uh blah bitty blah

[alwaysconfused1]

I was fine. I was going good. Everything (personally) seemed to be plateauing... not with who I want it to or anyone at all, but plateauing none the less. I really want him but it's pretty much at the "snowball's chance in hell" level. He doesn't want me, I don't think he ever did. I can try until I'm blue in the face but then I'll just end up looking like a pathetic fool throwing myself at him. That's one of the last things I need. I thought I was gonna get my life put together for once. Have the chance to be happy but that obviously is not going to happen anytime soon. No job. No man. Hardly any REAL friends anymore... at least hardly anyone I want to waste my time calling to chill or do whatever... All I have is a bedroom (finally) and 2 completely platonic male roommates. I haven't gotten laid in who knows how long at this point and I haven't gotten laid PROPERLY in even longer... Not that anyone needed to know that but its a fact. It would just be nice to be able to lie in bed with someone next to me, to cuddle with. But than again that would be asking too much now wouldn't it?! I want someone to rub my back while we're laying on the couch together, someone who I can give a massage to when I feel froggy to do so (and for some reason that actually happens). I want someone to cook dinner for and who will do the dishes when we're done eating... Fuck someone else, I just want to go back to how I was before everything made me want to cry. I miss not crying. I loved the look on peoples faces when I told them I don't cry and I can't remember the last time I did. I'm just not myself anymore... at least not all the time. Sometimes I feel normal but most of the time I feel like I'm loosing my damn mind or I'm failing or God knows what the hell else is going through my mind. I can't even think straight anymore. It's nice having Billy around though since he's just a goof ball but he's also kinda cuddly sometimes... I just feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm stuck watching them move further and further away from me without looking back. I need a vacation, a real vacation. I want to see the ocean. Not Lake Michigan. Not a freaking river. Not the the Land Between the Lakes. Not Wildcat Lake. I want to see the freaking ocean. I wanna stay in a hotel. And go in shops I've never heard of and no one outside of the town has ever heard of. I wanna leave the freaking midwest. I feel like I'm stuck in this huge bubble that no one can see, not even me. A corporate bubble, a personal bubble, a feaking bubble that just blocks me from moving forward in anything in my life. I hate the fact that I don't have a job because I'm pretty damn sure the roomies are worried, whether they'll admit it or not. It's just so tiring to constantly have to fix everything. Not only am I constantly trying to fix my life but (thanks to the wonderful genetics I got from my parents) I'm also finding myself to be a total people pleaser... although you'd never think it but ask anybody close to me and I'm always bending over backwards to help everyone and I can't help myself.

WHY MUST ALIAS END!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?