Put that in your back pocket.
It's very interesting to me that certain things in your life you remember like it were yesterday, no matter how long ago it was...Man, the details u remember. It's the moments that changed you in some way, you will always remember. I'll never forget tattle tale-ing in pre-school, when I was like 4, on some boy who said "asshole". He got his mouth washed out with soap and even though he was wrong saying a curse word, I felt so bad, I told myself I'd never be a narc again. Well another memory has come to mind recently as I've reflected on my current situation and I felt compelled to share. Hopefully you can read my personality as I type.
When I was 15, I was riding shotgun with my sister on our way to school at like 6 in the morning. Sun hadn't risen yet. We were in our yellow mini van, "the twinkie"...jackie was wearing a white shirt. In my hazy fog "that was morning" I felt the urge to ask my sister a question. I always thought she was a beautiful girl, despite her insecurities of awkward stages growing up. We had just pulled into the school and was circling looking for parking and I asked her...how come you never dress up to go to school? you never do your hair, you throw on your glasses and roll out of bed and go jeans and baggy T every day. Don't you care?
She shrugged.
It was silent for about 30 seconds. I began to immediately think...SHIT...i probably offended her and made things worse. Then she said something I'll never forget...she said, "Well kristen...if I got dressed up every day and looked my best and people STILL rejected me or didn't think I was pretty, I dont think I could handle that. This way, I KNOW I'm not my best, I expect them to reject it....so if they don't like me...it's ok, b/c I know I'm better. I remember at the time thinking it was an interesting thing to say...and although I never thought it affected me, the older and older I get, I think it may have, bc that's the only reason I remember that moment and every detail more than things that happened even this morning.
I think I'm afraid to be my best too. Sounds like an infomercial I know haha...but stay with me. I think I half ass a lot of things, b/c if I do my best at something and fail, then I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am my own worst enemy. I'm such a control freak that I plan out every outcome; good or bad. I'm addicted to self sabotage.
I don't try things that I know I won't succeed at...and if i do, and at any point I feel unsure, I sabotage it. As much as people always think I'm a risk taker...i don't think I am at all. I think I just have a great intuition, and I know which risks will work and which ones won't...so in theory they aren't risks at all. It's almost like I'm just a great card counter....and if you are a great card counter, there is no surprise...no risk...u know you'll win. I've accomplished a lot in my life and a lot of friends and family always say "holy shit that's so exciting" at some things I've done/accomplished, but I dont think I've EVER had that feeling...EVER. I haven't EVER gotten something in my life that I didn't know I was going to get. I've never jumped up and down with excitement and been in shock over something. It's weird, b/c u'd think a lof of things I've done would be exciting or shocking, but they haven't been. I am not a risk taker. I am safe...very safe. And safety has gotten me nowhere...well, nowhere near where I want to be.
I was valedictorian...honors society...student council president...captain of the of the swim team...homecoming queen lol....graduated from college Suma Cum Laude....always with a knack for math and deductive reasoning...and There is no reason, as I look around at my life right now, that I should be in this situation...b/c I am better than this and I know it. I settled. I settle a long time ago and didn't live up to my potential. I entered college double majoring in pre-law and mathematics, minoring in Hebrew, German and Aramaic...and came out a Film Major. lol Granted it was fun and I love what I do, but I think I took the safe route. I think I sold myself short on my potential. If you're wondering, I wanted to be a computer hacker in the CIA lol. No seriously, I did. Don't laugh. I talked myself out of it, saying I'd never make it b/c some kid applying has been hacking since he was 8 and I'd never be as good. And story-telling...making movies...i was good at. Didn't have to learn much besides if I preferred avid or fcp...
I guess the moral of the story is...if you keep wearing those jeans and baggy T every day, you not only fool other people, but you eventually start fooling yourself. You start seeing yourself as that person and forget what you are capable of actually doing. My sister didn't stay that girl on the drive to school...and to be honest, it was surprising. I admit, regretfully that I had low hopes for her, despite her ridiculously high IQ, b/c I didn't think she had enough self esteem. I thought she'd use her kids as an excuse to be lazy and never make anything of her brilliant mind...I'm ashamed to even admit I thought that...but she suprised me. She has a masters degree, a full time job and husband, 2 kids and another one on the way....oh and she' just turned 27. I guess I hope that I can learn from her now. The problem is getting over that HUGE hurdle I've been scared to jump my entire life.
I know the opportunites I could get into would be endless...i just dont know why i'm afraid to jump on them. As holden caufeild says over and over...i think i'm a phony.
There's no one to blame besides myself. Don't think my brother would be too proud. You live and you learn...if I dont eventually start trying, I'll keep moving slowly.
When I was 15, I was riding shotgun with my sister on our way to school at like 6 in the morning. Sun hadn't risen yet. We were in our yellow mini van, "the twinkie"...jackie was wearing a white shirt. In my hazy fog "that was morning" I felt the urge to ask my sister a question. I always thought she was a beautiful girl, despite her insecurities of awkward stages growing up. We had just pulled into the school and was circling looking for parking and I asked her...how come you never dress up to go to school? you never do your hair, you throw on your glasses and roll out of bed and go jeans and baggy T every day. Don't you care?
She shrugged.
It was silent for about 30 seconds. I began to immediately think...SHIT...i probably offended her and made things worse. Then she said something I'll never forget...she said, "Well kristen...if I got dressed up every day and looked my best and people STILL rejected me or didn't think I was pretty, I dont think I could handle that. This way, I KNOW I'm not my best, I expect them to reject it....so if they don't like me...it's ok, b/c I know I'm better. I remember at the time thinking it was an interesting thing to say...and although I never thought it affected me, the older and older I get, I think it may have, bc that's the only reason I remember that moment and every detail more than things that happened even this morning.
I think I'm afraid to be my best too. Sounds like an infomercial I know haha...but stay with me. I think I half ass a lot of things, b/c if I do my best at something and fail, then I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am my own worst enemy. I'm such a control freak that I plan out every outcome; good or bad. I'm addicted to self sabotage.
I don't try things that I know I won't succeed at...and if i do, and at any point I feel unsure, I sabotage it. As much as people always think I'm a risk taker...i don't think I am at all. I think I just have a great intuition, and I know which risks will work and which ones won't...so in theory they aren't risks at all. It's almost like I'm just a great card counter....and if you are a great card counter, there is no surprise...no risk...u know you'll win. I've accomplished a lot in my life and a lot of friends and family always say "holy shit that's so exciting" at some things I've done/accomplished, but I dont think I've EVER had that feeling...EVER. I haven't EVER gotten something in my life that I didn't know I was going to get. I've never jumped up and down with excitement and been in shock over something. It's weird, b/c u'd think a lof of things I've done would be exciting or shocking, but they haven't been. I am not a risk taker. I am safe...very safe. And safety has gotten me nowhere...well, nowhere near where I want to be.
I was valedictorian...honors society...student council president...captain of the of the swim team...homecoming queen lol....graduated from college Suma Cum Laude....always with a knack for math and deductive reasoning...and There is no reason, as I look around at my life right now, that I should be in this situation...b/c I am better than this and I know it. I settled. I settle a long time ago and didn't live up to my potential. I entered college double majoring in pre-law and mathematics, minoring in Hebrew, German and Aramaic...and came out a Film Major. lol Granted it was fun and I love what I do, but I think I took the safe route. I think I sold myself short on my potential. If you're wondering, I wanted to be a computer hacker in the CIA lol. No seriously, I did. Don't laugh. I talked myself out of it, saying I'd never make it b/c some kid applying has been hacking since he was 8 and I'd never be as good. And story-telling...making movies...i was good at. Didn't have to learn much besides if I preferred avid or fcp...
I guess the moral of the story is...if you keep wearing those jeans and baggy T every day, you not only fool other people, but you eventually start fooling yourself. You start seeing yourself as that person and forget what you are capable of actually doing. My sister didn't stay that girl on the drive to school...and to be honest, it was surprising. I admit, regretfully that I had low hopes for her, despite her ridiculously high IQ, b/c I didn't think she had enough self esteem. I thought she'd use her kids as an excuse to be lazy and never make anything of her brilliant mind...I'm ashamed to even admit I thought that...but she suprised me. She has a masters degree, a full time job and husband, 2 kids and another one on the way....oh and she' just turned 27. I guess I hope that I can learn from her now. The problem is getting over that HUGE hurdle I've been scared to jump my entire life.
I know the opportunites I could get into would be endless...i just dont know why i'm afraid to jump on them. As holden caufeild says over and over...i think i'm a phony.
There's no one to blame besides myself. Don't think my brother would be too proud. You live and you learn...if I dont eventually start trying, I'll keep moving slowly.