weird
so, today we interred my grandmother's ashes. it was sad, emotionally exhausted, and really weird. it was shockingly similar and surprisingly different from the day six and a half years ago after my grandfather died. we were standing in the same spots on an unseasonably cold day, but today is was sunny when before it had been grey and miserable.
both days were the only times in my adult life that i remember thinking that my father should be there. usually my thoughts are that he should be anywhere but here, but it seemed so wrong for him not to be there when his parents remains were buried. and it felt wrong to be there instead of him, like i was some sort of stand in or substitute. at the service for my grandfather i remember feeling so alone. my immediate family wasn't there and while i was surrounded by relatives, i barely knew any of them. i grew up half a country away and had only recently moved closer for college. they were still strangers to me. and while today it still felt wrong for my father to not be there, and wrong for me to be there in his stead, i was not alone. in the time since, my relatives have become my family. i've seen it happening but to put two such similar days up to each to compare it's amazing how much has changed and that is something i'm truly greatful for.
i lost a parent who wasn't worth keeping, but thankfully i some how got to keep the family he came with and they really have become my family in a way that is so much more than just being my relatives.
both days were the only times in my adult life that i remember thinking that my father should be there. usually my thoughts are that he should be anywhere but here, but it seemed so wrong for him not to be there when his parents remains were buried. and it felt wrong to be there instead of him, like i was some sort of stand in or substitute. at the service for my grandfather i remember feeling so alone. my immediate family wasn't there and while i was surrounded by relatives, i barely knew any of them. i grew up half a country away and had only recently moved closer for college. they were still strangers to me. and while today it still felt wrong for my father to not be there, and wrong for me to be there in his stead, i was not alone. in the time since, my relatives have become my family. i've seen it happening but to put two such similar days up to each to compare it's amazing how much has changed and that is something i'm truly greatful for.
i lost a parent who wasn't worth keeping, but thankfully i some how got to keep the family he came with and they really have become my family in a way that is so much more than just being my relatives.