes things happen that you cant plan. I know he does, but he is trying not to and is much better than I am. But again he has had more practice. He wonders if i left clay for him, and Clay wonders the same. They can both rest easy because I left Clay for myself, and I have feelings for him because inside I know that he is what I want...well almost and right now almost is good enough But when its lonely in the dark and the switch is in reach whats the problem with a little light?