Fourth Charm [Voice | Action for those in the cabin]
[Private | Off Network]
This place is a mish mash of confused feelings and thoughts and ideas. I have Harry here and that is enough to make me joyous beyond expression. I also missed sixteen years of his life that I'm not ever going to get back. I don't know how to deal with that loss Sometimes when I hug him, it seems as if he doesn't know how to respond. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still a stranger to him or if it's because he's not been hugged a great deal in his life. I know he lived with Petunia or I'm aware that is a possibility and it breaks my heart. I could ask and I'm certain Harry would not tell me. Severus would, if he knows but I'm not certain I wish to know the details. That's very cowardly of me, isn't it? If my son could stand to live it, I should be able to stand to hear it and yet I think there are some things a mother should never know. Eventually I suppose I'll find out.
If that were all I were cowardly about I suppose it might be excusable but then there's James. I know what happened to him. If logic could not tell me then Harry's eyes do. He's gone. I know that and I try not to think about it. It hurts so much. In some ways we were both aware that we could lose each other at any moment. One does not live in a war and not come to terms with that but it doesn't mean you're ready to lose someone you love and I do love James. Desperately. I think that's what makes it so easy to buy into denial. He's at home, waiting for me and when I return we'll find a way to defeat Voldemort and save our son but I know that's not true. I know that I will never this place, that I can't because I'm dead. I know that James-
I smile and laugh and try to behave normally. I want Harry to get to know his mother. I want him to know who I am and not a grieving widow. I want him to be impressed. I want to be everything he ever imagined I might have been and I'm so afraid of failing. I throw myself blindly into my life here and it leaves me breathless.
I suppose on that front it's a good thing I don't need breath.
[Public]
The City seems normal enough today and that is a relief. It was a particularly nasty bout of curses and I'm assured that November will be better. I certainly hope so.
[Voice--Private to the Gryffindor Cabin]
I'd like to speak to you all in the parlor. I've made tea and more brownies.
[ooc: I'll put a comment thread under here for action for the Cabin. It's the Snape talk. Feel free to make this a free-for-all as far as posting order goes. Tag off Harry's comment or Fred's or Lily's or however you want to do.]
This place is a mish mash of confused feelings and thoughts and ideas. I have Harry here and that is enough to make me joyous beyond expression. I also missed sixteen years of his life that I'm not ever going to get back. I don't know how to deal with that loss Sometimes when I hug him, it seems as if he doesn't know how to respond. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still a stranger to him or if it's because he's not been hugged a great deal in his life. I know he lived with Petunia or I'm aware that is a possibility and it breaks my heart. I could ask and I'm certain Harry would not tell me. Severus would, if he knows but I'm not certain I wish to know the details. That's very cowardly of me, isn't it? If my son could stand to live it, I should be able to stand to hear it and yet I think there are some things a mother should never know. Eventually I suppose I'll find out.
If that were all I were cowardly about I suppose it might be excusable but then there's James. I know what happened to him. If logic could not tell me then Harry's eyes do. He's gone. I know that and I try not to think about it. It hurts so much. In some ways we were both aware that we could lose each other at any moment. One does not live in a war and not come to terms with that but it doesn't mean you're ready to lose someone you love and I do love James. Desperately. I think that's what makes it so easy to buy into denial. He's at home, waiting for me and when I return we'll find a way to defeat Voldemort and save our son but I know that's not true. I know that I will never this place, that I can't because I'm dead. I know that James-
I smile and laugh and try to behave normally. I want Harry to get to know his mother. I want him to know who I am and not a grieving widow. I want him to be impressed. I want to be everything he ever imagined I might have been and I'm so afraid of failing. I throw myself blindly into my life here and it leaves me breathless.
I suppose on that front it's a good thing I don't need breath.
[Public]
The City seems normal enough today and that is a relief. It was a particularly nasty bout of curses and I'm assured that November will be better. I certainly hope so.
[Voice--Private to the Gryffindor Cabin]
I'd like to speak to you all in the parlor. I've made tea and more brownies.
[ooc: I'll put a comment thread under here for action for the Cabin. It's the Snape talk. Feel free to make this a free-for-all as far as posting order goes. Tag off Harry's comment or Fred's or Lily's or however you want to do.]