For Ben...oh boy

[always_zephyr]

If asked, Michael would say he wasn't hiding. So he was reading in his and Wilson's room or in Brian's rather then out on the beach or the rec room, or spending more time in Guy's cave then the compound or not spending hardly any time out of any of the three men's company. It was just Michael being, well Michael and wanting to be around people and

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[r_u_12]

There really wasn't too much to do on the island, and Ben loved it. He had yet to find tofu, which was distressing, but he was finding substitutes and there were a fair amount of vegetables that he could mix to make a pretty decent stir-fry. If nothing else, he was expanding his cooking horizons.

When Ben rounded the corner to the kitchen, there was an ass in the air. An ass he knew very well. In fact, on a normal day, he would have smacked that ass and watched Michael stand up immediately, then have his husband wrap his arms around him and say something very inappropriate for polite company. That was his Michael. And this? Wasn't. He had to remember that.

So, instead, he licked his lips, centering himself, deliberately willing any nervousness away.

"Hello, Michael." His lips were curved up into the beginnings of a smile. He had no idea if Michael would even know who he was. He had no idea how far in their future he was. But he was going to find out.

[always_zephyr]

Michael had found both bowl and pan was was backing out of the cabinet when that dreaded voice said his name. He tried to stand up quickly, smacked his head on the top of the cabinet, dropped the bowl and pan with a loud clatter and cursed rather loudly. So even without a smack on the ass there was Michael standing up and saying something not fit for polite company.

Taking a moment to catch his breath and rub the tender back of his head, Michael finally stood up and turned around, leaving the bowl and pan where they had fallen. And nearly collapsed.

There he was. Ben Bruckner. The object of many dreams Michael had had since coming to the island. And God, did he look good. Michael could barely believe he was standing right there in front of him...

and expecting a Michael that he wasn't. He gave a small sigh before smiling gently, unable to speak very loud just incase it gave away how terrified he was at this very moment. "Hey Ben."

[r_u_12]

"Whoa, watch it, there," Ben said, a small chuckle apparent in his voice, and he seemed to glide forward and set his hand on the back of Michael's head, rubbing gently. "Are you alright, there?" He was smiling, then. A soft, rich smile in close proximity to Michael, arms strong in contrast. Fuck, Michael was so gorgeous.

[always_zephyr]

And Ben in close proximity was even more terrifying then Ben just being in the room. And god that smile was gorgeous. Still Michael smiled bashfully when he stepped back and away from him. "Yeah I'm fine. You startled me." He swallowed the rest of what he was going to say, something along the lines of 'more then usual'.

And a voice in a back of his head kept questioning why such a gorgeous man had fallen in love with him of all people.

[r_u_12]

The smile faded. Hunter was right. Michael- his Michael- knew who he was, and didn't love him. Michael never would have pulled away from him, never would have denied Hunter everything they'd worked so hard to give him, and never would have kept from smiling back.

So, Ben stepped back. It was the most painful step he'd ever taken.

"Oh. I- sorry." He conjured a weak smile. "I'm just... happy to see you."

[always_zephyr]

Michael watched the smile fade and felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He should have seen the hope in Ben's eyes...because now he definatly saw the absence of it. oh god, look what he had done now. As if hurting Hunter wasn't bad enough...

And god...what did he saw to that? "I...sorry too." He automatically apologized, even thought he really was. "I'm sorry for everything...for not being who you think I am..." And the calm and collected look in the others eye just made Michael start pouring out words. "I knew you for a week before I came here. You told me you were positive and the next morning I was here. I'm sorry I didn't know who Hunter was and I'm sorry he's so upset but I can't be the Michael you want me to be. I'm happy here with Guy and...and I'm rambling and freaking out and I'm sorry."

He backed up into a counter and gripped it for dear life, looking down at the floor, the door, anywhere but at Ben.

[r_u_12]

Michael was panicked, he'd made that much clear, and he'd just... poured everything he knew out in front of him, and then backed himself in a corner like some caged animal and immediately, Ben got the sense that he was standing in the way...

"Wait. What?" Ben had been warned about Michael being from the past, but now there was someone else? "Who is... you're with Guy?" Burgess?!

[always_zephyr]

Okay so Michael knew Guy had met Ben upon his arrival but it was still really weird to hear. And The way Ben said it...was it really so unbelievable?

Looking up at him with wide eyes and nodded. "Yeah, Guy Burgess. You met him when you arrived, he told me." He paused before his voice grew more confident. "I love him. Is it so unbelievable that I'd find someone here? Because Hunter couldn't seem to believe it either..." Now he was starting to get frustrated. Yes, he was sorry he couldn't be the man they wanted, but would it kill anyone to actually be happy for him? Or at least except it?

[r_u_12]

"No, Michael, it's not like that at all," Ben said quickly. He stood tall, made himself so, and willed his heart to follow the example.

"Of... course it's not unbelievable, Michael. I of all people know..." But Michael didn't know that he knew. "I respect you, Michael. And I love you. And... you..." He sighed. "I'm not going to tell you what you feel." He bowed his head and contemplated just walking away, there. It was like it was two years ago and Brian was in a crisis and Ben felt Michael slipping and he didn't know what to do.

[always_zephyr]

Except he did and god, as if he didn't feel horrible already...

"Hunter told me." Michael said quietly, looking down at the floor. "He told me everything. About how he became our son, about my daughter, about, " he paused and swallowed nervously, "us getting married. It sounded wonderful but," He paused and took a deep breath, not sure what else to add but said once more, "I'm sorry. I'm not that, your, Michael. I'm in love with Guy. I'm sorry." He couldn't bare to say directly he wasn't in love with Ben to the man's face because that would just be cruel.

Ben wasn't the only one thinking of walking away and Michael bent down to pick up the fallen bowl and pan, putting them away, convincing himself it wasn't running away.

[r_u_12]

It was like a punch to the gut, hearing Michael just say he was in love with someone else. Ben tried to stay as he was: as a stone, straight and tall, deep breaths, calm, serene... but he could feel a lump rise in his throat

[always_zephyr]

And how could Michael saw no to that? He'd basically just told this man that his husband didn't love him, and he was still offering to be there if Michael needed him.

How had he gotten and held onto such an amazing man?

But...as amazing as Ben was, so was Guy and Michael wouldn't change what he had for the world. Even as painful as all this was. So he nodded, sincerely. "Okay. Thank you Ben and I'm..." He stopped. to say he was sorry again would only cheapen the moment and he wasn't about to do that.

He wanted to leave, to go find Guy or Brian or hell, even Wilson but that would mean go past Ben...so he stayed where he was, clutching the counter.

[r_u_12]

It was the moment that Ben felt the lump in his throat rise that he stepped out of the way of the door. He was a grown man, ready to cry in the middle of some strange kitchen, in front of his husband who wasn't his husband. A part of him wanted to shake Michael until whatever it was that had loosened between them snapped back into place, but what he really wanted was to take Hunter and go home.

"I'll... see you around. Michael." He had to muster some kind of strength or courage to even say his name, and he turned to go. They had a cave system. Maybe he'd just... go sit and think for a while.

[always_zephyr]

It would be ironic, considering who lived in the caves. Not that Ben knew that.

And it couldn't be shaken back into place if it hadn't ever been there. In this case, the piece belonged to Guy. Though Michael wouldn't admit it to Ben...there was a small, tiny piece, that belong to the gentle giant before him.

"Yeah. I'll see you Ben." He said to Ben's back as the other left. He stayed gripping the counter for a few long moments before going in search of Brian and his stash of drugs. He needed to not think for a good long while.